When you experience something emotionally intense and frightening or traumatic, it overwhelms your ability to cope effectively. If it is something that’s difficult to make sense of and resolve, it can become stuck in your body. The traumatic event lingers in the central nervous system. Because of this, you might become over-reactive whenever you encounter something that reminds you of the trauma. It is difficult to access the part of the brain that stores trauma with traditional talk therapy. Therefore, a different type of approach is necessary. A therapeutic approach known as brainspotting can help you access, process and heal trauma.
Brainspotting
Brainspotting is a therapeutic technique developed by David Grand in 2003 to help treat trauma and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It is a brain-body, relational, mindfulness based approach. Brainspotting developed out of Grand’s work with Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) and Somatic Experience (SE). It is based on the premise that where you look impacts how you feel. Therefore, by maintaining a specific eye position, you can access, process, and release trauma that’s frozen in the subcortical brain. Since brainspotting is a therapeutic tool, you can use it in conjunction with other therapeutic approaches. According to Grand, brainspotting is a physiological approach with psychological consequences.
What Is Brainspotting Like
In brainspotting, the therapist helps the client find an eye position to use. The eye position is related to the negative emotion and body sensations stored deep in the brain. An eye position is often located with a pointer. The therapist uses the pointer to slowly go across the client’s field of vision. When the client gazes at the brainspot, they are able to access traumatic memories and painful emotions. The client can say as much or as little as they want during the process. Listening to bilateral sound helps the client further process. The dual attunement process is one of the most integral parts of the technique. This is where the therapist attunes to both the relational connection and the brain-body response of the client. The therapist maintains a mostly nonverbal, empathic connection with the client. This enables the client to utilize the brain’s natural ability to heal.
How Does Brainspotting Work
Brainspotting is a theoretical approach, so the exact way it works is unknown. However, brainspotting is able to access parts of the brain that are not easy to reach through traditional talk therapy. Focusing on a brainspot helps bypass the thinking brain. This allows you to go deeper into the subcortical brain in the limbic system and brainstem where trauma is stored. The subcortical brain is about instinct, creativity, thought, and spirituality. It also controls all bodily functions. Trauma overwhelms the brain’s processing ability, leaving parts of the experience unprocessed, and frozen in time. The fixed eye position used on the brainspot enables the brain to access and process these unprocessed experiences. This occurs due to the neuroplasticity of the brain, or its ability to change and form new connections. Once the brain can process these experiences and return to a state of adaptive homeostasis, related symptomatology significantly decreases.
Is Brainspotting Effective
Brainspotting is a safe and effective approach overall. However, It has not been thoroughly studied as it is relatively new. Many therapists that have used brainspotting with their clients report an increase in their client’s emotional well-being. It was also found to be the most effective approach used for the survivors of the Sandy Hook school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut. It is possible to use this approach in conjunction with other modalities to treat trauma and PTSD symptoms. Also, it may be effective in treating chronic pain, substance abuse, ADHD, anxiety, impulsivity, and anger. In addition, Grand has successfully used brainspotting to enhance the performance of artists, athletes, and other professionals.
The Differences Between Brainspotting And EMDR
While both brainspotting and EMDR have many similarities, there also some differences. While both help access trauma through bilateral stimulation, they go about it differently. EMDR follows a very specific protocol. Brainspotting is more flexible and can be used in conjunction with other therapeutic approaches. EMDR uses rapid eye movements for processing. Brainspotting utilizes a fixed eye position. EMDR can be overstimulating for some, and is not appropriate to use for everyone. Brainspotting can be adapted for almost everyone. This is because it relies more on the relational attunement between the therapist and client, than a strict protocol.
If you have experienced trauma and are having symptoms of PTSD, brainspotting can help. A therapist trained in brainspotting can help you access the trauma so you can process it and let it go. When you are able to release the trauma, PTSD symptoms can decrease and emotional well-being can increase.
Establishing a quiet time routine for your children can be quite helpful to their development. Our fast-paced society is very stimulating. This can be especially true for children since they are constantly exposed to new information. However, in order to make sense of the information, children need to process what they are learning. They do this best in an environment with little to no additional stimulation. In fact, daily quiet time provides a number of benefits for children.
What Is Quiet Time
Quiet time refers to a scheduled period of time during the day for your child to engage in independent activities with little external stimulation. During this time, electronic devices should be limited. Your child should be encouraged to entertain themselves in a safe area. Often, quiet time can take place in a child’s bedroom. Young children might benefit from a timer that goes off when quiet time ends. If you have children that are close in age, you will want to make sure they each have a separate area to use for quiet time. Once your children give up their naps, quiet time is appropriate for all ages. Quiet time usually lasts for at least 30 minutes, and sometimes up to an hour or longer, depending on the needs of your child. While it might seem like a break for you, quiet time also provides important benefits for your child.
