Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a structured couples therapy approach developed by Sue Johnson and colleagues, based on John Bowlby’s attachment theory. This approach is founded on the premise that attachment needs and bonds continue into adult relationships. Distress occurs for couples when attachment fears, especially the fear of abandonment, are triggered. Emotional responses to these fears can cause distress in the couple relationship. If a couple has a hard time meeting the emotional needs of one another, they can become stuck in negative patterns of interaction. These negative patterns occur due to ineffective attempts to understand each other’s emotional responses and related attachment needs.
EFT helps couples understand each other’s attachment needs and insecurities so couples can learn to respond to each other in more empathic, emotionally connected ways. When couples learn to respond in this way, they develop a more secure attachment. EFT can help couples understand their own emotional responses as well as the emotional responses of their partner. The goal of EFT is to help couples reinforce positive relational bonds already in place and to increase secure attachment and connection in the couple relationship.
EFT Stages
There are three stages and nine steps involved in EFT. The first stage is the assessment and de-escalation phase. During this stage, the therapist assesses the couples patterns of interaction and helps to de-escalate conflict. In the second stage of EFT, the therapist works with the couple to find ways to form a stronger bond and a more secure attachment. The final stage of EFT is about consolidation and integration. During this stage, the therapist helps the couple identify the changes that have occurred and integrate them into all aspects of the couples lives.
The Stages And Steps
Stage 1: Assess And De-escalate
Step 1: Identify key issues of concern for the couple.
Step 2: Identify negative relationship patterns of interaction and
how they increase conflict when important issues arise.
Step 3: The therapist helps the couple to identify unacknowledged
fears and negative emotions related to attachment needs and negative
relationship patterns.
Step 4: The therapist reframes key issues in terms of negative
relationship patterns and underlying emotions related to
attachment needs.
Stage 2: Changing Patterns of Interaction
Step 5: The couple are each able to share their deeper
emotions and needs based on attachment.
Step 6: The couple is coached in how to show acceptance and
compassion for their partner’s deep emotions and attachment
needs.
Step 7: The couple leans how to express deep emotions and
attachment needs while discussing issues that are likely to lead to
conflict.
Stage 3: Consolidation And Integration
Step 8: The therapist coaches the couple in using new
communication styles to discuss old problems and create
new solutions.
Step 9: The couple learns new ways to use skills learned in
therapy in other situations outside of therapy and develops a
plan to make new interaction patterns a consistent part of life
after therapy.
Is EFT Effective
Emotionally focused couples therapy is an evidence based therapeutic approach. There is strong empirical evidence supporting the efficacy of EFT. Couples who participate in EFT often feel emotionally closer to their partner. Once the couple addresses attachment injuries and blamer softening occurs, couples report feeling a deeper level of connection to one another, which often results in an increase in relationship satisfaction. Furthermore, what the couple learns in EFT can be translated to other areas of their lives, encouraging a more secure attachment to each other.
EFT In Practice
A couple comes in for therapy because of constant fighting and a lack of intimacy. In the first stage of therapy, the therapist helps the couple recognize the interaction patterns that develop based on attachment needs. For this couple, the husband reaches out to his wife and the wife doesn’t respond the way he wants her to, so he becomes angry and critical. His wife responds to his anger by withdrawing. The couple’s interaction pattern is one of pursuing and withdrawing. The therapist helps them understand the underlying emotions of the husband feeling rejected and the wife feeling afraid.
In the second and third stages of therapy, the couple learns how to change their patterns of interaction. The therapist helps the couple acknowledge and validate their partner’s emotional experience. The couple is encouraged and coached to brainstorm new solutions that work for both partners. When the couple recognizes the emotions underlying the behavior of their partner, they are able to alter their own reactions and establish healthier interaction patterns. The therapist then helps the couple to develop a plan to utilize this approach in other areas of their lives where conflict can arise.
If you are struggling in your relationship, couples counseling can help. A therapist that is trained in EFT can help you understand your attachment needs and improve your emotional connection so that you can feel closer to each other. When you feel understood and deeply connected to your partner, your couple connection can grow stronger.
