If your mind is constantly replaying what happened in the past, or what might happen in the future, you may miss things that are going on around you now. It could be hard for you to pay attention during a conversation when you are distracted by your own thoughts. Maybe you’ve been accused of not listening or not paying attention at times. If so, you might benefit from practicing mindfulness.
Mindfulness is one of the easiest concepts to explain, and one of the hardest to practice. Mindfulness refers to being fully present in the moment. This includes noticing your thoughts and feelings without judging them. When you are mindful, your awareness is completely focused on what is happening as it is happening. Being fully present and experiencing what is occurring without judgment is good for your mental health as well. It helps increase your ability to regulate your emotions and calms anxiety and depression. The more you practice mindfulness, the easier it becomes, and the more you will notice the benefits.
Why Mindfulness Is Needed
In your everyday life, there is a lot of stimuli that you are constantly exposed to. Between cell phones, work, computers, Netflix, social activities, relationships, and the fear of missing out, multitasking almost seems like a necessity. It can be difficult to stay focused in the moment when there is so much going on. When you focus on many things at once, it can seem as if there is too much to do. You may feel overwhelmed as there appears to be no end in sight.
Your thoughts are also something that takes your attention away from what is happening in the moment. When you engage in past oriented or future oriented thinking, your thoughts become distracting and even overwhelming at times. The amygdala, the emotional processing center of the brain, and the fight, flight, or freeze response is sent into overdrive when you fixate on negative or worrisome thoughts.
Practicing mindfulness teaches you to notice your thoughts and allow them to be and then move on without the need to ruminate on them. The more you are mindful, the less outside distractions and thoughts interfere with your ability to be present and engaged in your life. Mindfulness allows you to notice the situation or thoughts that are occurring without absorbing them. This provides an opportunity to pause before reacting which can improve your general well-being and relationships. Although mindfulness can be tough to master, there are some simple ways that you can make it a part of your everyday routine.
1. Notice Your Breath
Breathing is something that you generally due mindlessly. When you think about it though, your breath can let you know quite a lot about what is going on. When you are exercising, you probably breathe harder. If you are anxious, you probably breathe faster. When you are relaxed, your breath is most likely more even and less noticeable. To breathe mindfully, notice your breath, practice breathing slower and deeper and pay attention to the sensations in your body and how you are feeling. Breathe in through your nose for a count of three and out through your mouth for a count of seven. Focus your breath in your belly instead of your chest and notice the difference. Allow your thoughts to clear as you breathe in and out.
2. Meditate
Take time out each day to meditate. Meditation helps you become better at being mindful as it allows you to practice being focused without allowing your thoughts and judgment to take over. Meditation helps you to focus on the stillness and your breath as you allow your thoughts to come and go without judgment. There are a number of meditation apps available, such as calm and insight timer. Simply being is a meditation app you can do in as little as five minutes. Meditation has been shown to improve mood, energy, and general well-being.
3. Engage Your Senses
Engaging your senses during everyday tasks helps you to focus mindfully on what you are doing. For instance, when you do the dishes, notice the temperature of the water, the way the soap smells, the sound as you rinse, and the way the clean dish feels. When you are eating, notice the way the food smells. Focus on the taste and texture, the sound you make as you chew and the way it looks on your plate. Doing this helps you stay more present in the moment as that is where your attention is.
4. Learn Something New
It is easy for your mind to wander when you are engaged in routine tasks. Doing something new requires you to focus. When you are mindful, it is easier to learn a new skill. Creating something requires focus and mindfulness. When you travel somewhere new, you need to pay attention to all of the things going on around you. Driving to work a different way, learning a new language or skill, traveling, and being creative are good ways to practice mindfulness.
5. Listen Actively
You can’t focus on what someone is saying to you if you are distracted by your own thoughts or your attention is elsewhere. When you do really focus on what someone is saying, it helps them feel valued, heard, and understood. If you are actively listening, you are fully present and hearing and absorbing what the other person is saying to you. This requires you to listen without judgment and without attempting to formulate a response. When you actively listen, your attention is on the other person and you are able to paraphrase what they are saying.
6. Be An Observer Of Your Thoughts
When you are distracted by your thoughts, you are not being mindful. Being mindful requires you to notice your thoughts without becoming attached to them. You can observe your thoughts as separate from you, as if you are on the outside looking in. Your thoughts come and go and can change. It is helpful to notice them without judging them or fixating on them. When you observe your thoughts without judgment, and see them as separate from you, it is harder to allow them to distract you.