How To Establish Quiet Time
Young children often benefit from a schedule. When there is a consistent routine, kids can feel more secure. It is helpful to incorporate quiet time into your child’s schedule every day. This is a good idea for children of all ages, from two to eighteen. For teenagers, you can call it mindfulness, or meditation time. It will even be beneficial for you to try. Wherever you decide to have your child engage in quiet time, make sure there are safe things for them to use creatively. Establish some rules around the use of electronics so your children will get the most out of their time alone. You may want to let your child know what is and is not appropriate during their quiet time. Such as leaving the area before the timer goes off, damaging things, or being too loud. Your child will benefit in many ways by having a scheduled daily quiet time.
It Helps Them Process
Children are constantly learning. They are often bombarded by new information, or old information being used in a new way throughout the day. Receiving information is only a part of the learning process. Kids also need to make sense of this information by processing it. Quiet time gives children a chance to process, organize, and synthesize new information. This helps deepen their learning. Time resting, but awake, helps kids solidify the things they’ve learned throughout the day. Quiet time provides an opportunity for this solidification to occur.
Creativity Improves
Scheduled quiet time enables children to engage their imagination. Imagination and quiet time help creativity flourish. When kids engage in quiet time, their attention, focus, and creativity increase. They learn how to manage boredom and turn it into an opportunity to problem-solve. Your brain doesn’t shut down during quiet time. In fact, it is busy actively evaluating and internalizing information. Without a lot of external stimulation, children are able to tap into their innate creativity. Since quiet time is unstructured, kids are able to become very creative as they let their imagination take charge.
It Helps Them Recharge
Engaging in quiet time each day gives kids an opportunity to recharge. When they have time away from stimulation, kids can become more tolerant of others, and more patient in general. A little time reflecting on their experiences helps them gear up for the new things to come. Providing a scheduled quiet time for your children can also decrease their tantrums as they feel more refreshed and recharged afterwards. When your child is recharged, it’s a lot more relaxing spending time with them.
Feelings Are Better Understood
Kids are able to understand, tolerate, and even regulate their emotions more effectively when they have quiet time every day. It can be hard for a lot of people to sit with their thoughts and understand their feelings. When children have scheduled quiet time, they have time to sit with their feelings and let them be felt. This enables them to acknowledge what they are feeling, differentiate their feelings, and process their feelings. Good mental health habits can be established, and symptoms of anxiety and depression can decrease, when kids have time to sit with their feelings.
It Helps Them Self-Soothe
While your children will naturally turn to you for comfort, self-soothing is an important skill for kids to learn. Quiet time provides an opportunity for your child to learn to manage boredom and comfort themselves. This way, they can learn to calm down and better regulate their emotional responses. When a child is able to self-soothe when they feel distressed, they are often more willing to try new things. This can help them build their self-confidence and can increase their self-esteem.
Mindfulness Improves
Mindfulness, being fully present in the moment without judging what is happening, is a great skill for children to practice. Quiet time provides an opportunity for kids to be mindful. Practicing mindfulness helps improve emotional well-being and provides a sense of inner calm. While young kids are naturally good at mindfulness, practicing mindfulness can be especially helpful for teenagers. Mindfulness activities such as meditation and yoga can help children feel more grounded and more self-aware.
These are some of the benefits that your child will experience when they participate in quiet time. When children are able to find calm in the midst of chaos, the benefits will be long lasting. By establishing a daily quiet time, you give your children the gift of peaceful solitude that they can utilize throughout their life.
A good night’s sleep is beneficial to your emotional well-being, ability to function effectively, and general mood. When racing thoughts, stress, and anxiety keep you awake at night, it can be quite distressing. However, there are some things you can try when you can’t sleep due to racing thoughts.
What Are Racing Thoughts
Racing thoughts refer to thoughts that are persistent, often intrusive, and occur in rapid succession. It can feel as though your mind is going a mile a minute when your thoughts are racing. Even though you don’t want to have these thoughts, it feels as if you have no control and cannot turn them off. Often times, the thoughts seem to be in control of you. These thoughts can be about anything. Sometimes they are related to current life stressors. Other times, they are more about past issues or things you wish you said, or didn’t say. Racing thoughts can lead to catastrophizing, or imagining the worst case scenario. It seems as though the more you try to stop thinking about it, the more intense the thoughts become. Although anyone can have racing thoughts at times, they are often associated with anxiety disorders.
