When your loved one is struggling with the effects of aging or an illness, they might need your help. While you may want to help, becoming their caregiver can be difficult as the nature of your relationship shifts. The demands of caregiving, while rewarding, can also be overwhelming. The difficulties of providing long term care for your loved one can sometimes result in caregiver burnout.
What Is A Caregiver?
A caregiver is someone who takes care of others. They handle the tasks that others are not able to do for themselves at this time. You probably expect that you will need to take care of young children. However, there can be times where caring for other’s that you didn’t expect can also occur. This includes caring for aging parents, or a sick or disabled family member. A a caregiver might be expected to take their family member to appointments, cook meals, and clean the house. They may also provide emotional and financial support. At times a caregiver may need to provide additional support based on the situation and needs of their loved one.
What Is Caregiver Burnout?
Caregiving can be physically demanding and emotionally draining. Caregivers that need to care for their aging or disabled family member can begin to become overwhelmed. There can be differences of opinion with other family members over what should and should not be done. A lack of control over the situation and outcome can be disheartening, especially when the family member’s condition continues to deteriorate. When a caregiver becomes physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted their ability to effectively care for their loved one is significantly decreased. Their once nurturing demeanor changes to indifference. This is known as caregiver burnout. Caregiver burnout can be very serious as there is a possibility that it could lead to neglect or abuse if it is not addressed.
Signs of caregiver burnout
When you are aware of the symptoms of caregiver stress, you can start addressing them so you don’t experience burnout. Anxiety and depression are common in caregiver stress. You might experience feelings of sadness, apathy, or constant worry, especially when your family member’s ability to function begins to significantly decline. Irritability might increase and you may experience feelings of hopelessness, or helplessness. There is less time to focus on yourself and the things that bring you joy. Your health may suffer as self-care efforts diminish. You could feel exhausted most of the time and take little satisfaction in your caregiving role. This could lead to increased irritability and impatience with the person you are caring for. If you are a caregiver to an aging, sick, or disabled family member, there are things that you can do to decrease the chances of experiencing caregiver burnout.
Practice Good Self-Care
It is very difficult to effectively care for others if you are not taking care of yourself. Becoming depleted of energy and enthusiasm related to caring for your loved one is common when self-care is neglected. Spend time with friends and family, engage in activities you enjoy, exercise, and take care of your own mental and physical health. Taking walks, practicing meditation, and focusing on your breathing can be helpful when caregiving tasks seem overwhelming. Focusing on your own well-being will recharge your batteries so you are able to meet the needs of your loved one.
Ask For Help
While it is normal to want to do everything for your loved one yourself, you will be a better caregiver if you ask for help. You can enlist the help of friends, family, and neighbors that can provide you with a much needed break. Set up a schedule where others can sit with your loved one while you practice self-care. Hire outside help to do some of the tasks that you have trouble with. Asking others for help can give you the downtime you need, which can help keep you from experiencing caregiver burnout.
Practice Acceptance
Accept the situation for what it is. Focus on what you can control, not what you can’t. If your loved one has a terminal illness, you might not be able to control the probable outcome. However, you can control some of the day to day activities you engage in with them. When your loved one has Alzheimer’s, you might not be able to control what they do or do not remember, but you can control how you respond to them. By accepting what you can’t change and focusing on what you can change, you can feel more empowered to deal with the reality of your loved ones situation.
Get Support
Caregiving can feel lonely and isolating. When you have a job, a family, and a loved one you need to care for, you can be stretched pretty thin. Joining a support group, looking into family leave, and taking advantage of services and support through your job, church, and community can be invaluable. Talking to friends and others that can understand, empathize, and validate your experience, can keep you from feeling so alone. Therapy can also help you manage feelings of depression and anxiety so you are less likely to experience caregiver burnout.
Caring for an aging, ill, or disabled loved one can create a number of challenges that can impact your mental and physical well-being. It is important to reach out to others and ask for the assistance you need. Taking care of yourself will give you the energy you need to care for your loved one without experiencing caregiver burnout.
Grief is a process. It is often a difficult and painful process that everyone experiences in their own way. Any loss can be devastating, even when it is expected. Coming to terms with a loss can be hard as it often shakes you to your very core. Life as you know it, will never be the same again.
Why We Grieve
There are many reasons why you may experience grief. Any loss, expected or not, can cause you to grieve. A job loss, relationship break-up, health crisis, death of a loved one, or even normal life transitions like retirement, or children leaving home can feel like a loss. The grieving process provides a way to acknowledge the loss you’ve experienced and move forward in your life. When you suffer a loss, you need to process the experience and create a new normal.
