Deciding how to tell your children you are getting a divorce can be quite challenging. It is a difficult and often emotional conversation that many parents don’t know how to have. While it can be difficult to discuss your divorce with your children, you know it’s something that you have to do. Having a plan in place can help ease the stress for you and your children when breaking the news of divorce.
Talk To Your Children Before Moving Out
Whenever possible, it is best to have the divorce talk with your children before physically separating. This will give children a chance to digest the information before the change actually occurs. Talking to them before the physical separation allows children to ask questions to both parents as they arise.
Decide Together What You Want To Say
Even if you are not getting along with each other, you both still want what’s best for your children. Coming up with a reason why you are divorcing that you can both agree on, without laying blame, will be beneficial to your children. When your children witness you discussing this change without arguing or blaming each other, it should be easier for them to ask questions. It should also be easier for them to discuss their feelings with you openly, without feeling as though they have to choose sides.
Tell Them Together
When you present a united front by telling them together, it lets them know that you are both still their parents and still in charge. It is important to set aside your differences when talking to your children by remembering that this is about your children and their well-being and not about what happened between the two of you. Children generally feel more secure when they know their parents will be able to work together even though they will no longer be living together.
Address the Entire Family
You might think that it is best to tell your older child first since they will most likely understand what is going on. However, this can put your child in an awkward position. They may want to share the news with their siblings, or shield them from it. When you address the entire family together, it enables you to make sure that your children are hearing the news from you. Telling them together also establishes an environment where they can support each other.
Be Simple and Clear
While it is not helpful for your children to learn all of the details that led to your decision to divorce, it is important that you tell them how the divorce will impact them. You should explain the situation in simple words that your children will understand. Children are naturally egocentric and will want to know what will and will not change in their lives. This is something you should discuss beforehand so you can tell your children the specifics of what they can expect.
Answer Their Questions
Answer your children’s questions as clearly and honestly as you can. Reassure your children that the divorce isn’t their fault and that you both love them very much. Let them know that this isn’t a one time conversation and that you are both available if they need to talk or if they have more questions. If your children have questions that you have not yet discussed with each other, let them know that you will answer them as soon as you have discussed it.
Accept Their Emotions
Your children’s reactions to the news that you are getting a divorce will likely vary. Some children react with tears and sadness, while others react with anger. It is also common for children not to react, and to respond as if nothing is changing. No matter how they react, your children need time to process what was said as well as the changes that will take place. Reassure them that it is normal and okay to have all kinds of feelings about the divorce. You know your child best so be sure to respond in a way that is comforting and supportive.
What You Might Say
You might say something like this:
Your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided to get a divorce. This means that we will not be living together anymore. This is something that is between the two of us, and there is nothing that you did or could have ever done to cause this. I will be living in an apartment down the road and Dad will remain in the house. Mom will still take you to school and pick you up every day. You will stay here with me during the week and will stay with your mom at her apartment on the weekends. You will have your own room in my new apartment and will still have your room at the house when you are with Dad. We both love you very much and will always be your parents and that will never change.
Talking to your children about the divorce should be an ongoing discussion. When you first tell them, keep it short, be clear, and let them know exactly what will and will not change for them. Accept their feelings, answer their questions, and reassure them that you love them and that you both will always be there for them.
Constant verbal abuse is difficult to deal with. It is distressing and chips away at your self-esteem as you start to buy into the negative things that you hear. When someone is continuously putting you down, calling you names, and pointing out everything you do wrong, symptoms of anxiety and depression can increase. It is normal to want to avoid this person. However, when the negative talk is coming from within, it can be even harder to deal with. While you can’t avoid yourself, you can take steps to decrease negative self-talk and stop bullying yourself.
Recognize Negative Self Talk
Recognizing the negative things that you are saying to yourself is the first step. While it is normal and even helpful to engage in some self-criticism, it is not beneficial to only be critical. Notice when the things you are saying to yourself are mainly negative and whether or not this is motivating you to make effective changes. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.