How Racing Thoughts Interfere With Sleep
Racing thoughts can have a negative impact on your ability to fall asleep, and or stay asleep. It’s hard to get to sleep when you feel as though you can’t shut your brain off. Imagining something difficult, or a catastrophe, can impact the brain in a similar way as actually experiencing it. Thoughts are very powerful. If you think about something awful happening, your body and brain can react as if it is happening. This can put you in a state of high arousal which can make it difficult for you to sleep. When your brain senses danger, either real or imagined, the fight, flight, or freeze response kicks in. Adrenaline is released and blood pressure, heart rate, and breathing increase. Since it takes between 20 and 60 minutes to return to a pre-arousal state, it can be hard to fall asleep. However, there are some things you can do that might help when you can’t sleep due to racing thoughts.
1. Exercise Earlier
Exercise is good for your mind and body. However, if you exercise late in the evening, you might have a hard time winding down when it’s time for bed. Exercising during the day can improve the quality of your sleep and help you fall asleep faster at night. If you complete a high-intensity workout late in the evening, the opposite can be true. Your body and mind can still be energized and your thoughts can race. If you exercise at night shortly before bed and are struggling to shut off your thoughts and get good quality sleep, try exercising earlier in the day.
2. Schedule A Time To Feel Your Feelings
Scheduling a time to feel your feelings allows you to address your worries on your terms so they are less likely to interfere with your sleep. When you schedule a time each day to focus on your fears and worries, it is easier for you to process them. It might seem like avoiding your anxious feelings keeps them from impacting you. Usually, doing this can make them more intense and more difficult to manage, especially when you are trying to get to sleep. When you give your feelings time and attention at your convenience, they can stop trying to interfere with your sleep. Plan a 10 minute period to feel your feelings during the day. When you’re done, transition by doing something completely different. Try not to do this right before bed as this can make it harder to fall asleep.
3. Set Up A Good Sleep Environment
Setting up a good sleep environment can help you fall asleep faster and stay asleep longer. Ideally, your bedroom should be used for sleep and sex. This helps set up an association with your room and sleep. If you use it for other things, it can be harder for you to make this association. Keeping your room dark and minimizing artificial light can help prepare your mind to wind down for sleep. Since your body temperature naturally drops in preparation for sleep, keeping your room on the cool side between 60-67 degrees can help you fall asleep quicker and stay asleep longer. Having comfortable bedding and lots of blankets, or even a weighted blanket can be helpful. A quiet room, or consistent noise, is best for sleep. Using a sound machine can provide continuous soothing sound, while eliminating inconsistent background noise. A good sleep environment can make it easier to quiet your mind and get restful sleep.
4. Create A Relaxing Bedtime Routine
Preparing yourself for sleep by creating a relaxing bedtime routine can help with your sleep quality. The blue light emitted from phones and other electronics can have a negative impact on sleep. Turn off electronics and do something that relaxes you before bed. Meditation, yoga, and other mindfulness activities can help you begin to relax and prepare your body for rest. Focus on your breath and send it to your belly, breathing out longer than you breathe in. Spray lavender, or other scents that help you relax, on your pillow. Keep a gratitude journal and write down the things you are grateful for every night before bed. Read a book so you can focus on something other than your thoughts. A good bedtime routine can help prepare you for restful sleep.
5. Repeat A Mantra
Repeat a mantra to yourself to keep your racing thoughts from interfering with your ability to sleep. A mantra can help you get more restful sleep in a couple of ways. It can help you distract yourself from your thoughts, as repeating a mantra in your head can keep your thoughts from taking center stage. A mantra can also offer you something pleasant to focus on. Repeating a phrase such as, I am calm and relaxed and ready for sleep, can help your brain believe that this is true. When your worries and thoughts are keeping you from sleep, a mantra can help you focus on something else.
6. Write It Down
Try writing your worries down. Writing down your thoughts can keep you from ruminating on them. This also helps you utilize logic so catastrophizing doesn’t allow your imagination to run wild. When you write your thoughts down, you can step away from them and revisit them later if you choose. Writing down your thoughts helps you organize them enough to put them on paper. This can be enough to break the negative thought loop. Writing down what is bothering you when you can’t stop thinking about it, can help clear your mind so you can sleep.
Although it might be hard to get to sleep when racing thoughts and anxiety occur at night, with some adjustments, it is still possible. If this is a regular occurrence that is interfering with your ability to function, counseling can help. Practicing the above tips can make a big difference when you can’t sleep due to racing thoughts.