Anxiety can be hard to deal with at times. When your heart starts pounding and your thoughts start racing, it can feel overwhelming. Self-soothing is needed, but may be hard to do. There are probably a number of coping skills that you can use to help ease your symptoms. However, it can be difficult to remember what helps in the moment. Creating a self-soothing kit that contains different items that engage your senses and ground you in the moment can help you effectively manage anxiety.
What Is Anxiety
Although anxiety, extreme worry and fear, is a normal reaction to a stressful situation and can be quite helpful at times, for some it can be debilitating. When every day occurrences trigger the fight, flight, or freeze response on a regular basis, it can be difficult to calm down and relax. Overthinking, persistent worry, racing thoughts, difficulty concentrating, feeling keyed up, and irritability are common symptoms associated with anxiety. Physical symptoms can include fatigue, trouble sleeping, muscle aches, a heightened startle reflex, sweating, trembling, and nausea. If anxiety continues to escalate, it could lead to a panic attack. The physical symptoms can be severe enough to mimic symptoms of a heart attack. Since anxiety is future oriented worry about what hasn’t occurred, but what might occur, the worst possible outcome in often imagined. Bringing your focus back to the present moment can help calm you down. While you may know many ways to calm yourself down, it can be difficult to recall them when anxiety takes over. A self-soothing kit is a tool you can use to help decrease anxiety when it strikes.
What Is A Self-Soothing Kit
A self-soothing kit is a small box or bag that contains things that help ground you in the present moment. This is something that you create with items that help engage all of your senses so you can be more mindful. When you are able to be fully engaged in the present moment, symptoms of anxiety usually subside. Since a self-soothing kit is small, it is easy to take it with you. This enables you to access your calming tools in different settings that might be especially anxiety provoking. For instance, if a visit to the dentist causes you a great deal of anxiety, you can bring your self-soothing kit with you and use it in the waiting room. In order for the self-soothing kit to be the most effective, it should contain items that engage all of your senses.
Touch
Something small that you can hold in your hand with an interesting shape or texture can help engage your sense of touch. Notice the materials that you like and what is soothing or comforting to you. A comfort object that you can hold, such as a stuffed animal, weighted blanket, or even a piece of material from your childhood comfort object can be quite calming. It can even bring up childhood memories of being held and comforted by a caregiver. You might enjoy molding clay, knitting, crocheting, using a fidget toy, or squeezing a stress ball when you are feeling anxious. A scarf, hat, or small piece of clothing with sequins, fur, or satin can help you use your sense of touch to self-soothe. Gather up the things you like to touch and include some of them in your self-soothing kit.
Smell
There are many items that you can use to elicit your sense of smell. The sense of smell is linked to the emotional center in the brain. Certain scents can be used to help you calm down and decrease symptoms of anxiety. Lavender, bergamot, and frankincense have been shown to decrease symptoms of anxiety, depression, and pain. Candles, essential oils, sachets, and soaps are small enough to easily fit in your self-soothing kit. Vanilla can elevate your mood. Peppermint can enhance your ability to concentrate. You can also include scented markers or crayons. Having things that contain these fragrances in your self-soothing kit can help reduce your anxiety.
Sight
To engage your sense of sight, you want to include items that are visually soothing. Photos of loved ones, favorite places, or of yourself doing something that you enjoy are good options. A book of inspirational sayings can help elevate your mood and calm you down. You can include a coloring book and use your scented markers or crayons. Including a small notebook and pen enables you to write down your feelings as a way of stopping the thought loop. Art supplies can be used to express your worries and fears creatively. You can include a diagram of your favorite breathing exercises and some bubbles to remind you to breathe. Anything that is visually calming or engaging will be useful to add to your self-soothing kit.
Hearing
Music can affect your mood and help you get in touch with your emotions. It can calm you down and make you feel good. Hearing certain songs can illicit memories and related emotions that can cause you to become nostalgic. A set of headphones and creating playlists that make you feel happy and relaxed are things that you can put in your self-soothing kit to stimulate this sense. A recorded message from a loved one, or a recording of your favorite poem can also be helpful. A small white noise machine, music box, or nature sounds machine can engage your auditory senses and help you calm down. You could write down your favorite guided imagery or guided meditation apps as well as your favorite playlists and what emotions they bring up for you and add it to your self-soothing kit. This way you don’t have to worry about searching through your phone when you are feeling overwhelmed.