I recently started my private practice and quickly realized that my marketing skills are lacking. My negative self-talk about this was helpful at first, it motivated me to do research and learn new skills. However, my once motivating negative self-talk started turning into self-bullying. My self-bullying was not motivating me to make effective changes, in fact, it was keeping me stagnant.
Name the Bully
Once you recognize that the negative self-talk has turned into unmotivating bullying, you should separate yourself from the bully. Maybe you got a B instead of an A on an assignment and the bully starts telling you that you’re stupid. Naming the bully helps separate the negative things you are saying to yourself from who you are at your core.
My bully, Miss Perfect, is extremely critical. She is an expert at catastrophizing, turning small negative events into the imagined worst possible outcome. Such as, if you don’t fully understand this simple marketing term, your business is going to fail because you’re useless. Externalizing this negative self-talk keeps me from internalizing it as an absolute truth.
Be Gentle and Kind
Be gentle with yourself and speak to yourself with kindness. Your bully may be trying to be helpful, but they are not going about it in the most beneficial way. It may feel false to speak kindly to yourself when you are used to criticizing yourself. A good way to practice this is to talk to yourself the way you would talk to a young child that you care about, or the way your best friend speaks to you. If you would not allow a stranger on the street to say these things to you, don’t say it to yourself.
I am telling myself that I am useless. This is not a kind way to speak to myself and I certainly would not accept that from a stranger. It is possible for me to be more compassionate with myself, and more gentle. I can use words that are more caring and understanding, and more accurate. It is better to speak to myself with compassion which can help me feel more hopeful and more motivated. I can recognize that I have positive qualities as well, and I don’t have to dwell on the negative.
Acknowledge Your Feelings
It is okay to be sad, it is okay to be angry, it is okay to feel anyway you need to feel. It is very difficult to control things at the feeling level. Where you have control, what you can alter, are your responses and reactions. You don’t need to judge your feelings, you simply need to acknowledge what you are feeling in a gentle way. Acknowledging your feelings as valid without judgment, allows them to be something you are experiencing instead of something that defines you.
Underneath what the bully is saying is the feeling of fear. Avoiding this emotion is not helpful to me. I need to acknowledge the fear in a gentle nonjudgmental way. Stating out loud that I am feeling afraid makes me feel a little better. It helps me to view fear as a normal emotion that anyone might experience when trying to understand something that they are completely unfamiliar with. If I were to speak to myself as if I were a young child, I would say that it makes sense that you are afraid and it’s okay to feel that way.
Define the Things You Say
You might engage in black and white thinking when the bully takes over. This refers to evaluating your personal characteristics as either all good, or most commonly, all bad. However, this type of thinking sets up exaggerated expectations that can lead to chronic disappointment. If you lose your job, the bully might say you are worthless. Before you can determine the accuracy of this statement, you have to define what worthless means as well as what makes someone worthy. When making a value judgment about what makes someone worthy, if an infant doesn’t fit the definition, you’re definition is wrong.
Miss perfect says that if I don’t fully understand a marketing term, I’m useless. I need to determine what useless and useful mean before I can judge the accuracy of what the bully is saying. When I define what it means to be useless as having no value, I can see if that fits for me. Useful, on the other hand, can be defined as having value.
Check for Accuracy
With a clear definition, you can check for accuracy. If you define being worthy so that an infant fits the definition, it can’t simply be about doing enough or achieving a certain status. You might decide that existing makes someone worthy. This means that the only way you can define yourself as worthless is if you don’t exist. When checking for accuracy, you need to see if you fit the definition. If you exist, you meet the definition of being worthy. You do not meet the definition of being worthless, so saying this to yourself is inaccurate.
With my situation, it is inaccurate for me to say to myself that I am useless. I determined the definition of being useless to mean having no value. And since determining value, like determining worth is a subjective judgment, my definition has to work for an infant as well. Therefore, if I determine someone is useful because they exist, telling myself that I am useless is not accurate since I do not meet the definition.
