When you and your spouse have different parenting styles, there may be many disagreements about how to raise your children. In fact, different parenting styles can cause major problems in your marriage and a great deal of stress for your children. If this is a problem for your family, there are some things you can do to more effectively cope with your different parenting styles.
Parenting Styles
There are four main types of parenting styles. These include authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and uninvolved. Authoritarian parents have strict rules and punishments. They believe that children should be obedient and responsive to their demands. They tend to have a lot of rules with severe consequences. Authoritative parents, which are considered most effective, have rules that they want their children to obey. However, they are more flexible. They are also nurturing and forgiving when a rule is broken. Permissive parents make few demands on their children and are indulgent. They have low expectations of their children’s ability to have self-control and regulate their emotions. They are nurturing, communicative, lenient, and act more like a friend than a parent to their child. Uninvolved parents have low expectations, and place few demands on their children. Those with this parenting style tend to be detached from what is going on with their children.
How Different Parenting Styles Impact Families
If you and your partner have different parenting styles, your children will most likely know this and try to use it to their advantage. Conflicting parenting styles can cause confusion for children when they receive mixed messages. For example, if an authoritarian parent punishes a child for breaking the rules and their permissive parent ignores the punishment, the child can be confused. They may not know if the rule they broke is important and may not follow it in the future. Having different parenting styles can also lead to conflict with your partner. Arguments about parenting are a common problem for couples with different parenting styles. You may have difficulty having conversations about your children and how you want them to be raised. Although having different parenting styles can lead to conflicts for couples, there are some things you can do to mitigate this and instead find common ground.
Understand Your Own Parenting Style
When you are aware of your own parenting style, you can find ways to focus on the positive. That way, you can avoid some of the negative manifestations that can occur. Knowing your parenting style enables you to share with your partner your parenting expectations. You can let your partner know how you were raised and how you would like to parent your own children in a similar, or very different way. This can open up a discussion to help you consider your backgrounds and decide together how to raise your own children.
Establish Family Rules
Creating family rules, which include progressive consequences, is one of the best ways to be consistent with your children. This is true even if your parenting styles differ. When you create family rules that are in line with your values, everyone in the family understands the expectations and consequences. This way, even if the delivery is different, the rules and what happens when they are broken are clear. Since you create these rules and consequences together, you can share your views, beliefs, and styles so they can be reflected in your rules.
Support Each Other
Even if you disagree with how your partner is handling the situation, you can still support them. Present a united front and don’t allow your children to try to divide you. Don’t argue with your partner about their parenting in front of your children. If your partner has enforced a punishment that you don’t agree with, show support in front of your children and share why you disagree in private. Make sure to defer to your partner in their decision and learn the facts of what occurred when you are alone. When your children know that you will back each other up, it will be hard for them to try to pit you against each other.
Talk It Out Alone
If you disagree with your spouse, discuss it alone. Even if you want to let your spouse know you disagree immediately. Discussing it in front of your child undermines your partners authority. If your child feels that they can gain sympathy from you and avoid punishment, they will always seek you out when your spouse is trying to discipline them. This will put you in an awkward position and can cause arguments with your partner. When you talk to your spouse about your opinions and views alone, you are not put in the position of taking sides. You may not agree with your spouse, but your child doesn’t need to know this. When you discuss this in private, you can make a joint decision on the best way to handle things. This way you can reach a compromise on a new rule and consequence that works for both of you.
Practice Flexibility
Parenting styles may need to be adjusted due to your individual child’s needs, or development. If you are rigid in your views and beliefs, conflict with your child and partner are more likely to occur. The more flexible you can be with adjusting your parenting style, the easier it will be for you to effectively meet your child’s needs. Being flexible can also help you to better complement your spouse’s different parenting style. Then you can use the strengths and weaknesses related to your different parenting styles to your advantage.
