Your attachment style can say a lot about your relationships. Maybe you feel confident in most aspects of your life, yet struggle to feel assured in your relationships. Your attachment style can impact how you behave and what you need in a relationship for it to be successful. Understanding your attachment style can help you figure out your strengths and weaknesses around relating so you can feel more secure in your relationships.
Attachment
Attachment refers to the way you relate to people and form bonds. John Bowlby suggests, in attachment theory, that the way a child attaches to their caregiver influences the way they form other social relationships. The four attachment styles are anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, fearful-avoidant, and secure. Your attachment style determines how you go about getting your relational needs met. Although your attachment style begins to develop in infancy, it can change due to experiences and interactions with others. For example, if you had an abusive parent, and developed a fearful-avoidant attachment style, but your subsequent relationships were with those that had a secure attachment style, you could have a secure attachment to your spouse. Knowing your attachment style enables you to share this with others so your attachment needs can be addressed. No matter what your attachment style is, when your attachment needs are met you experience happier and healthier relationships.
Anxious-Preoccupied
If you have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style, you might be a highly sensitive person. You are probably very alert to small relationship shifts and find it easy to tune into other’s expressions and moods. Although you are very perceptive, you might have a tendency to catastrophize and imagine the worst. Like, if your partner doesn’t respond immediately to your text, you might assume they are mad at you and they want to end the relationship, instead of just assuming they are busy. When this insecurity sets in, you need a lot of reassurance from your partner to believe that everything is okay. If you receive this reassurance, everything calms down and you relax. If you don’t receive this reassurance, you may resort to manipulative behaviors that could end up destroying your relationship.
The anxious-preoccupied attachment style can develop when your primary caregiver is inconsistent in their availability and ability to respond to your needs. You might become anxious and worried and develop a deep fear of abandonment. This can cause clingy behavior in your adult relationships as you look to your partner to alleviate your self-doubt. Having a negative self-view while having a positive view of others, especially parents and partners, is quite common. Expressing anger can be difficult and suppressed anger might lead to an outburst followed by begging for forgiveness. It is difficult to trust others and there is quite often a strong fear of abandonment.
Dismissive-Avoidant
Someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style has a deep fear of rejection. To manage this fear, you might avoid intimate relationships by keeping your partner at a distance or leaving a relationship when it becomes too emotionally charged. A high level of independence is what you desire in your relationships. You might keep yourself busy with work, or hobbies that enable you to nurture your independence. Conflict and troubling emotional situations are hard for you to deal with and you might avoid them by distancing yourself from the relationship. It could be very difficult for you to feel emotionally close to anyone. You might believe you don’t need relationships and you could have a difficult time showing your emotions. This fear of emotional closeness can leave you feeling lonely and isolated.
Those with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style often experienced their caregiver as unavailable. You saw your caregiver as being unresponsive to your needs, or emotionally unavailable. This lead to a belief that you can only rely on yourself, not others. You may feel that if you were to open up to others emotionally, they would reject you. Independence was most likely highly valued in your childhood, while emotional displays were not tolerated. Although it may seem that you have an inflated sense of self, this defense mechanism often hides your deep fears and vulnerability. You might think of your childhood as happy, although it is often difficult to recall any memories related to your parents.
Fearful-Avoidant
If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, you probably have difficulty with both intimacy and distance. You could be deeply afraid of abandonment and equally scared of emotional closeness. This can result in a push-pull dynamic in your relationships. You could cling to your partner when you feel they are too distant, and push them away when you believe they are getting too close. Your relationships go through many ups and downs and seem to be quite dramatic. It could be very challenging for you to rely on others as you believe that they will let you down.
If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, you may have experienced abuse or neglect from your caregiver. This abusive pattern can sometimes continue in your adult relationships where you might take on a passive role. The fearful-avoidant attachment style can increase your risk for anxiety and depression. You may have viewed your caregiver as being anxious or scary. It is difficult to trust others as you have a negative view of both yourself and others. Although you fear getting close to others and believe they will reject you, there is a reliance on others to maintain a positive self-view.