Consider Other Things You Can Say to Yourself That Are Accurate and Kind
Considering things that are accurate and kind to say is an important step in changing the negative self-bullying. You need to consider if you are being gentle and more factual when changing the bullying self-talk. It helps to write down what the bully is saying and determine how you can change it in a way that is kind, acknowledges your feelings, and is more accurate.
Instead of saying that not understanding something means my business will fail because I am useless, I can change this into a more accurate statement. If I don’t understand a marketing term, it means I haven’t learned about it yet and I can find ways to learn about so my business succeeds. I can read articles that explain it, or reach out to others with more knowledge. Such as my neighbor who works in this field and is always willing to help, or my website designer, Daniel Fava at http://www.createmytherapistwebsite.com who has a Facebook group to help therapists learn online marketing. My kinder, more accurate statement can be, if I don’t understand a marketing term, it makes sense that I might be afraid that this will have a negative impact on my business. However, I know what I can do to learn more about it to help my business succeed.
The more you practice, the easier it gets. Things that you say to yourself are very powerful. It’s likely that you will live up to the things you tell yourself and what you believe about yourself. The good news is you have control over how you talk to yourself and what you say. You get to decide if you are going to bully yourself or speak to yourself in a kind and gentle way that acknowledges your feelings and is more accurate.
Why do you communicate? Generally, it’s so you can feel heard and understood. In relationships, communicating effectively helps you strengthen your bond and deepen your intimacy. Using effective communication skills can create healthy habits and a stronger connection. Below are 10 tips to help you communicate effectively and grow closer as a couple.
1. Stay Present in the Moment
When you are fully present when your partner is speaking, it helps them feel valued. To do this, you want to make sure that you look your partner in the eye, and that you are not distracted by your phone, the television, or your own thoughts. Bringing up past issues and resentments should also be avoided. Doing this takes the focus off of your partner, and can lead to rehashing old arguments and conflict. Staying present in the moment, helps you communicate effectively by keeping the focus on your partner and what they are trying to share.
2. Listen Actively
Active listening requires you to pay attention to what your partner is saying. This means focusing on the content, tone, and meaning of what your partner is trying to convey. When you actively listen, you gain a clearer understanding of your partner’s perspective which allows you to respond in a meaningful way and helps your partner feel like you get them.
3. Don’t Interrupt
Although this should go without saying, since it is rude to interrupt and doing so will probably lead to an argument. When you are not actively listening, you might instead be formulating what you are going to say next. You might then blurt it out before your partner is finished speaking. Most likely, your partner won’t appreciate this very much. If you are not sure if your partner is done talking, it’s a much better idea to ask than assume.
4. Repeat Back What You Hear
If you can repeat back what you heard your partner say, they will feel like you were listening. When you repeat it back, it is a good idea to paraphrase what was said to indicate that you understand the meaning. It is nearly impossible to do this if you aren’t actively listening, so paraphrasing what was said will help your partner feel heard, which can deepen your bond as a couple.
5. Ask For Clarification
After you repeat back what you hear, it can be helpful to ask your partner for clarification. Some things might be difficult for your partner to express or fully explain. Asking for clarification provides a safe space for your partner to open up further and share the deeper, perhaps more emotional context of what they are trying to communicate. Sharing deeply with one another helps strengthen your couple connection.
6. Pay Attention
Paying attention is not the same as listening actively, or staying present in the moment. Although you will need to do both things in order to pay attention. Paying attention means noticing not only what is being said or how it is being said, but also the context of what is happening. Maybe your partner is visibly upset and is looking for reassurance, understanding, or comfort. Paying attention to body language and other non-verbal cues helps you communicate effectively by helping your partner feel more understood.
7. Use “I” Statements
“I” statements can be used to keep the focus on your own experience and not your partner’s shortcomings. “I” statements express your understanding, beliefs, ideas, and feelings. “You” statements, in contrast, focus on the beliefs, ideas, and feelings that you attribute to your partner. “I” statements do not feel as judgmental and are not as likely to put your partner on the defensive which helps with your couple communication.