The more you practice being mindful, the easier it becomes to be fully present in what you are doing and experiencing in the moment. Symptoms of anxiety and depression improve and internal and external distractions become less problematic when engaging in mindfulness. When you learn how to be fully present in each moment, you can improve your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
Clear boundaries are important for healthy, well-functioning relationships. Boundaries are limits you establish in order to protect your own physical and emotional safety and well-being. They are guidelines based on expectations of how you expect to be treated. Effective boundaries include consequences if your limits are crossed.
For instance, a fence around your yard is a boundary. There is no problem letting a new puppy out in a yard with a fence. This is because the fence provides a safe barrier for the puppy. If the fence isn’t there, the puppy might get hurt or lost as the boundary and the safe limits are not clear.
Emotional boundaries in personal relationships are just as important as physical boundaries. However, they can be more difficult to define. Continuously doing for others without regard for your wants, needs, and desires, can cause problems and suffering for you. For a boundary to be effective, you have to know why it’s important to you. You should also know how to share it, and the consequences that will occur if it is broken. Below are some steps you can take to establish clear boundaries in your relationships.
Know What Boundaries Are For
Boundaries are for you, not for others. When there are clear boundaries in place, relationships are smoother. If boundaries are not clear, disappointment can occur and resentment can build. You can’t change others, but you can always change how you engage with them.
Think of it as an “if this then that” situation. A boundary around your sleep schedule can include not taking calls after 10. You can tell your friends that if they call you after 10, then you will not answer. Knowing this, your friends are able to make an active choice. If they want to speak with you, they will need to make sure they call you before 10. Having this boundary helps you get the rest that you need in order to function effectively during the day.
Know Yourself
Knowing yourself is an important part of establishing personal boundaries. Define what your values are. Know what is important to you. Consider your needs. Determine your deal breakers. Figure out what consequences you are able to follow through with. Boundaries are about respecting yourself enough to know your needs and your limits. If something drains you emotionally or physically, creates uneasiness or upset, or requires you to compromise your personal values, A boundary is needed.
Let Others Know Your Boundaries
Once you have established a boundary, you need to let others know. If others are aware of your boundaries and what will happen if they don’t abide by them, they can make an informed choice on how they behave. When you don’t tell others about your boundary and the consequences for not abiding by it, you don’t give them the opportunity to make an active choice.
For instance, if you decide to establish a boundary around your spouse calling you names when you argue, and you decide to walk away if it continues after a warning, you need to tell your spouse you are doing this. If you don’t tell them about this boundary, and instead just walk away, your spouse may be confused and follow you, Instead of giving you space. It is important to clearly state what your boundary is, why it is important to you, and what you will do if it isn’t respected. When your expectations and the consequences are known, others can make an active choice on how they behave.
Follow Through With The Consequences
Establish consequences for breaking your boundaries. The consequences should be as natural as possible and fit with what you are trying to accomplish. Deciding not to answer the phone if you are called after a set time is more natural than never talking to the person again.
Make sure you are willing and able to follow through with the consequences. If you don’t follow through with the consequences, this sends a message that it’s okay not to respect your boundary. If your child keeps forgetting their homework and asks you to bring it to school, you might set a boundary around this. However, if you know that you will bring it to him if he asks, so he keeps his grades up, you need to have a consequence you can follow. You can tell him that if he forgets his homework and needs you to bring it, you will charge him $5. This consequence requires your son to compensate you for your time if he wants you to bring him his homework, and might be easier for you to follow through with.
Stay The Course
Putting boundaries in place where there weren’t any can be difficult at times. People might say that you’ve changed. They may not believe that your boundaries apply to them and they might challenge you. You could feel guilty about saying no to something that drains your energy, but that you always said yes to before. Although establishing boundaries can be uncomfortable initially, over time the benefits will far outweigh the discomfort. The more comfortable you are with yourself and honoring your needs, the easier it will be to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in all of your relationships.
Clear, boundaries are important to your couple relationship, your family, your friendships, and all of your relationships. Boundaries are about self-respect and knowing your limits. Healthy boundaries help you feel loved, valued, and respected and are a key component of strong and happy relationships.