Sharing things that are upsetting or often lead to conflict in your relationship can be hard. If you are uncomfortable with conflict, you may decide to keep these things to yourself. However, doing this can have a negative impact on your couple intimacy. Although it may not be easy, saying what you need to say, even if it may lead to conflict, is important for a healthy relationship. If you struggle with this, the following tips might make it easier for you to speak up in your relationship.
What Happens When You Don’t Speak Up
When you don’t speak up in your relationship, your couple connection and intimacy can suffer. Bottling up your feelings and needs, can lead to resentment and loneliness in your relationship. Maybe you don’t fight, but it is probably difficult for you to feel known and understood by your partner as well. Your connection can begin to feel superficial. Denying your feelings and needs can lead to an internal struggle that can weaken your self-esteem and lead to symptoms of anxiety and depression.
Why It Can Be Hard To Speak Up
It can be hard to speak up about things that might be bothering you in your relationship. One of the reasons that this might be true, is you may be afraid it will lead to a fight. Although conflict can be good for your relationship and even bring you closer together, it can trigger fears of abandonment. You may have a fear that fighting with your partner will lead to the end of your relationship. Therefore, you might feel as though you have to bite your tongue and keep everything pleasant. The problem with this is that you could end up resenting your partner and feeling disconnected. In order to have a healthy intimate connection, you need to be able to say what’s on your mind. This is true, even if it causes an argument. There are some things you can do to help you speak up in your relationship, even if you are afraid it might lead to conflict.
1. Know Yourself
In order to speak up and say what you need to say in your relationship, you need to know yourself and what’s important to you. Spend time feeling your feelings. Notice your fears and what happens just before you shut down. Be aware of certain triggers that cause you to feel uncomfortable and keep you from speaking up. Write out what you need, why it’s important to you, why it’s hard for you to share, and what makes it easier for you to speak up. When you are clear with what you need to say and why you need to say it, you can devise a plan for how you are going to do it.
2. Know What To Let Go
While it is important to speak up when something is bothering you, it is also helpful to let some things go. Sometimes, if you have been holding back instead of speaking up, you might notice that everything starts to bother you. You want to determine if what is bothering you is something that you need to bring up, or something you can let go. To help you decide this, figure out if it bothers you if others do it, or only when your partner does it. Also, consider if this is an issue your partner needs to change, or if it is your issue. When you can let the unimportant things go, it can be easier to identify the important things that you do need to bring up.
3. Talk About The Little Things
Talk to your partner about the things that are easier for you to discuss. Usually, these are things about your day that have nothing to do with your partner. This helps foster a connection so you will be more comfortable bringing up the things that might lead to conflict. When it is hard for you to speak up for yourself in your relationship, you might start pulling away and stop talking about the unimportant things as well. If you feel disconnected from your partner, it is usually harder to seek them out for conversation. When conversation becomes a habit in your relationship, it will be easier to bring up the things that are bothering you.
4. Have Clear Boundaries
Having clear boundaries with yourself and your partner can make arguments easier to manage. For yourself, have a goal in mind. If you know you need to discuss something your partner said that hurt you, figure out what you want to accomplish. Are you bringing it up so they will be aware it hurts you? Do you want them to stop saying it? With your partner, you can determine when it is hard for you to discuss things and what makes it easier. For example, if you shut down when your partner yells, you may need a boundary around this. Let them know what you need from them and why. If they yell when you are trying to share what is bothering you, give them a warning the first time and walk away for awhile the second time. Let them know when you will come back and try again. When you have boundaries in place, it can make it easier for you to share what is bothering you.
5. Pick A Good Time
Timing can be very important when you need to talk about something that is hard for you. If you try to have this discussion at an inconvenient time, you may not feel heard by your partner. This might make it hard for you to bring up other things that bother you and can cause you to shut down further. If your partner is busy with something, or has other plans, it might not be a good time to talk. Ask your partner if it is a good time to talk. If it isn’t, you can agree on a time that works better. When you know that you will have your partner’s undivided attention, it can be easier for you to speak up.
6. Use Effective Communication Skills
Effective communication skills can help you feel more comfortable sharing with your partner. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. When you use “you” statements, your partner can become defensive and it will be hard for them to truly listen to you. When your partner speaks, reflect back what you hear them say. Ask them to do this after you speak as well. This is about active listening. If you are listening so that you can reflect back what they are trying to say, you cannot be focused on preparing your response. After you hear their reflection, you can clarify your message to make sure they understand your position.
Speaking up in your relationship helps foster a deeper bond. If you tried these tips and notice you are still avoiding conflict with your partner, couples counseling can help. When you are able to openly share with your partner, the intimacy in your relationship and your overall well-being can improve.