Secure
When you have a secure attachment style, you tend to have a good view of love and intimacy. There is a belief that you are worthy of love and you expect others to be able to meet your needs. You are able to be vulnerable with your partner and can respond to their needs by offering comfort and support. It is easier to set healthy boundaries in your relationships which helps you get your needs met and enables you to effectively respond to the needs of your partner. Your relationships tend to be growth oriented and low in drama. You turn to your partner in times of distress and are able to be there for others when they need you.
With a secure attachment style, you felt that your caregivers responded to your needs appropriately. This helped you develop trust in others and their ability to meet your needs. You saw your caregiver as someone you could depend on and you expect this in your adult relationships as well. A positive view of self and others is experienced and you expect your relationships to be secure. You place a high value on both dependence and independence in your close relationships. It is easier to trust others and to expect the best from your relationships.
If you notice that you do not have a secure attachment style, it doesn’t mean that your relationships are doomed. Developing relationships with those that have a more secure attachment style can help you learn skills that could enhance your relationships. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help you understand and address the negative thought patterns and behaviors related to your attachment style that lead to difficulties in your relationships. By acknowledging and addressing insecure attachment patterns, you can experience more security and happiness in your relationships.
If you experience a traumatic event or struggle with anxiety, you might exist in a highly aroused state. Symptoms you experience can be difficult to manage and sometimes even debilitating. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, EMDR is a scientifically based therapeutic technique. EMDR helps you reprocess trauma and heal the associated symptoms.
What Is EMDR
EMDR is a therapeutic procedure. It helps you desensitize and reprocess traumatic or disturbing life events and psychological distress without the need to go into great detail about the trauma. EMDR was developed by psychologist Francine Shapiro in 1987. EMDR helps those experiencing posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). You can easily be triggered if you experienced a trauma that you have not effectively processed. This can happen by recalling the memory or being in a situation that reminds you of the trauma. It can cause you to relive the traumatic experience as if it is currently happening, even though it isn’t.
In EMDR, the reprocessing of the event occurs through bilateral stimulation while recalling memories related to the traumatic event. The bilateral stimulation engages both the right (emotional) side of the brain, and the left (logical) side of the brain. This helps memories process more fully. EMDR mimics REM sleep where dreaming and processing of emotions occurs. Bilateral stimulation occurs through eye movements by following lights or the therapists fingers as they move from side to side. You can also listen to bilateral tones, or use alternating tactile stimulation. The memory remains, but the emotional reaction and related symptoms attached to the event significantly decrease through EMDR. This is because EMDR taps into the brain’s natural healing ability.
What Can EMDR Be Used To Treat
Although no one knows exactly how EMDR works, there are numerous studies outlining its efficacy. EMDR is effective with those who suffer symptoms related to PTSD. PTSD occurs when you experience a traumatic event, such as a bad accident, and you have disturbing symptoms that linger beyond 6 months. These symptoms can include flashbacks, nightmares, avoiding situations that remind you of the traumatic event, negative changes in beliefs or feelings, and hyperarousal. EMDR treats symptoms of complex PTSD related to ongoing exposure to trauma as experienced by prisoners of war, and child abuse survivors. EMDR effectively treats generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, grief, chronic pain, addiction, phobias, and performance anxiety. It successfully helps athletes enhance their performance, especially when they have suffered sports related injuries.
What Are The Side Effects Of EMDR
There are some side effects that commonly occur with EMDR therapy. Sometimes, as you process a negative experience, unpleasant memories related to, or even unrelated to the event that were either buried or forgotten can come up. You might experience difficult emotions during and after a session. This can include anger and sadness and intense nightmares as well. It may feel as though things get worse before getting better.
However, there are positive side effects that commonly occur as well. Forgotten positive memories can be brought to the surface. It’s also possible to experience very intense pleasant memories and dreams where all of your senses are heightened. A feeling of relief, relaxation, or euphoria might occur following an EMDR session. Although some people experience exhaustion or a lightheaded feeling, many report falling asleep easily and experiencing vivid dreams.
What Are The 8 Phases Of EMDR
EMDR can significantly reduce PTSD related to a single traumatic incident in three to six sessions. Complex PTSD usually takes longer. The eight phases of EMDR include history taking, client preparation, assessment, desensitization, installation, body scan, closure, and reevaluation.