When you think of someone who is experiencing depression, you might think of someone who is visibly sad and cries often, can’t hold a job, or stays in bed all day. Although some people with depression do experience these symptoms, there are other ways that depression can manifest. Someone with high-functioning depression can appear to have everything together on the outside, while they struggle internally with challenging symptoms that can greatly diminish their overall quality of life.
While high-functioning depression is not listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (DSM-5) as a separate disorder, it is described by Persistent Depressive Disorder (PDD), or Dysthmia. PDD is a long-lasting, less severe form of depression that includes feelings of depression most days, for most of the day and has lasted over a period of at least 2 years. Other symptoms include:
Lack of Energy and Fatigue
Insomnia or Oversleeping
Low Self-Esteem
Overeating or Decreased Appetite
Feeling Sad and Hopeless
Difficulty Concentrating and Making Decisions
Social Isolation
Irritability or Anger
Feelings of Guilt
Because those who experience high-functioning depression are able to function normally, it can be difficult to recognize. Someone experiencing high-functioning depression might not get help as family and friends may not really see their suffering and doubt the seriousness of it. The person may believe that with enough willpower they can fix themselves. This belief can lead to worsening symptoms if they don’t seek proper care. Left untreated, high-functioning depression can develop into more challenging mental health issues. Below are some signs that you might be experiencing high-functioning depression.
1. You Are A High Achiever
If you experience high-functioning depression you can be quite successful in your career. You might even have more than one job, excel at your hobbies, and maintain good grades and relationships. However, you may be a perfectionist who feels the need to constantly achieve. You could be very hard on yourself if you fall short of your own expectations.
2. You Are Self-Critical
Your thought process tends to be quite negative when you have high-functioning depression. The internal dialogue you use is highly critical and you have a tendency to focus on everything that is wrong. You’re fixated on the ways you are not measuring up and your shortcomings. The self-critique leads to crippling self-doubt as to what you are doing with your life and if it will ever be good enough.
3. Irritability Can Be An Issue
Your reactions might be over the top. A seemingly small issue can feel like a very big problem. You might become upset about a small thing and have difficulty letting it go. Although you might be able to seem controlled most of the time, you could snap unexpectedly. Things that never bothered you before can easily annoy you when you are experiencing high-functioning depression.
4. You Experience Feelings Of Guilt And Worry
Quite often, feelings of guilt and worry can lead to anxiety and panic attacks. The constant worry that you experience is perpetuated by your strong feelings of inadequacy. You may worry about saving enough money, reaching your goals, or living the life you want. Guilty feelings about past decisions can weigh heavily on your mind. This is especially true of past failures in achievement, when you didn’t meet your very high expectations.
5. It’s Difficult To Slow Down
When you are experiencing high-functioning depression, you can have difficulty resting or slowing down. After working all day, you might come home and clean the house all night, exercise excessively, or work another job. Resting when you are not thoroughly exhausted can bring up a lot of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that you would rather avoid.
6. You Feel Exhausted
Dealing with high-functioning depression can be physically and mentally exhausting. Sleep patterns can be interrupted which can include periods of insomnia and oversleeping. Overall energy can be greatly diminished and getting through the day can require a great deal of effort. The energy required to complete tasks and deal with negative thought patterns can be depleting. Putting on a happy face when you are feeling low can also be tiring.
7. It’s Difficult To Feel Joy
When you are dealing with high-functioning depression, you can feel a sense of hopelessness and have difficulty experiencing joy. Things that you used to enjoy no longer bring you the same sense of pleasure. You may believe that it will be impossible for you to be happy. Maybe you avoid social activities as they feel like a burden and require too much effort. Perhaps you isolate yourself and feel quite lonely. You may even turn to drugs or alcohol to cope with your symptoms.
Anyone who is suffering deserves appropriate care. There are effective treatment methods that can benefit you if you are experiencing high-functioning depression. Psychotherapy and medication, or a combination of the two, can be useful in treating all types of depression. When you receive effective treatment, your outlook and quality of life can drastically improve.
