Grief is a process. It is often a difficult and painful process that everyone experiences in their own way. Any loss can be devastating, even when it is expected. Coming to terms with a loss can be hard as it often shakes you to your very core. Life as you know it, will never be the same again.
Why We Grieve
There are many reasons why you may experience grief. Any loss, expected or not, can cause you to grieve. A job loss, relationship break-up, health crisis, death of a loved one, or even normal life transitions like retirement, or children leaving home can feel like a loss. The grieving process provides a way to acknowledge the loss you’ve experienced and move forward in your life. When you suffer a loss, you need to process the experience and create a new normal.
The 5 Stages Of Grief
The five stages of grief, according to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross as outlined in her book On Death and Dying, include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Unfortunately, the grief process is not linear. Instead, it is common to go back and forth between most of the stages until finally coming to terms with your loss and reaching acceptance. It is also possible to skip some of the stages and create new ones as you navigate this difficult period. There is no correct way to grieve and it takes as long as it takes, so it is important to be gentle with yourself.
Denial
Denial is not necessarily bad and can be helpful. Just like your body going into shock after an injury to prevent further damage, the shock you experience after a difficult loss can be protective. It is easy to become overwhelmed after a loss. Denial allows you to go through the motions of your daily existence by numbing your emotional response. You pretend the loss hasn’t really happened and that everything is still the way it always was. Denial helps you begin to process the loss by letting it sink in slowly. You might have difficulty getting in touch with your feelings and feel very disconnected from everything and everyone around you. If you were to experience all of the feelings going on at once, it would be impossible to function. Remember to be gentle with yourself and acknowledge and feel your feelings when they do come.
Anger
Anger is a normal part of the grieving process. Often, once you start to acknowledge what has happened and the gravity of what it means, anger emerges. You might be angry at the situation, a person, God, the universe, or yourself. The anger that is part of the grieving process may not make a lot of sense to you or those around you. A lot of questions that you may not be able to answer can come up with the anger. You might ruminate about why it happened. Maybe you don’t know what you should do now. There is sometimes a need to find someone or something to blame. Anger is easy, it’s an acceptable emotion in society and not difficult to access. However, it is a masking emotion that hides your deeper, more troubling feelings, such as sadness, pain, rejection, and abandonment that might be too difficult to deal with now. It is okay to feel anger. Sometimes it can feel good just to feel something again. Allow yourself to feel the anger, but stay in control of your responses and reactions. Journaling about your feelings enables you to get them out in a healthy way, which can keep you from acting out in anger.
Bargaining
Once you begin working through some of the anger and getting to the pain, the “if only” statements start emerging. The “if only” statements revolve around what you believe you should have done, or not done, so that the loss would not have happened. Guilt is often the most powerful feeling in this stage of grief. You think of all of the ways you could have done things differently and how that could have changed the outcome. Bargaining with a higher power to give up a vice or something cherished in exchange for the outcome being changed or the pain ending, is part of the grieving process. Bargaining helps you feel as though you have some control over the intense feelings of vulnerability, and that you are not completely helpless.
Depression
Depression in grief can feel like an unrelenting, overwhelming sadness that consumes your very being. The intense pain can be hard to manage and tears may come easily and often. You might withdraw from friends and family and feel very alone in your pain. It is normal to feel sad and empty when you suffer a loss. Life without your loved one, or in a different situation can feel meaningless. Although dealing with the sadness and depression can be difficult, it is an expected part of the grieving process. When you lose someone or something that was so important to you, it would be unrealistic to think it wouldn’t affect you and that you wouldn’t be sad about it. Acknowledging the sadness and depression, writing about your feelings, joining a support group, and talking about your experience with others can help you reflect on your loss during this part of the grieving process.
Acceptance
Acceptance is about coming to terms with the fact that the loss occurred and that things will be different now. Eventually you notice that you are having more good days than bad days. You might begin to feel more hopeful about the future, even though it is different since your loss. It is not about forgetting the loss or denying that it happened, acceptance is about coming to terms with your new reality. Even though the bad days might still happen, you feel more certain that they won’t last forever and you will get through them.
If you are having difficulty navigating the grieving process, counseling can help. Whether you join a support group, attend individual counseling, or reach out to friends and family, it is important to seek help if you need it. Remember, grief is a process that takes time. It may not be easy, but acceptance can be reached. Not by forgetting your loss, but by acknowledging and honoring it.