Taste
When you add things to your self-soothing kit for taste, make sure what you add is non-perishable, or replaced often. Chocolate can increase serotonin and help you feel calmer and more content. Packets of your favorite tea, especially chamomile and peppermint have been shown to reduce stress and anxiety. Hard candies, lollipops, and even cough drops are helpful if anxiety causes your mouth to feel dry. Ginger candy and mints can ease any nausea that might occur when you’re anxious. Chewing gum has been shown to reduce the amount of stress hormones in your body. All of these things can stimulate your taste buds and easily fit into your self-soothing kit.
Try creating a self-soothing kit and see if it helps the next time you feel anxious. If you notice that anxiety is having a negative impact on your life and relationships, you might benefit from counseling. When you feel confident in your ability to manage the symptoms of anxiety, you can feel calmer overall. A self-soothing kit that engages all of your senses and is portable can help you handle symptoms of anxiety more effectively.
Chances are, if you are in a long-term relationship you have probably had a fight or two. Disagreements in relationships are expected and can even be healthy and encourage growth. However, arguments can also lead to hurt feelings and trouble in your relationship if you aren’t fighting fair. Although conflict in a relationship happens, learning how to fight fair can help strengthen your relationship and keep it healthy.
1. Discuss Issues As They Arise
When you have an issue with your partner, let them know about it when it occurs. This way you are less likely to build up resentment. If your partner isn’t aware that something is bothering you, they are unlikely to change the behavior. When you let resentment build, it is easy to explode over something that is seemingly small. For instance, if your partner leaves their dirty dishes in the sink and you believe they should be put in the dishwasher, you will probably be irritated every time you see them in the sink. If you let your partner know that this bothers you, then you can come up with a compromise that you both can agree on.
2. Know What To Let Go
Since you and your partner are not the same person, there is a good chance that you will disagree at times. While there are some issues that you don’t see eye to eye on that will be important to discuss, even if you know it will turn into a fight, there will be other issues that you can let go. The key is figuring out the difference. A good way to determine this is to consider how long the issue is going to be around and how important it is to each of you. If the issue will no longer matter by the end of the day, it is probably not worth the fight. It is helpful to know yourself and your values so you can decide what you can let go. If you make an issue out of everything in your relationship, you will end up with a problem focused relationship.
3. Stick To The Topic At Hand
Focus on the current topic when you have an argument with your partner. When you bring up past problems and issues, it is difficult to resolve anything. If a past issue keeps being brought up, you might want to set aside time at a later date to focus on that issue. Keep in mind that there are some issues that are unresolvable and you will need to find some way to say what you need to say and then agree to disagree. Staying on the current topic lets your partner know that it’s important to you. If one of you changes the topic, the other can give a gentle reminder to keep the focus on the current situation. Having firm boundaries around keeping the past out of the present argument can keep your fight more fair.
4. Set Some Ground Rules
If you have rules in place that you both follow, it can keep things from getting out of hand. Name calling, yelling, belittling, sarcasm, stonewalling and withdrawing can cause the disagreement to become more of a battle. When your feelings are hurt, it’s hard to focus on coming up with a solution, as the focus is on self-protection. Having rules in place that keep things respectful can be very helpful. For instance, you could agree not to call each other names during a fight. If one of you slips and calls the other a name, the other person can give a warning first and walk away if it continues so you both can take a time out. The one that walks away should let their partner know when they will come back to continue the discussion. This way both partners know it’s the way you are treating each other that’s the problem, not what you are discussing. Having rules in place keeps the fight fair for both of you.
5. Use A Code Word
In order to keep the fight fair, you can come up with a code word to use. When the code word is used, that means that you need a break from the argument. You can use the code word when you are feeling attacked or overwhelmed. Both of you need to agree that when the code word is used, you will take a time out and resume the discussion after an agreed upon time. If you agree that when the code word is used, you will take a break for 10 minutes, after the 10 minutes are up and you’ve had a chance to calm down, you should resume the discussion. Come up with a word that you both are familiar with, but don’t use in your everyday conversations. If it’s silly or funny, it can also help de-escalate the situation. Although using a code word can help you fight fair, make sure you don’t overuse it.