When your spouse has a mental illness, it has an impact on you as well. You might need to take on additional responsibilities and could feel overwhelmed. Managing the mental illness can feel like it has become the purpose of your relationship. You could feel very alone in your own feelings and needs as you adjust to your partner and their needs related to their illness. Though it may be challenging, there are things you can do to manage your own well-being and maintain a healthy relationship, when your spouse has a mental illness,
1. Practice Good Self Care
Self-care is always a good investment and it can be even more important when your spouse is dealing with a mental illness. The more you care for yourself, the more energy you will have to care for others and to pick up the extra slack that your partner may need help with at this time. Self-care is not selfish, it is a critical component of managing an illness. Get plenty of rest, exercise, eat well, enjoy time with family and friends, and engage in activities that help you relax and bring you joy.
2. Educate Yourself
Read up on the mental illness that your spouse is suffering from. Educating yourself about their mental illness can help you understand some of the things that your spouse may be experiencing that they are unable to articulate. Learning more about the illness helps you separate the person from the experience of the mental health problem. Reading literature, visiting websites, and getting information from qualified professionals can help you learn about the symptoms and treatment options. It is also easier to be supportive and understanding with your spouse when you have more knowledge about what they are going through.
3. Get Support
Dealing with a spouse’s mental illness can be challenging. It can require a lot of emotional energy that can be quite taxing. Reaching out to friends and family members for help can alleviate some of the additional tasks and added strain that you might be experiencing. Having others that you can talk to and rely on can help you manage your own self-care so you don’t experience burnout.
4. Maintain Clear Boundaries
It is important to maintain clear and appropriate boundaries. If your spouse is treating you poorly or expecting more than you are able to give, for the sake of your own well-being and the health of your relationship, you need to gently let them know that this is not okay. They are entitled to their feelings. However, it is not appropriate for them to take their negative emotions out on you.
Also, you are not your spouse’s therapist. While you don’t want to enable your partner’s mental health condition, it is not your job to try and fix it either, even if you are a mental health professional. Acting as your partner’s therapist can damage your couple relationship. Taking steps to manage their mental illness, such as taking their medication and attending therapy, is something you can require your spouse to do. Having clear boundaries will help you maintain a healthy, respectful marriage.
5. Listen
Encourage your spouse to talk to you about what they are experiencing and what they might need from you at this time. Try to engage in empathic listening. This requires you to listen to your spouse’s feelings without judging them or trying to fix them. The more you are able to listen to your partner with empathy, the easier it will be for them to open up to you and share. This will help you feel closer to them, even if you don’t fully understand what they are experiencing.
6. Be Supportive
Be there for your spouse and help them as much as you are able. Know and accept their limitations. Let them know that you value, love, and respect them. They may feel overwhelmed and have trouble knowing what they should do. You can offer to help them seek out professionals, accompany them to their appointments, and take on some of their household chores. Being supportive can also include encouraging them to take on more responsibilities when they are ready.
7. Try Not To Take It Personally
When someone is experiencing a mental illness, they can have difficulty regulating their emotions. They may respond to you with anger, indifference, or by pushing you away. Don’t let their emotions and behavior dictate yours. Remember that this could be a manifestation of their illness and try not to take it personally. While you shouldn’t put up with abusive behavior, learning to let some things go can be helpful to your own mental well-being as well as your relationship with your spouse.
8. Be Gentle With Your Emotions
Guilt, shame, and fear are common feelings that come up when someone you care about has a mental illness. It is okay to have your own emotions and feelings about the extra work you have to take on and the lack of support you are receiving from your spouse. This is true even if your feelings and emotions are negative.
Your spouse has an illness, and it is not your fault. Even if you weren’t getting along before the illness, there is nothing that you could have said or done to cause it. It is normal to have uncomfortable feelings about this, including worry, fear, and sadness. Be gentle and accepting of your own feelings about this experience.
9. Seek Professional Help
Professional counseling can be an invaluable resource for you, your spouse, and your couple relationship. Individual counseling can give you some tools to help you cope effectively with your experience of your spouse’s mental illness. Therapy can provide support and a safe place to explore your feelings. Couples counseling can help strengthen your bond and communication skills. Working on maintaining a strong couple connection will allow you to navigate this challenge as a united front.
You can maintain your own emotional health and continue to have a strong marriage when your spouse has a mental illness. Engaging in self-care practices and creating a strong support system can help you effectively manage the added challenges you might encounter at this time. With some work, the new reality of your relationship can be both happy and healthy.