Don’t Make One Parent The Bad Guy
Telling your child to wait until their father gets home, or that their mother is going to be mad at them will not help you be a more effective parent. This is true even if your spouse has an authoritative parenting style and your child behaves when you use this threat. Your child might begin to fear their other parent and only listen to you when you threaten to tell them. If you want to be able to effectively parent your child, you will need for them to listen to you and respect you. If you need your partner’s input in the situation, you can privately decide how to handle things with your spouse and then present a united front to your child.
Having different parenting styles does not have to ruin your relationship. You can use the above tips to help you manage your differences more effectively. If you are still struggling to find common ground, therapy can help. With some effort, you and your partner can parent your children effectively and have a peaceful relationship, even if your parenting styles are different.
The holiday season can be busy and exciting, and also stressful and lonely. Expectations can be high, and keeping it all together with a smile on your face can feel overwhelming. Even though the holidays can be stressful, there are some steps you can take to manage holiday stress so you can enjoy the holidays more.
Why The Holidays Can Be Hard
The holidays can be a difficult time for a variety of reasons. There are often high expectations about how they should go. Financial stress can lead to worry and feelings of guilt. It may be difficult to please everyone, and you may spread yourself very thin dealing with a lot of family obligations and social pressure. Maybe you suffered a loss, such as the death of a loved one or a divorce, and you are finding it difficult to face the holidays. It can seem as though everyone is having a perfect holiday season, except you. Perhaps you are unable to spend the holidays with your family and friends. You could be struggling with a mental or physical illness as well as feelings of depression, anxiety, isolation and loneliness. No matter why the holidays are difficult for you, there are some things you can do to ease holiday stress.
1. Have Realistic Expectations
It’s easy to fall into the trap of having unrealistically high expectations during the holiday season. Trying to create the perfect experience is exhausting and unrealistic, since you can’t control others. Maybe you envision a Thanksgiving meal with pleasant conversation. You could also picture your children politely taking turns opening their Christmas presents while expressing gratitude for each and every gift. However, when your grandfather and uncle get into a heated debate, and your 4 year-old has a tantrum under the tree, you could end up taking this very hard and may feel like the holidays are ruined. When you have more realistic expectations, it is easier to manage the small imperfections without letting them negatively impact the good parts.
2. Make Plans In Advance
The holidays are a busy time. There are a lot of events to attend, and there are plenty of things that need to be done. Sometimes, everything that there is to do can seem overwhelming. Making plans in advance is a good way to manage holiday stress. Decide where you are going to spend the holidays and what events you are going to attend. Schedule a time to do your shopping, cooking, baking, gift wrapping, and other activities. The more organized you can be, the easier it is to manage things.
3. Say No
Don’t be afraid to say no. You can pick and choose what you attend and what you are willing to take on. It’s not unusual to have more than one event to attend on the same day during the holiday season. Give yourself permission to say no when you need to. If it is too stressful to try and do everything, pick and choose. If someone expects something from you that you are unwilling or unable to give, you can say no. It is important to have strong boundaries during the holiday season. When you allow yourself to say no, your yeses become very meaningful. Remember, it is impossible to please all people all of the time.
4. Honor Your Feelings
It’s easy to believe that everyone is having a good time and enjoying the holidays. This may or may not be true. Because of this assumption, you may believe you shouldn’t feel sad, depressed, anxious, or lonely. This is definitely not true. You can feel anything that you are feeling. Remind yourself that your feelings are okay and then spend some time focusing on them and allowing them to be. If you are having a hard time coping, you can reach out to others or seek professional help.
5. Practice Self-Care
Make sure to take care of yourself. With so much to do during the holiday season, self-care is often last on the list. However, self-care is one of the best things you can practice to remain healthy and sane during this hectic time. Take breaks as needed, exercise, eat healthy most of the time, but allow yourself some treats, and do things you enjoy. Caring for yourself will give you the energy and stamina you need to effectively manage holiday stress.
6. Practice Forgiveness
The holidays can be a very nostalgic time. However, it is also a time when past resentments and disappointments can arise. At times, this can feel like a heavy burden. When this happens, finding a way to make peace with the past and forgive others can help you enjoy the holiday season more. This is also a good time to forgive yourself and start the new year with a clean slate. Forgiveness is a release and does not mean that what happened is okay. This is something that you do for yourself so you can let go and move on.