Phases 1 through 3
History taking includes assessing a client’s readiness for EMDR and the development of a treatment plan. Writing down the presenting problem and any related symptoms occurs. The client and therapist collaborate and identify possible targets to process with EMDR.
In the client preparation phase, explaining the theory and process of EMDR takes place. Teaching and practicing of Relaxation techniques used during and between sessions occurs.
The assessment phase requires the client to identify an image representing the target event. The therapist helps the client explore any negative beliefs, body sensations, or emotions related to the event. Next, the client identifies a positive belief to replace the negative one.
Phases 4 through 8
During desensitization, the client focuses on the image that represents the target event along with the negative belief. The client focuses on this and bilateral stimulation, such as listening to tones as it alternates from one ear to the other, occurs. This continues until a disturbance no longer connects to the memory.
In the installation phase, the identified positive belief replaces the negative belief. The client focuses on the image representing the target event along with the positive belief. Bilateral stimulation occurs simultaneously.
The client performs a body scan to check for any tension in the body associated with the distressing memory. If tension remains, reprocessing may need to occur. If tension is absent, the therapist will proceed to the next phase.
With the closure phase, the client keeps a journal of anything that comes up between sessions. The client practices the relaxation skills that they learned between sessions.
The reevaluation phase occurs at the start of every new session. Any new memories, experiences, or thoughts that occur are discussed. Reprocessing of any new disturbances occurs.
EMDR can help you engage both sides of your brain so you can effectively process trauma. If you have experienced trauma or struggle with anxiety or addiction, a therapist trained in EMDR can help you reprocess the experience and decrease related negative symptoms. EMDR can be a powerful tool to use on your healing journey.
Intimacy is the key to a happy and healthy long term relationship. Relationship intimacy requires a strong physical and emotional connection. When a relationship lacks intimacy, it can be difficult to maintain. If a level of connection is lacking, it can lead to feelings of loneliness and resentment. When you feel emotionally intimate with your partner, it increases your overall well-being. If you notice the intimate connection with your partner isn’t what you want it to be, read on for 10 ways to increase the level of intimacy in your relationship.
1. Try Something New
A daily routine can help you feel safe and comfortable. You know what to expect and what is going to happen next. In a relationship, this can provide a level of security. However, trying something new and unexpected can help reignite the spark that can keep your relationship interesting. Stepping out of your comfort zone and trying something new can be invigorating. It doesn’t really matter what it is that you do. You can learn something together, try an activity that is new to both of you, or try something in the bedroom you haven’t tried before. When you do something new and different together the excitement generated by the experience can create stimulation and connection that can help you feel closer to each other.
2. Reminisce
Reminisce about the good times you’ve shared together. When you discuss a fun experience you had together, or something funny you witnessed, it helps transport you back to that time as you recall the emotions surrounding the event. When you reminisce about pleasurable experiences you had, you recapture some of the positive feelings related to those experiences. If you are trying to increase your couple intimacy, you want to focus on the good memories and what it was like then. Reminiscing about the positive experiences helps keep the focus on what is going right in your relationship which can deepen your couple intimacy.
3. Touch More
Physical contact helps you stay connected to your partner. Touch is the first of the senses to develop and is an essential component of healthy development. Affectionate physical touch has a number of health benefits as well. The health benefits include a decrease in blood pressure and an increase in the bonding hormone, oxytocin. This occurs for the person being touched as well as the one doing the touching. So reach out and touch your partner. Hold hands when taking a walk, caress their leg while sitting together, and linger when you give them a hug. Spend more time touching each other to increase your level of intimacy.
4. Schedule Sex
Make sex a priority again. As unromantic as it might seem, life can get in the way of your sexual connection if it’s not on the schedule. When you crawl into bed after a long day, sometimes the only thing on your mind is sleep. It is easier to go without sex when you aren’t in the habit of doing it. However, if it is part of the scheduled routine, the intimate connection that you receive through sexual intimacy will remain an important part of your relationship. Scheduled sex provides the opportunity to build the anticipation and engage the biggest erogenous zone, the brain. You can send text messages leading up to the sex date describing what you want to do and how sexy you find your partner. It also gives you a chance to prepare for alone time where the focus can be on each other. When you engage in regularly planned sexual intimacy, you are more likely to be open to more spontaneous sexual encounters as well.
