Deciding how to tell your children you are getting a divorce can be quite challenging. It is a difficult and often emotional conversation that many parents don’t know how to have. While it can be difficult to discuss your divorce with your children, you know it’s something that you have to do. Having a plan in place can help ease the stress for you and your children when breaking the news of divorce.
Talk To Your Children Before Moving Out
Whenever possible, it is best to have the divorce talk with your children before physically separating. This will give children a chance to digest the information before the change actually occurs. Talking to them before the physical separation allows children to ask questions to both parents as they arise.
Decide Together What You Want To Say
Even if you are not getting along with each other, you both still want what’s best for your children. Coming up with a reason why you are divorcing that you can both agree on, without laying blame, will be beneficial to your children. When your children witness you discussing this change without arguing or blaming each other, it should be easier for them to ask questions. It should also be easier for them to discuss their feelings with you openly, without feeling as though they have to choose sides.
Tell Them Together
When you present a united front by telling them together, it lets them know that you are both still their parents and still in charge. It is important to set aside your differences when talking to your children by remembering that this is about your children and their well-being and not about what happened between the two of you. Children generally feel more secure when they know their parents will be able to work together even though they will no longer be living together.
Address the Entire Family
You might think that it is best to tell your older child first since they will most likely understand what is going on. However, this can put your child in an awkward position. They may want to share the news with their siblings, or shield them from it. When you address the entire family together, it enables you to make sure that your children are hearing the news from you. Telling them together also establishes an environment where they can support each other.
Be Simple and Clear
While it is not helpful for your children to learn all of the details that led to your decision to divorce, it is important that you tell them how the divorce will impact them. You should explain the situation in simple words that your children will understand. Children are naturally egocentric and will want to know what will and will not change in their lives. This is something you should discuss beforehand so you can tell your children the specifics of what they can expect.
Answer Their Questions
Answer your children’s questions as clearly and honestly as you can. Reassure your children that the divorce isn’t their fault and that you both love them very much. Let them know that this isn’t a one time conversation and that you are both available if they need to talk or if they have more questions. If your children have questions that you have not yet discussed with each other, let them know that you will answer them as soon as you have discussed it.
Accept Their Emotions
Your children’s reactions to the news that you are getting a divorce will likely vary. Some children react with tears and sadness, while others react with anger. It is also common for children not to react, and to respond as if nothing is changing. No matter how they react, your children need time to process what was said as well as the changes that will take place. Reassure them that it is normal and okay to have all kinds of feelings about the divorce. You know your child best so be sure to respond in a way that is comforting and supportive.
What You Might Say
You might say something like this:
Your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided to get a divorce. This means that we will not be living together anymore. This is something that is between the two of us, and there is nothing that you did or could have ever done to cause this. I will be living in an apartment down the road and Dad will remain in the house. Mom will still take you to school and pick you up every day. You will stay here with me during the week and will stay with your mom at her apartment on the weekends. You will have your own room in my new apartment and will still have your room at the house when you are with Dad. We both love you very much and will always be your parents and that will never change.
Talking to your children about the divorce should be an ongoing discussion. When you first tell them, keep it short, be clear, and let them know exactly what will and will not change for them. Accept their feelings, answer their questions, and reassure them that you love them and that you both will always be there for them.