The 5 Stages Of Grief
The five stages of grief, according to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross as outlined in her book On Death and Dying, include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Unfortunately, the grief process is not linear. Instead, it is common to go back and forth between most of the stages until finally coming to terms with your loss and reaching acceptance. It is also possible to skip some of the stages and create new ones as you navigate this difficult period. There is no correct way to grieve and it takes as long as it takes, so it is important to be gentle with yourself.
Denial
Denial is not necessarily bad and can be helpful. Just like your body going into shock after an injury to prevent further damage, the shock you experience after a difficult loss can be protective. It is easy to become overwhelmed after a loss. Denial allows you to go through the motions of your daily existence by numbing your emotional response. You pretend the loss hasn’t really happened and that everything is still the way it always was. Denial helps you begin to process the loss by letting it sink in slowly. You might have difficulty getting in touch with your feelings and feel very disconnected from everything and everyone around you. If you were to experience all of the feelings going on at once, it would be impossible to function. Remember to be gentle with yourself and acknowledge and feel your feelings when they do come.
Anger
Anger is a normal part of the grieving process. Often, once you start to acknowledge what has happened and the gravity of what it means, anger emerges. You might be angry at the situation, a person, God, the universe, or yourself. The anger that is part of the grieving process may not make a lot of sense to you or those around you. A lot of questions that you may not be able to answer can come up with the anger. You might ruminate about why it happened. Maybe you don’t know what you should do now. There is sometimes a need to find someone or something to blame. Anger is easy, it’s an acceptable emotion in society and not difficult to access. However, it is a masking emotion that hides your deeper, more troubling feelings, such as sadness, pain, rejection, and abandonment that might be too difficult to deal with now. It is okay to feel anger. Sometimes it can feel good just to feel something again. Allow yourself to feel the anger, but stay in control of your responses and reactions. Journaling about your feelings enables you to get them out in a healthy way, which can keep you from acting out in anger.
Bargaining
Once you begin working through some of the anger and getting to the pain, the “if only” statements start emerging. The “if only” statements revolve around what you believe you should have done, or not done, so that the loss would not have happened. Guilt is often the most powerful feeling in this stage of grief. You think of all of the ways you could have done things differently and how that could have changed the outcome. Bargaining with a higher power to give up a vice or something cherished in exchange for the outcome being changed or the pain ending, is part of the grieving process. Bargaining helps you feel as though you have some control over the intense feelings of vulnerability, and that you are not completely helpless.
Depression
Depression in grief can feel like an unrelenting, overwhelming sadness that consumes your very being. The intense pain can be hard to manage and tears may come easily and often. You might withdraw from friends and family and feel very alone in your pain. It is normal to feel sad and empty when you suffer a loss. Life without your loved one, or in a different situation can feel meaningless. Although dealing with the sadness and depression can be difficult, it is an expected part of the grieving process. When you lose someone or something that was so important to you, it would be unrealistic to think it wouldn’t affect you and that you wouldn’t be sad about it. Acknowledging the sadness and depression, writing about your feelings, joining a support group, and talking about your experience with others can help you reflect on your loss during this part of the grieving process.
Acceptance
Acceptance is about coming to terms with the fact that the loss occurred and that things will be different now. Eventually you notice that you are having more good days than bad days. You might begin to feel more hopeful about the future, even though it is different since your loss. It is not about forgetting the loss or denying that it happened, acceptance is about coming to terms with your new reality. Even though the bad days might still happen, you feel more certain that they won’t last forever and you will get through them.
If you are having difficulty navigating the grieving process, counseling can help. Whether you join a support group, attend individual counseling, or reach out to friends and family, it is important to seek help if you need it. Remember, grief is a process that takes time. It may not be easy, but acceptance can be reached. Not by forgetting your loss, but by acknowledging and honoring it.
A codependent relationship is often one-sided. This type of relationship requires you to give a lot, while you receive very little. There can be abuse or addiction in your relationship and codependency enables the negative behaviors to continue. This can create a lot of chaos and uncertainty which can lead to a constant state of anxiety. Learning some of the signs of codependency in relationships can help you avoid this pattern and experience a healthy, interdependent relationship instead.