5. Stay Connected
Stay connected with your partner throughout the day. Text each other, leave little notes for your partner, and let them know how your day is going. Check in with each other once a day and look into each other’s eyes. Understand how your partner spends their day and share your experiences as well. Spend time together in the evenings. Discuss things besides the kids, chores, and schedules. When you feel a strong connection with your partner, your level of intimacy will improve.
6. Show Appreciation
Saying please and thank you can go a long way towards helping your partner feel appreciated. When you feel that your partner appreciates you, it is easier to do the daily chores that help your household run more smoothly. Be specific and sincere with your praise. Compliment your partner freely. Let them know what you love about them. Simple acts of kindness and words of praise can help you both feel more valued by the other. Feeling that your partner appreciates you helps strengthen your couple bond.
7. Go On A Date
Go on a date outside of your home with your partner. Make the time to be with your partner in a different environment where the focus can be on each other. When you are at home, there can be a lot of distractions from kids, work, or chores. Without all of the outside interference, you can focus on enjoying each other and having fun together. Going on dates together helps keep the focus on your connection as a couple.
8. Be Vulnerable
You need to be vulnerable with your partner in order to feel accepted and understood. Being vulnerable can be uncomfortable, especially at first. Share your feelings, your worries, your fears, your excitement, your concerns, and your dreams with your partner. Make an effort to have those uncomfortable conversations that you often try to avoid. Let your partner know when you are feeling hurt or insecure in your relationship. Your intimacy with your partner will increase when you believe you can be vulnerable with your partner.
9. Have A Life Outside Of Your Relationship
Although your relationship needs to be a priority if you want to increase your intimacy, honoring your individual needs will make you a better partner. When you deny your individual needs, or rely only on your partner to gratify them, you are setting your relationship up for failure. If you are fulfilled in other areas of your life, you will have more to give to your relationship. Spend time with friends and engage in hobbies and activities that you feel passionate about. When you have something in your life that excites and nourishes you outside of your relationship, you can share your enthusiasm with your partner which can help you grow closer.
10. Support Your Partner
Be there for your partner when they need you. If they ask you for help, let them know what you can and cannot do to help. Let them know that you are there. Be a good listener. Use basic communication skills and repeat back what you hear them say so they feel heard. Put down your phone, limit other distractions and give your partner your undivided attention. Cheer your partner on and be dependable. When your partner feels like you are there for them and they can count on you, it can strengthen your couple connection.
A strong couple connection exists when emotional and physical intimacy is a priority. If the above tips are not effective, or if there are other relational issues that interfere with intimacy, couples counseling can help. Improving your relationship intimacy is worth it as it can improve your connection and your overall individual well-being as well.
If you are empathic, you probably easily identify with the feelings of others. You might also absorb the emotions and moods of those around you. Being in a crowd could leave you feeling exhausted and emotionally drained. It is probably difficult to watch violent movies, or even the news. If you absorb the energy around you and feel what others are feeling, then you might be an empath. While there is nothing wrong with being an empath, it can take a toll on your emotional well-being. If being an empath is negatively impacting your mental health, there are some things you can try that might help.
Being An Empath
If you are an empath, you can easily identify with and experience another’s feelings. Empathy can be a very good quality as it can help you connect with others through a deep level of understanding. You probably have good intuition, are a natural nurturer, and exude a healing energy. Being around joyful, excited people energizes you and makes you feel good. The difficult part of being empathic is that you also pick up on the negative energy and feelings of sadness and despair. This can lead to problems with anxiety and depression when it is hard to separate yourself from the unpleasant emotions of others. If you are sensitive to other people’s feelings and emotions, there are things you can do to keep yourself from absorbing all of the negative energy around you.
1. Name The Feeling
When you are sensitive to other people’s energy, it is difficult to know if what you are feeling belongs to you, or someone else. Naming the feeling you are experiencing can help with this. If you were having a great day and when someone joined you anger came up, this feeling might not belong to you. Being able to differentiate and name your feelings, can help you realize what feelings belong to you and which ones might belong to someone else.