7. Keep It Affordable
Set a budget for the holidays and stick to it. If you are having a difficult time financially, the holidays can be stressful. You might feel overwhelmed with everyone that you have to buy for, and the amount of money you have available to spend. Coming up with a holiday spending plan can keep you from going over budget and having regrets. If you have a large family, you could suggest pulling names for the adults so you don’t have to buy for everyone. Instead of spending a lot of money on gifts, you could get together with friends and have a potluck, make homemade gifts, or plan for a future adventure that you can pay for over time.
8. Ask For Help
If you are feeling depressed, lonely, or overwhelmed, ask for help. The holiday season can be very busy for some. If you find yourself feeling anxious and overburdened, ask others for help. Ask your family members to babysit so you can get some things done. Invite neighbors over for a baking or wrapping party. If you are feeling isolated and lonely, reaching out to others can help. Attend church or community activities. Find meaningful ways to stay connected to loved ones that are far away. If you continue to struggle with feelings of depression or anxiety that are getting worse, you could seek professional help.
9. Practice Gratitude
Practicing gratitude can help you keep your focus on the good things in your life and what you are thankful for. When things aren’t going well, it can be easy to get caught up in the negative. By consciously practicing gratitude, you are choosing to focus on the positives instead. You could keep a gratitude journal and write down the three things you are most thankful for each day. When you practice gratitude, it can help ease your stress and lift your mood.
10. Start New Traditions
Starting new traditions can help ease holiday stress. Old rituals that are painful or no longer relevant can be replaced with new, meaningful traditions. If your family members have outgrown some of your usual holiday traditions, don’t be afraid to start new ones. This can also be helpful if you are running short on time and feel like you are in a holiday rut. As your life circumstances change, new traditions can be implemented to add more meaning. You could start a new tradition of spending the holidays with friends if you can’t be with your family. Volunteering as a family can be a good way to spend time together, while also giving back. New traditions can give you something to look forward to over the holidays.
The holidays can be stressful, but they can be managed more effectively with some effort so you don’t end up dreading them. When things feel overwhelming, follow some of the above tips. By focusing on some of the things within your control, you can effectively manage holiday stress.
Mental illness can be hard on couples. If your spouse is diagnosed with a mental illness, your relationship can begin to feel like it exists solely to manage the illness. The stress involved can reach a crisis level. Although having a spouse with a mental illness can be difficult at times, it is possible to maintain a healthy and happy marriage.
Living With Someone With A Mental Illness
When your partner is diagnosed with a mental illness such as bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or major depression, it can be hard on your relationship. Your spouse might require more help, and may not be able to manage the same tasks as before. It could be hard to take care of your own obligations, while also taking on your partner’s responsibilities. This can cause resentment. The unpredictable nature of their illness can be difficult to deal with. You may be afraid of what the future will hold. The fear, worry, and added strain can cause problems with your own physical and mental health. You may see your spouse as a child that needs to be cared for and could feel quite alone. Although it can be challenging when your spouse has a mental illness, there are some things you can do to help your relationship not only survive, but also thrive.
1. Educate Yourself
Learn everything you can about the mental illness that your spouse is experiencing. It can be easier to separate who your partner is from the mental illness they are dealing with when you are aware of the symptoms of their illness. This can help you work together as a team fighting the illness, instead of fighting against your partner. When you understand their illness, it can help you be more aware of some of the subtle changes that can occur. This way you can seek help in the early stages of a relapse. Educating yourself on the illness helps you prepare for the expected changes and take charge of the things within your control. Knowing what to expect can help you manage the situation more effectively.