What Is Codependency
Codependency is a type of insecure relationship style where one person does most of the giving and the other most of the taking. The partner that typically does most of the giving tends to have an anxious attachment style and defines themself by their relationship and their need to keep it going, no matter what. The partner that does most of the taking tends to have an avoidant attachment style and has great difficulty with meaningful emotional intimacy and tends to suffer from an addiction, or is emotionally immature.
In a healthy relationship, there is equal give and take and the needs of both partners are considered. A codependent relationship, on the other hand, has the giver focused on meeting the needs of the taker without consideration of their own needs being met. The giver sets up an environment where the taker can continue unhealthy behaviors. The giver also relies on the taker to help them feel needed. Codependent relationships can be exhausting for both partners and are difficult to maintain. Below are some warning signs that you might be in a codependent relationship.
1. You Lack Boundaries
Codependent relationships lack clear, consistent boundaries. You may have great difficulty defining where your partner ends and you begin. Although you may feel hurt and upset by your partner’s behavior, you allow it to continue. Instead of letting them know that their behavior is hurting you, there is often a desire to pretend that everything is fine. You might smile and laugh it off even though you are hurting on the inside.
2. You Make Excuses For Your Partner
If you are in a codependent relationship, you may find yourself making excuses for your partner’s behavior. For example, if your partner drinks too much at a party and becomes loud or rude, you might tell everyone that he has been overworked lately and that is why he drank too much. Allowing or enabling abusive or addictive behavior is another sign of being in a codependent relationship.
3. You Are A People Pleaser
You avoid showing your negative feelings and put on a happy face even when you are angry or upset. Conflict is something that you try to avoid at all costs. Therefore, you do things for your partner that they can do for themself even when you are sick or too busy. It is difficult for you to say no to your partner when you are in a codependent relationship. This is true even when it negatively affects your physical, or emotional well-being.
4. You Need Constant Reassurance
You need continuous reassurance of your partner’s feelings for you when you are in a codependent relationship. Perhaps you want your partner to constantly say they love you, or promise they will never leave you. You ignore their inappropriate actions and believe their contradictory words or empty promises of improvement. Insecurity about your relationship and your partner’s depth of feeling is common with codependency.
5. You Want To Fix Your Partner
Choosing partners that suffer from addictions, are abusive, or are emotionally unavailable is not uncommon with codependency. You may feel that your love can fix them and all of their problems. This includes trying to fix the environment by making sure the house is spotless, the kids are quiet, and all of their desires are fulfilled. The belief is that if everything is perfect then your partner will no longer need to continue the behaviors that you want them to fix.
6. You Feel Anxious About Your Relationship
When your relationship causes a great deal of anxiety, you should examine why this is. If you are afraid to share your true feelings, beliefs, and opinions with your partner and feel as though you are walking on eggshells around them, you could have a codependent relationship. Constantly worrying about someone else’s behavior or needs can be exhausting. If you notice that you feel nervous about your partner’s reactions or behavior and have difficulty relaxing around them, it could be a sign of codependency.
7. You Need To Feel Needed
The greatest need that you have in your relationship is to feel needed when copendency is a factor. Your focus is on your partner and what they need and how you can help them. By focusing on your partner, you don’t have to face your own feelings, needs, and insecurities. Your self-esteem is dependent on your ability to care for your partner. There is little equality in your relationship and your needs are rarely considered. You long for appreciation and validation for all that you do for your partner, even though you seldom receive it.
If you are in a codependent relationship, there are ways to change the unhealthy dynamic and create a more secure relationship. Couples therapy can help you learn to identify insecure attachment styles and can provide you with tools to make effective behavioral changes that will nurture a healthy relationship. It is possible to learn to create a more fulfilling, interdependent relationship where both partners needs are considered and there is more equal give and take.
Having a panic attack can be very scary. Even though most panic attacks go away within 20 to 30 minutes, it can feel like forever when it’s happening. The intense fear and physical symptoms that accompany a panic attack can keep you from enjoying your life. You might begin to avoid people, places, and activities that could trigger another attack. Although it is not always possible to immediately stop a panic attack, there are things that you can do to decrease both the symptoms and duration.
Symptoms Of A Panic Attack
Although the symptoms of a panic attack can vary, many people state that it feels like they are dying. During a panic attack, your emotional brain takes over and your fear response is in overdrive, even when there is no obvious danger. It is not uncommon for someone to visit the emergency room when they first experience a panic attack as they think they might be having a heart attack. At the start of a panic attack, a sense of impending doom can overcome you. It is difficult to think straight as your thoughts are often racing. You may feel detached from your body and experience an intense fear of losing control. Physical symptoms of a panic attack can include shortness of breath, pounding heart, nausea, hot or cold sensations, chest pain, numbness, feeling light headed, tingling sensations, and sweating or shaking. Even though a panic attack can be quite scary, there are some things you can do to help.