2. Ground Yourself
If you notice yourself absorbing the energy of those around you, ground yourself back in the present moment. Focus on a specific object nearby. Name the things that are around you. Touch something with a unique texture. Take some deep, cleansing belly breaths. When your focus is on the experience rather than the feeling, it is easier to keep the energy around you separate from you. Practicing mindfulness and meditation can be helpful as well. The more you are able to be fully present in the moment, the less likely you are to take on the negative emotions of others.
3. Be Self-Aware
Self-awareness is important when you are sensitive to other people’s feelings. Acknowledge your need for alone time. Spend time with your own emotions. Allow your feelings to be without judgment. Learn what triggers you in a negative way. Also, become aware of what brings you feelings of joy. When you are more aware of your own feelings, moods, and triggers, it is easier to tell when you are picking up on someone else’s energy. Being more self-aware will enable you to cultivate different ways to acknowledge emotions that do not belong to you without absorbing them.
4. Visualize A Glass Wall
There are a number of techniques that you can use to keep other people’s energy separate. One technique includes visualizing a glass wall between yourself and the other person. The glass wall allows you to see the other person’s emotions. However, the emotions are not able to penetrate the wall. When they hit the wall, they bounce back to the other person, not to you. You can see and acknowledge the feelings, but you do not absorb them. This technique can work in large crowds as well. You can picture yourself surrounded by a glass wall as you move through the crowd. Although you may notice their energy, you do not have to take it on as it cannot get through the wall.
5. Be Curious
When it is easier to pick up on the feelings of someone else, you might also believe that you understand how this impacts them. Even if your assumptions are correct, sometimes people just want to be heard. Being curious about the other person and what they are feeling and how it is affecting them can help you separate what they are feeling from what you are feeling. Instead of taking on someone else’s bad mood, you can ask them questions about what they are going through. Gaining a deeper understanding of what the other person is experiencing and why can keep your own feelings separate, no matter how empathic you might be. Showing curiosity about what someone is going through enables them to begin to process their experience through sharing, which can help you both feel closer.
6. Have Strong Boundaries
If you are empathetic, it is very important to have strong boundaries. Since it is natural for you to understand and empathize with others, you might easily become a dumping ground for their negative emotions. It is essential that you know yourself and what you are and are not able to handle. You might need more alone time than others to feel energized. Certain people and situations might be particularly draining for you and you may have to limit your exposure to them. Effective boundaries help you set limits based on your own needs, feelings, and energy levels. This way you can limit your exposure to those people that consistently drain your energy.
7. Release The Emotion
Even if you incorporate all of the above, if you are naturally sensitive to the emotions of others, there will be times when you will absorb them. When this happens, you can use another visualization technique to keep from becoming overwhelmed. To do this, you can picture leaves floating down a stream. Picture yourself writing down the feeling you have absorbed onto a leaf. As the leaf flows down the stream and out of sight, the feeling goes with it and you are left with the calmness of the flowing water. Try this the next time you pick up on someone else’s emotions and see if it is helpful.
Empathy is a gift that helps you connect with others. The key to being empathetic without the negative side effects is to maintain a strong sense of self. If you are an empath, and find yourself absorbing the negative energy around you, try some of the ideas above to see if they are helpful. That way, your compassion, deep level of understanding, and healing energy will shine through.
Most people long to be deeply known and completely understood by their partner. However, to reach this level of intimacy in your relationship, you have to be willing to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable requires you to open up and share who you are, what you need, and what you fear, without being sure how your partner will respond. This can be scary as the underlying fear might be that if your partner truly knows you and all of your flaws, they might reject you. While this is a possibility, there is also the chance that your partner will respond with understanding, empathy, and compassion. When you feel safe enough to be vulnerable with your partner, you can experience a deeper level of intimacy and a stronger couple connection.
What Is Vulnerability
If you look up vulnerability in the dictionary, it says that it is the state of being exposed to the possibility of being physically or emotionally harmed or attacked. Vulnerability requires emotional risk. When your are being vulnerable, you are deeply sharing who you are at your core. You are allowing your partner to know you without any filter. This opens you up to the possibility of being judged or rejected. It requires you to share how you think, what you feel, what you need, and what you have experienced with complete authenticity. To be truly vulnerable is to allow yourself to be authentically known.