8. Show Respect
When your partner is discussing something that bothers them, especially when it is something you’ve done, it can be hard not to take it personally. Things like rolling your eyes, becoming defensive, and giving the silent treatment are disrespectful and create distance in relationships. While it is important to be respectful, it is equally important to expect to be treated with respect. If your partner is not being respectful, you should let them know this and take a time out if it continues. Setting a time, after you have both cooled off, to continue the discussion lets your partner know that you are interested in what they are saying, but they need to respect your boundaries.
9. Be Honest
It is important to be honest, even when what you need to say is difficult. While it is useful to pick your battles and not make everything an issue, it is essential that you bring up things that are bothering you that you are not able to let go. Staying silent builds resentment. This also includes admitting when you are wrong and apologizing. Sharing honestly, helps build trust which will keep your bond as a couple strong.
10. Use Compliments
Thanking your partner for sharing and letting them know that you appreciate their willingness to open up, can encourage your partner to share more. When you have something to say that your partner might find upsetting, pointing out the positive can help soften the blow. Telling your partner what you love about them helps them feel valued for who they are. Complimenting your partner often and pointing out the positive creates good feelings which leads to a stronger relationship.
Communicating effectively can keep your relationship healthy and happy. When you both feel heard and understood, it creates more trust in your relationship. Using these 10 tips can help you communicate more effectively and create a deeper couple bond.
Have you ever had trouble falling or staying asleep because of racing thoughts or excessive worry? Ever experience heart palpitations, stomach upset, or profuse sweating when feeling nervous or anxious? Maybe you avoided certain people, places, or activities because of anxiety. If you struggle with anxiety, there are effective ways to decrease anxiety. Although it is normal to experience worry and anxiety at times, it can be really hard for those who experience it on a regular basis. Luckily, there are some things that you can do right now to decrease anxiety.
1.Use a Grounding Technique
Since anxiety tends to be future oriented, meaning it hasn’t happened yet, and it may or may not happen, it is difficult to impact. You can only change things in the here and now. A grounding technique can be used to bring your focus back to the present. One of the most effective ways to ground yourself in the moment, is to engage all of your senses. You take a deep breath, look around, and name out loud:
5 things you can see
4 things you can touch
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
2. Belly Breathe
There are many different breathing techniques that can be used to help you feel calmer. One of the best breathing techniques to reduce anxiety is belly breathing. Belly breathing, also called diaphragmatic breathing, can help you relax almost instantly. When you are anxious, the sympathetic nervous system, our fight or flight response is activated. This can give you the needed adrenaline to run when being chased by a bear. Unfortunately, the body has a hard time differentiating between life-threatening and non-life-threatening stress. When the sympathetic nervous system is engaged, blood pressure and heart rate increase, and digestion slows.
Belly breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system which slows the heart rate and blood pressure, and stimulates digestion, producing a relaxed state and feeling of calm. To belly breathe you want to make your belly puff out when you breathe in, and sink in when you breathe out. Sometimes, it is easier to get the hang of it when you lay down and place a book on your stomach making it rise when you breathe in and making it fall when you breathe out.
3. Acknowledge Your Feelings Without Judgment
You are human, and humans have feelings. It is okay to feel any way that you feel. Sometimes when you are feeling anxious, scared, or worried, you might tell yourself that you shouldn’t feel this way. Doing this invalidates how you are actually feeling and adds guilt to the mix. You can acknowledge how you are feeling, it’s just a feeling and you don’t have to judge it. The more you try and minimize or avoid anxiety, the more likely it is to show itself in indirect, often very inconvenient ways. Simply saying out loud how you are feeling validates that it is a normal emotion and helps you to deal with it as such.
The next time worry or anxiety tries to interfere in your life in a negative way, remember there are things you can do that help. If you continue to struggle with anxiety, therapy can help. You can acknowledge how you feel without judgment, use a grounding technique, and belly breathe. Doing these three things can help you decrease anxiety right now.