1. Have A Plan
If you need to be in a situation that you know has triggered a panic attack in the past, have a plan in place for how you can manage it. For instance, if being in a large crowd has caused a panic attack before, and you are attending a concert, put a plan in place. Familiarize yourself with the venue, know where the exits and the restrooms are. Decide what you will do if you feel like a panic attack is starting. Having a plan in place can help you feel more in control and allow you to continue doing the things that you enjoy.
2. Focus On Your Breathing
Focus on your breath and try to slow down your breathing. There are a number of different breathing techniques that you can use. Do what works for you. Diaphragmatic breathing, also known as belly breathing, has been shown to stimulate the vagus nerve and lower the fight, flight, or freeze response. Since hyperventilation, fast, shallow breathing where you exhale more than you inhale, is common during a panic attack, deep breathing can be very helpful. You can belly breathe by inhaling, focusing on your belly and puffing it out for 3, and exhaling for 7 drawing your belly in. Don’t worry if it takes awhile to get the hang of it. You can just focus on slowing down your breathing by taking a breath, holding it, and exhaling. Try to make the exhale longer than the inhale.
3. Repeat A Mantra
Acknowledging what is happening to you and reminding yourself that you are safe can be reassuring when you are experiencing a panic attack. Although you may intuitively know that you are safe and not in any real danger, your body and mind are on high alert. Repeating a mantra that you are comfortable with can help you begin to relax. Your mantra should acknowledge how you are currently feeling and also state how you would rather feel. Something like, even though I’m feeling scared and anxious, I know I am safe and that I can calm down. Reminding yourself that you have had this experience before and that you have been able to get through it can help you remember how strong and capable you are.
4. Reach Out To Someone
Have someone that you can reach out to when you are having a panic attack. Make sure this person is someone who helps you calm down. This can be a friend, your spouse, or your therapist, someone that you know and trust. You can let this person know what kind of support you need during a panic attack. For example, if you are in a crowded place and you experience a panic attack, you can have your friend calmly but firmly lead you to a quiet spot until it passes. When you are alone, having someone that you can call that can help remind you to slow your breathing and reassure you that you are safe can give you peace of mind.
5. Ground Yourself
Grounding yourself in the moment can help you feel more centered and focused on what is going on around you, rather than what is going on inside you. You can name the things around you that engage your senses. Five things you can see. Four things you can touch. Three things you can hear. Two things you can smell. One thing you can taste. Overstimulation can be a problem during a panic attack. Having a focus item that you can concentrate on can help keep you from feeling overwhelmed. Your focus item should be small enough to easily carry and should be visually pleasing with calming scents and interesting textures. A colorful shell or rock, a small scented candle or essential oil, or a childhood toy or blanket are examples of a focus item.
6. Write It Down
You can write down what you are feeling, what you are noticing, or just freely write whatever comes to mind. It doesn’t really matter what you write. The important thing is that you are focused on forming letters. Although writing down your thoughts can be very beneficial for recognizing distorted thinking patterns, the act of writing can help decrease the intensity of a panic attack. Writing helps engage the left side of the brain which can bring logic into play. During a panic attack, the right side of the brain and the emotions are very activated. Forming letters and words engages the left side of your brain and activates logical and analytical thinking. Carrying a small notebook that you can use for writing down your thoughts can help you engage both sides of your brain which can decrease feelings of panic.
Even though experiencing a panic attack can be disconcerting, taking the above steps can minimize the negative effects. If panic attacks increase or interfere with your ability to function, you may want to seek professional help. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you recognize and alter distorted thought and behavior patterns that might cause or prolong feelings of panic. Taking the above steps and finding what works to decrease the severity of your panic attacks can help you live a more fulfilling life.
Effective boundaries keep your relationship strong and healthy. Boundaries refer to limits that you put in place to protect your well-being. When boundaries are clearly communicated, along with the consequences for breaking them, your partner understands your expectations. In an earlier post I discussed ways to establish healthy boundaries in your relationship. This post identifies some types of boundaries to consider in your couple relationship to keep it running smoothly.