2. Have Strong Boundaries
While it is normal to want to help your spouse, and you may need to take on extra responsibilities, having strong boundaries can keep you from enabling them. Having strong boundaries requires you to know yourself, your capabilities, and your limits. If you overcompensate for your partner, make excuses for them, or take on everything yourself, you could end up resenting them. You have limits, needs, and expectations that need to be honored by having firm boundaries. For instance, you can have a boundary around them managing their illness by taking their prescribed medications and attending their therapy appointments. A consequence for not taking their medication as prescribed could be that they have to take it in front of someone. Boundaries are for you, not for the other person. If your partner stops taking their medication, they could suffer a major relapse which could have a negative impact on you.
3. Practice Self-Care
To be able to deal with the added responsibilities surrounding your partner’s mental illness, you need to take care of yourself. Make time for yourself and do the things that you enjoy. Eat well-balanced healthy meals. Exercise regularly. Get enough sleep. Spend time with friends and family. Practice meditation and mindfulness and take care of your spiritual needs. Do things that bring you joy, comfort you, and relax or energize you. If you neglect self-care, your own physical and mental health can suffer and you could experience caregiver burnout. When you take time out of your day to attend to your emotional and physical well-being, you will have more to give your spouse.
4. Communicate With Your Spouse
When your spouse has a mental illness, you may spend a lot of time biting your tongue so you don’t say something that will make things worse. However, not sharing your experience, concerns, and even your frustrations, can lead to feelings of loneliness and disconnection. Externalizing the illness and sharing how it’s impacting each of you, can bring you closer together. This way you can band together to fight the negative impact of your common enemy. When you don’t discuss these things, you could build up resentment that can come out as bitterness, anger, or even contempt. Keeping the lines of communication open will keep your relationship strong, even in the midst of a mental illness.
5. Get Support
When your spouse is struggling with a mental illness, they may not be able to do all of the things that they were able to do before. Although you may be able to handle some of the added responsibilities on your own, asking others for help can make things a lot easier. You can ask your family, friends, and even your community to help you out. Make a list of the things that you need help with and see who is able to help and when. Join a support group. Reach out to your church. Or, ask your neighbors for help. When you ask others for help, you are less likely to feel overwhelmed and better able to care for your loved ones, and yourself.
6. Get Professional Help
Your spouse may not be the only one that can benefit from counseling. It may also be helpful for you. Therapy can provide a safe space for you to process your feelings about your situation in a healthy way. You could also learn effective coping strategies in therapy. Couples counseling can help keep the focus on your relationship. By actively working on your relationship, you can learn ways to effectively manage the more difficult stages of the illness as a team. The added support that you receive for yourself and your relationship can help both you and your marriage remain strong and healthy.
Although having a spouse with a mental illness can be challenging, it does not have to destroy your marriage. With help and support, you can manage the reality of your situation effectively and grow closer to each other. Working together, your marriage can strengthen and thrive.
Dealing with the highs and lows of bipolar disorder can be trying. The extreme mood changes can be hard to understand and even harder to live with. While you may feel out of control at times, bipolar disorder can be managed effectively with proper treatment. With effective treatment, the negative symptoms related to bipolar disorder can be mitigated and you can experience a rich and fulfilling life.
What Is Bipolar Disorder
Bipolar disorder is a mental illness characterized by extreme mood swings. Those who struggle with bipolar disorder experience mood changes from emotional highs, known as mania or hypomania, to emotional lows, known as depression. To be diagnosed with bipolar disorder you must experience at least one episode of mania or hypomania. The three main types of bipolar disorder include Bipolar I disorder, Bipolar II disorder, and Cyclothymic disorder. A Bipolar I disorder diagnosis requires at least one manic episode, that may include a psychotic break, often followed or preceded by an episode of major depression. To be diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder, you need to experience at least one episode of major depression as well as at least one episode of hypomania, but no episodes of mania. For a diagnosis of Cyclothymic disorder you need to experience several episodes of hypomania over a two year period, as well as episodes of depression, but not major depression. During the course of the illness, there can be periods with mania or hypomania and periods of depression. There can periods of time with no symptoms. It also possible to experience periods with symptoms of both mania and hypomania occurring at the same time.