6. Use Effective Communication Skills
Using effective communication skills can help keep your fight fair. Effective communication skills require you to speak from your own perspective and listen to what your partner is saying. “I” statements can be used instead of “you” statements to keep what you say about how you are feeling about the situation instead of what you think your partner is doing wrong. Another way to communicate more effectively is to repeat back what you hear your partner say, and allow them to clarify. It is very difficult to repeat back what you hear your partner say if you aren’t listening to them. Doing this can help you both feel heard and understood, even during a fight.
7. Repair
After a fight, it is important to repair the damage. If you win the fight, your partner loses and vice versa. You want to make sure that your relationship is still in a good place. If you were wrong, or you said something mean or hurtful, apologize. Body language, facial expression, humor and touch are ways to connect with your partner after a disagreement. The important thing is to let your partner know that you are still on the same team. Make the argument about the argument and not about the stability of the relationship.
Conflict in your relationship may be unavoidable, but learning how to fight fair can keep your relationship strong. If you have difficulty keeping your fights fair, couples counseling can help. Fair fighting is a skill that you can use to manage your disagreements and help your relationship grow and thrive.
Do you spend a lot of time taking care of others? At times, do you feel overwhelmed and stressed out? Does it feel as though there is not enough time in the day to do the things that you really want to do? If so, you could benefit from practicing self-care.
What Is Self-Care
Self-care is about caring for yourself in a way that protects and enhances your physical and emotional well-being. It is about making the time to give yourself what you need in order to thrive. Self-care is not about being selfish. The care that you give to yourself can improve both your mood and your relationships.
The Benefits Of Self-Care
When you feel well cared for, it is easier to support and care for others. Being able to attend to others needs effectively can have a positive impact on your relationships. Practicing self-care decreases symptoms of anxiety and depression. It takes less effort to handle daily stress when you practice self-care. Self-knowledge improves and more positive thought patterns emerge when you take the time to engage in self-care activities. Self-care can improve your immune system, your ability to manage stress, and your physical and mental well-being. Making simple changes in your daily routine can make all the difference in caring for yourself.
1. Eat Right
It is important to eat foods that nourish your body. Do you often make sure everyone else is enjoying their food, yet find yourself standing and eating, or skipping meals? Have you ever been hangry? Maybe you find yourself short tempered and grumpy only to realize you haven’t eaten all day. Perhaps you have the opposite problem and overeat to manage your feelings or choose foods that don’t satiate your hunger. Eating on a schedule and having a balanced diet with a variety of healthy foods can help keep your blood sugar stable, help you maintain a healthy weight, and improve your mood. Giving your body proper nourishment is a way to practice self-care.
2. Exercise
Daily exercise is good for your body and your mind. You could go to the gym, join an exercise class, such as yoga or Pilates, or get out in nature and take a walk. Moving your body is what’s important. Exercise can help you maintain a healthy weight, and improve your strength and immune system. The endorphins released when you exercise can improve your mood and decrease symptoms of anxiety and depression. Working out, as long as you are not overdoing it, helps decrease levels of cortisol and adrenaline, the stress hormones. Exercise also helps promote better sleep.
3. Get Enough Sleep
The benefits of a good night’s sleep are well documented. A lack of quality sleep can negatively affect your physical and mental health. Although your body rests when you are sleeping, your mind is quite active. This is especially true during REM sleep where dreaming enables you to process your experiences and feelings and helps with memory consolidation. In order to experience restful sleep, you want to set yourself up for success. Create a comfortable atmosphere in your room by keeping it cool and dark. Try to avoid alcohol and caffeine late in the day and avoid exercise a few hours before going to sleep. Turn off electronics and engage in restful activities, such as reading and meditation at least 30 minute before bed. You are more likely to experience a good night’s sleep if you go to bed and wake up at the same time every day.
4. Establish Boundaries
Maintaining healthy boundaries allows you to manage your time and energy effectively. If people, activities, and obligations are demanding more than you have to give, you need to establish some boundaries. Learning to say no to things that drain you can be very empowering. This way, the things that you say yes to will become very meaningful and energy giving instead of draining. Your time is valuable, and so is your energy. Setting boundaries that protect how you spend your time and use your energy is a way to be kind to yourself and practice good self-care.