In order to establish effective personal boundaries, you have to know yourself, communicate your boundaries to others, and follow through with the consequences. Boundaries are for you and about you. They are about respecting your needs in your relationship. When you are uncomfortable about something in your relationship, but don’t speak up and share it with your partner, resentment can build. Below are some relationship boundaries to consider to help keep your relationship strong.
1. Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries refer to your body, privacy, and personal space. You might enjoy public displays of affection, or be uncomfortable with it. If your partner kisses you in public and you are uncomfortable with it, you need to let them know. Sharing your preferences and expectations might feel difficult, but not sharing them can make you feel disrespected. It might be easy to establish a boundary around your partner not slapping you. Perhaps the boundary and consequence is quick to define in this case. If you slap me, I will leave. However, in other areas it could be trickier.
Sharing your personal boundaries can improve your relationship. Know what you are and are not comfortable with and share this with your partner. If you need time to decompress after work before socializing with others, set a boundary around this. Doing this will keep you from feeling drained as it will allow you to honor your needs. You could say something like, I need 15 minutes to relax after work before we invite the neighbors over. If you invite them over before I’ve relaxed, I’m going to go relax in private and you will need to entertain them until I come down.
2. Emotional Boundaries
In order to establish emotional boundaries, you need to be in touch with your feelings. Healthy emotional boundaries require you to know where you end and your partner begins. If your partner is upset and you notice yourself sharing this feeling, a boundary might be needed. Notice when you feel guilty, ashamed, upset, and undervalued. Boundaries might be needed when you notice these feelings coming up around certain issues or situations.
If you are upset and your partner tries to fix it, you could feel as if your partner isn’t hearing you. Your partner might be trying to help you, but it just leaves you feeling more upset. This is a place where a boundary might be helpful. You could say, when I’m upset, I would like you to listen to me without trying to fix it. I just need to vent sometimes. When you try and fix things, I don’t feel heard. If I want your advice, I will let you know.
3. Sexual Boundaries
Sexual boundaries refer to your expectations around physical intimacy. What is and isn’t okay with you sexually. Boundaries around frequency, sexual comments, unwanted sexual touch, expectations around others involvement in your sex life, and what sexual acts are preferred and off limits should be discussed. Healthy sexual boundaries include mutual agreement, mutual consent, and an understanding of each other’s sexual limits and desires.
If you were sexually abused in the past and you are triggered during certain positions, a sexual boundary is needed. You might want to avoid sexual contact with your partner if you are reminded of a traumatizing experience. Establishing a boundary around what is comfortable for you can keep your sex life heallthy and happy. You could say, I have a hard time enjoying a certain sexual position because it reminds me of a difficult experience. In order for me to enjoy sex, I need to avoid that position. I will let you know if I become bothered so we can switch positions.
4. Intellectual Boundaries
Intellectual boundaries encompass ideas and beliefs. Boundaries around showing respect for different views and ideas can keep your feelings from being hurt. Talking down to someone or treating them as though they are not smart enough to understand what you are trying to say can damage your emotional intimacy. If you feel as though you can’t discuss certain topics with your partner because you believe they don’t respect your opinion, or put you down, a boundary might be needed.
When you are afraid to share your views or opinions because of your partner’s responses, you could feel hurt or upset. If your partner calls you names when you have a different opinion or political view, you could feel as though they don’t value your thoughts or beliefs. A boundary around this can allow you to share your opinions honestly. You could say, It hurts me when we disagree politically and you tell me my opinion is wrong. It makes me feel like you don’t respect my views. If you say that my opinion is wrong, I will remind you not to and end the discussion if you continue to say it.
5. Financial Boundaries
Financial boundaries are all about money. Boundaries around joint versus separate accounts, how much goes into savings, what purchases you want to make, and how much discretionary funds you will each have, can keep you both on the same page where your finances are concerned. Having different rules and agendas related to where and how you spend your money can cause a great deal of strain on your relationship. If you feel as though you are often fighting about money, boundaries are probably needed.
Discussions about your financial goals upfront, can keep finances from becoming a point of contention. If you agree to put money into a separate fund to pay for a vacation and you feel your partner isn’t contributing, this could upset you. Having a boundary around this can be helpful. You might say, I want to go on a nice vacation with you, but we both need to contribute to the vacation fund for that to happen. If you tell me when you contribute to the fund and how much you are putting in, I will match it.
Boundaries help your relationship function effectively. When you notice that you are feeling disrespected, taken advantage of, or hurt, you might want to consider how putting a boundary in place could improve this. Knowing and respecting your personal limits and needs can improve your couple relationship and keep it healthy and strong.