Mania and Hypomania
Mania and hypomania include many of the same symptoms. However, mania is much more severe than hypomania. With mania, you could experience a psychotic break that requires hospitalization and includes hallucinations, delusional thoughts, and paranoia. Mania and hypomania can have a negative impact on your day to day functioning and relationships. Symptoms of mania and hypomania include, high energy, restlessness, grandiosity, inflated self-esteem, decreased need for sleep, racing thoughts, being easily distracted, and taking on multiple projects. Inhibitions are often lowered and sexual desire is increased leading to engagement in dangerous behaviors such as gambling, spending a lot of money, and impulsive sexual activity. Although mania and hypomania can be especially troubling to loved ones, since the person with bipolar disorder says or does things that are irrational and completely out of character. The person experiencing the symptoms rarely thinks anything is wrong. Someone experiencing a manic phase can be reluctant to get help even though everyone around them sees their behavior as unusual and erratic, unless they are forced to due to a psychotic break.
Depression and Major Depression
The episodes of depression experienced with bipolar disorder can be especially problematic when following the elation experienced during mania and hypomania. With major depression, symptoms are generally more severe and functioning is significantly impaired in one or more areas. Major depression symptoms last at least two weeks and can have a negative impact on functioning at work, school, home, and in relationships. Symptoms of depression and major depression include feelings of sadness or emptiness, feelings of hopelessness, low energy, irritability, loss of interest in things that were previously enjoyed, sleeping a lot or having difficulty sleeping, decreased libido, loss or increase in appetite, difficulty thinking clearly, and thoughts of suicide. Those with bipolar disorder who are experiencing depression may be more willing to get help, but could lack the motivation and ability to follow through. Depression, unlike major depression, enables you to function, although not optimally. If you have depression you may be able to function at work, but you may go straight to bed when you get home. With major depression, you could have difficulty completing basic tasks such as showering, and brushing your teeth.
Treatment
Treatment for bipolar disorder usually consists of a combination of medications and psychotherapy. Medications are often used to help stabilize mood changes. This way the highs are not as noticeable and the lows are less intense. Common medications used to treat bipolar disorder include mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, and antidepressants. It is important to work with a psychiatrist to make sure you receive the correct combination of effective medications. For example, being treated with an antidepressant alone can increase manic episodes in people with bipolar disorder. Psychotherapy such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and psychoeducation can help you understand the disorder and manage the symptoms more effectively. By learning your triggers and automatic responses, you can make effective changes that help mitigate the negative symptoms and balance the extreme mood shifts.
Living With Bipolar Disorder
Living with bipolar disorder can be exhausting as you attempt to keep relationships and your life intact during the euphoric highs, and try to keep from falling into the depths of despair during the dark lows. Bipolar disorder can be well managed with a combination of medication and psychotherapy. However, due to troubling side effects, having difficulty finding the right combination, or even missing the energy and elation of mania, medication compliance can be difficult to maintain. There is an increased risk of self-harming behaviors and suicide attempts as it can be hard to consistently attend therapy during an episode of major depression.
Bipolar disorder is a life-long illness that requires consistent management. Surrounding yourself with a supportive team of doctors, therapists, friends, and family is key to dealing with it effectively. A strong support system that understands you, is familiar with bipolar disorder, and can help you recognize the first signs of mood changes, will enable you to manage it effectively and live the life you want.
If you have more than one child, you have probably experienced sibling rivalry. Maybe your kids pick on each other, fight, or constantly compete for your attention. Although sibling rivalry is normal, it can be difficult for parents to deal with. The constant fighting, yelling, and name calling can seem overwhelming. If you are dealing with sibling rivalry, there are things you can do to help ease the tension and maintain your sanity.
Why Siblings Fight
Fighting and arguing between children is a normal part of the family dynamic when you have more than one child. There are a number of reasons why fighting can occur between siblings. Feelings of jealousy and envy can lead to competition and arguments. Just like adults, children have their own moods, wants, desires and temperaments. If your child is overtired, they may pick a fight with their sibling simply because they are there. Your older child might take out their frustrations with others on their younger sibling. Children can fight with each other to get your attention. They can also get into fights when they’ve spent too much time together and need a break.