Why Being Vulnerable Can Be Difficult
Vulnerability requires a great deal of trust. You have to trust your partner of course. But more importantly, you have to trust yourself. As Brene Brown shared in her Ted Talk, the ability to be vulnerable requires you to believe that you are worthy of a deep connection. You might think of being vulnerable as being weak. The truth is, it takes a great deal of strength to share yourself, warts and all, and open yourself up to the possibility of being hurt, misunderstood, or rejected. Although there is the possibility of rejection, there is also the possibility of feeling truly heard and understood by your partner. When you feel loved, validated, and appreciated for who you are, it creates a strong level of intimacy with your partner.
What Happens When You Are Not Vulnerable
It is very difficult to feel that your partner gets you when you are not being vulnerable. When you don’t feel heard and understood, it is hard to feel truly intimate with your partner. This can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation. You feel disconnected from your partner both emotionally and physically. There can be more disagreements about unimportant things, and less deep discussions about what truly matters. Although being vulnerable can be risky, not being vulnerable can be devastating to your relationship. Below are some ways that you can begin to become more vulnerable with your partner to improve your relationship.
1. Know Yourself
To become more vulnerable with your partner, you must first really know yourself. Everyone has a past and early experiences that help shape current responses and reactions. Sharing these past experiences that may be impacting your relationship can help your partner better understand who you are. Be aware of your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Remind yourself that your feelings are valid and you don’t need to judge them. Become more aware of what triggers an emotional response or causes you to shut down, or explode. When you are aware of some of your deepest fears and needs, you have the opportunity to be vulnerable with your partner by sharing them.
2. Start Slow
Deeply sharing and being vulnerable requires trust, and trust requires time. You do not, and should not share all of your most personal feelings and experiences on a first date. It is okay to start slow. Ask questions of your partner to better understand them. Encouraging your partner to be more vulnerable with you, can help you feel safer sharing with them. Begin by sharing something about yourself that reveals something that you feel comfortable discussing. Maybe you can share a struggle that you are facing at work. When you begin to build more trust and start feeling comfortable, you can open up about things of a more personal nature.
3. Share In The Moment
Be more open about sharing what’s going on when it occurs. If your partner says something that hurts you, share with them how you are feeling. Let them know that what they said hurt you. Share what you are feeling and why from your own perspective. Use “I” statements when you share. For instance, you could say I feel hurt when you say I’m being too sensitive as it is something my mother used to say whenever I cried or was visibly upset. When you are hurt or upset, you might want to ignore it or bury it and discuss it later. However, the more you can authentically share yourself and your feelings in the moment, the closer you will feel to your partner.
4. Share Your Fears
You will create a deeper level of intimacy with your partner when you are able to share your fears. This can include sharing the fact that being vulnerable is scary for you. Instead of shutting down when you are feeling insecure, you can open up and talk about it with your partner. We all have insecurities and deep-seated fears. Even if you believe these fears are irrational, they can still have an impact on your responses and reactions. Sharing these fears with your partner, especially when it seems hard, can help you feel closer. When you share your concerns, you give your partner the opportunity to care for you. If they respond to your sharing with empathy and compassion, it can help you feel understood.
5. Ask For What You Need
When you ask for what you need from your partner, they are able to make an active choice. They get to decide if they are going to meet your needs. You will learn a lot about your partner and the health of your relationship from their response. It might be difficult for you to ask for what you need. If it is, you may want to consider your own self-esteem. Perhaps you feel as though you don’t have any needs. Maybe you understand that you have needs, but are afraid you will be rejected if you ask for what you need. Asking for what you need requires vulnerability. It is true that you might open yourself up to disappointment. However, it is also possible that you will experience feeling understood, nurtured, and deeply connected to your partner.
Although being vulnerable with your partner can cause a certain level of anxiety and uncertainty, it can also increase your intimacy and deepen your couple connection. Remember that being vulnerable in your relationship is not always easy and takes practice and patience. The rewards of a stronger couple connection and feeling heard, valued, and understood are well worth the risks.