5. Socialize
Humans are social beings and need to spend time with friends and family and connect with others. Catching up with dear friends, family vacations, and spending time with loved ones can be good for your mental health. While spending time with those that you have formed a strong attachment to can be good for you, socializing in general can also be beneficial. Sharing a sense of community with others can decrease feelings of loneliness. Church, the gym, sporting events, clubs, and other organizations can help you experience connection by interacting with others with similar goals. When you socialize with others, it can improve your overall well-being.
6. Spend Time Alone
While spending time with others is an important part of self-care, so is spending time alone. Spending time alone enables you to focus inward. This is the time to pay attention to yourself, not others. You can focus on your thoughts and spend time feeling your feelings. Engaging in activities that help you unwind and relax can also be beneficial during your alone time. Have a cup of tea, take a walk, relax in a hot bath, and listen to comforting music. The important thing about alone time is that you put yourself on your schedule and make this self-care time intentional.
7. Practice Mindfulness
Practicing mindfulness is a good way to engage in self-care. When you are being mindful, your attention and focus is on the present moment. Although it is quite easy to understand, it can be challenging to practice. Distracting thoughts and feelings can interfere with your ability to be grounded in the current moment. Meditation, yoga, and grounding exercises can help you learn to focus on what is happening now. Practicing mindfulness can decrease symptoms of anxiety and depression and improve your mood. You can start by focusing on your breathing as you take some slow, deep breaths.
8. Learn Something New
When you learn something new, it requires your full attention and focus. While this is good for practicing mindfulness, it also encourages new connections to form between neurons in the brain. Because of neuroplasticity, the ability of the brain to change throughout life, learning new things can help ward off dementia. Since learning something new can be exciting, it helps decrease boredom and overactive thoughts. Learning new skills can help you learn other things faster and improve your memory. Engaging in something that’s new and different can help break the monotony of routine and is a good way to practice self-care.
9. Do Things That Bring You Joy
Making time for the things that you enjoy is an essential part of caring for yourself. It is easy to let these things slide when your to do list is long and there isn’t enough time in the day to tackle it all. However, when you carve out the time to do the things that you love, everything that you have to do becomes more manageable. Put these activities on your schedule. If you want to spend more time with your kids and you love being out in nature, take your kids on a hike. If you enjoy traveling that might be trickier to incorporate into your day. You could, however, spend time each day reading up on places you would like to visit, or planning out your next vacation. Scheduling time to do the things that bring you joy can increase positive feelings and improve your mood.
In order to care for yourself effectively, you need to spend some time every day focusing on you. It could be a little challenging at first to do this. However, once you notice how much better you feel, the benefits of practicing self-care will be worth the effort.
Having a baby is a big transition for a couple. Although it is an exciting new adventure, it can also be a very stressful time for your relationship. As you adjust to the needs and demands of your baby, you may find yourself with little time and energy to focus on each other. This change is a normal part of the transition to parenthood. However, there are some things that you can do to keep your relationship strong after having a baby.
1. Discuss Parenting Views
There is a good chance that you each have different ideas about parenting and different ways of engaging with your baby. This is normal, and can even be beneficial for your child. However, not being on the same page when it comes to important parenting matters can lead to arguments between the two of you and confusion for your baby. It is helpful to discuss some of these bigger issues before the baby is born and to revisit them when necessary. Discipline, routine, extended family, religion and education are some topics that you might want to explore. For example, if you and your spouse practice different religions, you will want to discuss your expectations for your child around religion before the baby is born. When you are aware of each other’s values around parenting, you can have meaningful discussions about how you want to raise your baby and why.
2. Spend Time As A Couple
You don’t stop being a couple when you have a baby, even though it might feel like it at times. Spending time with the baby won’t be an issue. However, spending time together as a couple could be. As hard as it might be to leave your baby, carving out couple time together will strengthen your bond. It’s best to have couple time away from the baby if at all possible. That way, you can focus on each other without worrying about being interrupted. Hire a babysitter, or ask a trusted friend or relative to watch the baby. Do something together that you both enjoyed before the baby. This will help you to connect as a couple, not just as parents, which can keep your relationship strong after having a baby.