How Sibling Rivalry Can Be Helpful
Sibling rivalry is not all bad. In fact, there are many benefits as well. Disagreements between siblings creates an opportunity to learn negotiation skills and how to compromise with others. Sibling rivalry can help children increase their social skills and their ability to regulate their emotions. When siblings fight and argue, they can learn empathy, how to listen effectively, and assertiveness skills that can help them become successful adults. Although there are a number of benefits, it can still be difficult dealing with your children fighting. There are some things that you can do to help when your children fight.
1. Create Family Rules
Establishing family rules can help keep everyone on the same page. Family rules are most effective when they are clearly stated and there are consistent consequences when they are not followed. For example, if a family rule is that you treat each other with respect, and this is defined partly as not taking each other’s things without asking, consequences occur if it is broken. The consequence for a first offense could be returning the item and apologizing. Family rules help decrease sibling rivalry because the expectations and consequences of behaviors are clear to all family members.
2. Spend Time With Each Child
Spending time with each child individually can help strengthen your bond. When your children feel valued and connected to you individually, there is less of a need to vie for your attention by fighting. Planning fun activities for each child individually, taking one child with you when you run errands, or spending a few minutes with each child one at a time at bedtime are ways that you can focus your attention on each of your children separately. Having a designated time devoted to each of your children alone can decrease sibling fighting and strengthen your connection.
3. Empathize
Sometimes your children come to you when there is an issue with their brother or sister to have their feelings acknowledged and validated, not because they want you to fix it. It can be frustrating and upsetting for your child when their brother doesn’t let them have a turn on the game he is playing. Letting your child know that you understand their feelings and experience can be enough to defuse the situation. You could say something like, you sound mad at your brother and also sad. You wish he would give you a turn. This lets your child know that you get it, and helps them begin to name their feelings. It is important to know what you are feeling before you can begin to process your feelings. Responding empathically to your child models an important skill that they can then use with others, including their siblings.
4. Help Them Separate Their Feelings From Their Behaviors
Children often have a hard time separating their feelings from their behaviors. Your child could explain that they hit their brother because he wasn’t taking turns. Although you might empathize with their frustration, you probably aren’t very happy with their response. Kids should be taught that they may not be able to control what they are feeling, but they are always in control of how they react. Discussing acceptable ways to respond in situations when they are feeling frustrated and angry can help your child make better behavioral choices. For instance, you could help them find a way to use their words to describe their feelings, let them draw about it, or have them squeeze a stress ball. Learning different, more acceptable ways to respond to their feelings can help your children manage all of their relationships better.
5. Stay Out Of It
If your children are trying to work out their conflict, stay out of it. As soon as you enter the room, they will look to you to resolve things. While this may be necessary at times, the more you can let them figure it out themselves, the easier it will be for them to do this in other situations. You can ask your children if this is a situation they can handle themselves, or if they want you to intervene. This way, they know you trust them to handle it on their own, but you are there if they need your help. Of course, if they are hurting each other, you will probably want to separate them for awhile. Working out their differences enables them to learn valuable skills that they can use throughout their lives.
6. Have Them Take A Time-Out
If your children are having a difficult time working things out, you can have them take a time-out. You can send them each to a safe place and set a time when they can come back and try again. Let’s face it, siblings know how to push each other’s buttons. It isn’t uncommon for them to be playing nicely one minute and screaming at each other the next. When they are screaming, throwing things, and threatening each other, it will be quite difficult for them to come to an agreeable resolution. A time-out allows them some time to calm down so they can handle the situation differently when it is time for them to try again.
It is possible to reestablish peace, and maintain your sanity, when dealing with sibling rivalry. However, if you are struggling with this, or the fighting is becoming violent, counseling can help. When you are able to address the fighting that occurs between your children more effectively, your entire family will experience the benefits.