Arguments in relationships are normal. When you are able to work through conflict together, intimacy can deepen. However, when you or your partner handle conflict by avoiding it altogether, your relationship can suffer. Although things may seem fine on the surface, anger, resentment, and bitterness can be brewing underneath. In fact, avoiding conflict can cause many problems in your relationship and can weaken your couple connection.
What Is Relationship Conflict
Relationship conflict refers to a disagreement, argument, or debate that takes place between two people within a relationship. Relationship conflict highlights basic differences between you and your partner. It is a normal part of a relationship. When two people with different backgrounds, beliefs, ideas, wants and desires come together, conflict is bound to occur. Conflict has a negative connotation, but can actually be quite healthy for your relationship. However, fighting with your partner can be uncomfortable for some. In order to avoid an emotional response, you might instead avoid conflict altogether.
What Is Conflict Avoidance
Conflict avoidance refers to a way of addressing a disagreement or problem by intentionally not dealing with it. One of the most common ways of avoiding conflict is to ignore the problem. By ignoring the problem and not discussing it, you don’t have to deal with the outcome. Another way to avoid conflict is to change the subject. When your partner is discussing something that upsets them, you start discussing something bothering you instead. This is a way of deflecting your partner’s concerns. Stonewalling, or shutting down, also helps you avoid conflict. When you stonewall, you might remove yourself from the situation every time an uncomfortable topic is brought up. You could also simply refuse to respond to your partner. Doing this can help you avoid uncomfortable topics, but can seem very dismissive to your partner.
Why Conflict Is Avoided
Reasons that you might avoid conflict can vary. At the beginning of a relationship, you might feel that if you have a fight, your relationship will end. You might decide to remain silent to avoid possible disagreements. For many, conflict is seen as bad. You might be afraid that you will hurt your partner, or that conflict will lead to more problems. There can be a fear of not being liked by your partner, so you hide your true feelings. Perhaps, you never witnessed healthy conflict and resolution when you were a child. If you experienced childhood abuse, you may even fear conflict. This fear can lead to a belief that conflict is dangerous and must be avoided. However, avoiding conflict can lead to problems in your relationship that can be difficult to overcome.
A Pursuer/Distancer Dynamic Can Develop
If you avoid conflict, your partner might try to get you to respond to them by pursuing you more. In response, you could end up becoming even more distant. This sets up an unhealthy relationship dynamic. The more you withdraw, the more your partner chases. However, the anxiety this causes in each of you can actually perpetuate the cycle. Instead of bringing you closer, this relationship dynamic creates distance that can be hard to understand and address.
Resentment Can Build
Resentment is the bitterness and anger you feel as a result of perceived mistreatment. When your partner never wants to discuss the things that are bothering you, the issues can’t be resolved. Over time, this can lead to resentment. Resentment can occur when you feel your needs aren’t being met. It can be difficult for you to have empathy for your partner when you think they don’t understand you. You may begin to feel as though they don’t really care about you or your feelings. It is hard to even attempt to meet each other’s needs when you are not discussing your needs. When resentment builds up, you notice all the ways your partner is disappointing you. If it continues to build, it can eventually lead to an explosion, or even contempt.
Intimacy Can Weaken
Intimacy is about having a deep connection with your partner. When you feel like you can share your wants, needs, and concerns, intimacy is strengthened. Keeping things pleasant on the surface, but being unable to discuss what bothers you, can erode your couple intimacy. When you feel as though can’t talk to your partner, intimacy suffers. You can begin to feel distant from one another. This can affect all aspects of your relationship. If you don’t feel deeply bonded, your sex life and couple connection can begin to erode.
Communication Problems Can Occur
When you don’t talk to your partner about what is bothering you, it can be difficult to talk in general. Discussing superficial topics can become strained and difficult as bottled up feelings and resentment eventually need an outlet. Instead of just avoiding conflict, you might end up avoiding your partner altogether. Tension lying just beneath the surface can be strongly felt. Superficial conversation can begin to feel meaningless, and you might avoid communicating with your partner at all.
Feelings Of Loneliness Can Increase
Everyone longs to feel heard and understood. The more you avoid conflict, the less heard and understood you begin to feel. You might begin to believe that your relationship is lacking meaningful connection. The more distant you feel, the more distance can build. When you do not feel safe sharing things with your partner, you could start to feel lonely. You could keep things bottled up so it doesn’t lead to conflict. The fear of facing conflict and being vulnerable in your relationship can actually increase feelings of loneliness.
These are just some of the ways that avoiding conflict can affect your relationship. If you notice that your relationship is suffering because you or your partner avoid conflict, couples counseling can help. When you are able to address conflict, instead of avoiding it, your couple connection can strengthen.