3. Practice Self Care
While it is important to do things together as a couple, if you want to keep your relationship strong after having a baby, it is equally important to do things you each enjoy individually. You probably had individual friends, hobbies, and interests before you had a baby. Most likely you enjoyed these things because they filled you up. Although you may not have as much time to spend on these things as before the baby, devoting some time to them will keep you balanced. It is easy to get caught up in the needs of your baby. But the truth is, the more you care for yourself, the more you will have to give to your baby, and your partner. It is not selfish to practice self care. Modeling this for your child will allow them to see the benefits of taking care of yourself so they can practice this as well.
4. Discuss Finances
Having a baby can impact your finances. It is always a good idea to be aware of your financial situation and to see how prepared you are for the additional expenses that having a baby entails. Preparing ahead of time for financial changes can keep money from being an additional stressor. However, even if you are seemingly well prepared, unexpected changes that impact your finances can occur when you have a baby. Maybe one of you wants to stay home with the baby instead of returning to work. It is easier to deal with unexpected financial situations if you have a budget and are aware of your income and expenses. Finances can easily become problematic when you have a decrease in income and an increase in expenses. Being aware of this and having a plan in place, can keep financial concerns from becoming a source of contention when you have a baby.
5. Ask For Support
A baby requires a lot of care in general. If they are sick, teething, or colicky it can feel even more overwhelming. Maybe you were up all night trying to comfort the baby. As a parent, there are times when you just need a break. When you need a break, let your partner know. If it is hard for you to ask for help, come up with a code word you can use that means you need a break. When you don’t ask for help and just continue to feel overwhelmed, you could end up resenting your partner. Even if your partner is unable to give you what you need immediately, they might have suggestions that can be beneficial. Feeling supported by one another can bring you closer together.
6. Check In Daily
This might seem obvious, but sometimes opposite schedules, added responsibility, and a lack of sleep can interfere with basic communication. When you don’t communicate regularly, you can feel disconnected from each other. Setting aside time during the day to talk about what is going on and what you each need will help keep you both on the same page. This is the time to discuss your baby. Talk about how wonderful they are, how they are doing, what they need, and what you need help with during the day. Discussing your personal agendas and expectations regarding caring for your baby will help you figure out the best way to organize your time so everyone’s needs are met. Checking in with each other daily will also alert you to mood changes that can occur following the birth so they can be addressed before they become problematic. Being attuned to each other’s daily needs can enable you to support one another in meaningful ways.
7. Talk About Your Dreams
While it is necessary to discuss your day to day needs and plans, it is just as important to talk about your future. Set aside time to talk about your goals, ideas, and ambitions together. Although having a baby may alter some of these, sharing your hopes and dreams about the future is what is really beneficial. Doing this helps you stay connected in a different way. Discuss things that interest you and excite you. You should have some rules around this sharing time so you don’t end up discussing things you are talking about in your daily check-in. Since this time is about dreams, there is no right or wrong, even if you have different ideas about what the future looks like. There is no need to argue about something that may or may not happen and hasn’t happened yet, this is simply a time to exercise your imagination. Encouraging each other to share your hopes and wishes can deepen your couple intimacy and strengthen your bond.
8. Have Sex
Maintain an active sex life. Once you are cleared by the doctor to do so, resume sexual activity. As new parents, there will be plenty of reasons not to have sex. Sleep will probably be a bigger priority for awhile. It will be difficult to find uninterrupted time to focus on each other. Body changes and insecurities can make you feel less attractive and can decrease your libido. However, having sex can be beneficial to your relationship and to each of you individually. Sex can improve your mood, decrease pain, and improve your connection through the release of the bonding hormone, oxytocin. Sex can also help you feel more relaxed which can help you sleep better. When you make sex a priority, you will deepen your couple connection.
Having a baby can change your couple relationship. This change can be challenging, but it can also bring you closer together. If you find you are struggling in your relationship during this life transition, couples counseling can help. Your baby will benefit from the work you do to keep your couple relationship strong.