Experiencing a traumatic event, or multiple traumatic events can impact your sense of security and safety in the world. You may begin to view your environment and others as dangerous and scary. Sometimes the resulting symptoms can be debilitating and long lasting. However, with proper help, you can process the trauma and return to a state of emotional well-being.
What Is A Traumatic Event
A trauma refers to an emotional or psychological response to an experience that is deeply disturbing and overwhelms your ability to cope. There is usually a perceived threat to self or someone you care about. This is often a one time event, such as a natural disaster, a bad accident, or being a victim of a violent crime. Even witnessing or repeatedly hearing about someone else’s traumatic experience can cause trauma.
Complex Trauma
Complex trauma refers to repeated trauma over time that is interpersonal in nature where there is little hope for escape. This can include kidnap victims, prisoners of war, and human trafficking victims. It also includes children who experienced physical, emotional, or sexual abuse or extreme neglect from their parent or other caregiver.
What’s The Difference
Experiencing a traumatic event can be difficult to process. Any trauma can lead to Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) symptoms that can interfere with daily functioning. When you experience repeated trauma, you are unable to heal from a traumatic event before being it happens again. With complex trauma, you often depend on your abuser in some way. Complex trauma can include PTSD symptoms as well as additional symptoms that can drastically interfere with your ability to form meaningful relationships and to function effectively.
PTSD
Feelings of fight, flight, or freeze come up when you experience a traumatic event. When these feelings do not resolve on their own and continue at a high level of intensity, PTSD can develop. Symptoms including hypervigilance, nightmares, flashbacks, avoidance, heightened startle reaction, intrusive thoughts, and angry outbursts can occur. These symptoms can lead to isolation and loneliness that can cause difficulty in daily functioning. Intense and disturbing thoughts and feelings related to a traumatic event that continue longer than one month can lead to a diagnosis of PTSD.
If you are involved in a bad car accident, you might experience nightmares and flashbacks related to the accident that continue after several months. You might avoid the street where the accident occurred. Extreme anxiety can occur at the thought of being in a car. When you have to ride in a car, even though intellectually you know you are okay and the accident is over, you may feel as though you are not safe and react as if the accident is about to happen again at any moment.
Complex PTSD
Complex PTSD can include all of the symptoms of PTSD plus some other symptoms related to experiencing complex trauma. These additional symptoms include difficulty regulating emotions, a negative self view, and difficulty with relationships. Preoccupation with the abuser, which may include thoughts of revenge, can occur. Dissociation, disconnecting from memories, thoughts, feelings, or actions, and amnesia related to the trauma can also be experienced. Those with complex trauma can receive a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). However, someone with BPD often has volatile relationships and an inconsistent self-concept. Someone who experiences complex PTSD often has a consistently negative self view. They see themselves as being different from others. This can cause a great deal of shame. They may even blame themselves for the abuse. Because of this, they tend to avoid relationships.
If you were beaten by your father daily, you might experience flashbacks and other PTSD symptoms as an adult. You might have dissociated as a way to disconnect from the abuse. This dissociation can continue as an adult when something reminds you of the abuse. Relationships may trigger memories of the way you were treated and you might even distrust and avoid men. You could feel a great deal of shame and be preoccupied with getting revenge against your father. Anger and mood swings can make relationships and employment difficult to maintain.
What Helps
There are some evidence based therapeutic approaches that can help decrease the symptoms of both PTSD and Complex PTSD. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and specifically, Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TFCBT) has been shown to be effective. TFCBT is a type of exposure therapy that focuses on providing coping skills, psychoeducation, and gradual exposure to the trauma. This occurs by creating a trauma narrative and talking through the traumatic experience and identifying and replacing negative thought patterns.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a therapeutic approach using bilateral stimulation to help you reprocess a negative event. This is a short term, client lead therapeutic approach. It allows for the reprocessing of traumatic experiences without a lengthy discussion of the details of the trauma. Instead, the focus is on what you experience when thinking about the trauma, paying attention to images, thoughts, feelings, and body sensations. Although EMDR can bring relief from a single trauma within six sessions, complex trauma will likely require more sessions.
If you are experiencing symptoms of PTSD or Complex PTSD, you can find relief. A trauma informed therapist can help determine the therapeutic approach that will be most beneficial for easing your symptoms. It may take time, but you can heal and live a fulfilling life defined by what you want it to be, not by past trauma.
