Arguments in relationships are normal. When you are able to work through conflict together, intimacy can deepen. However, when you or your partner handle conflict by avoiding it altogether, your relationship can suffer. Although things may seem fine on the surface, anger, resentment, and bitterness can be brewing underneath. In fact, avoiding conflict can cause many problems in your relationship and can weaken your couple connection.
What Is Relationship Conflict
Relationship conflict refers to a disagreement, argument, or debate that takes place between two people within a relationship. Relationship conflict highlights basic differences between you and your partner. It is a normal part of a relationship. When two people with different backgrounds, beliefs, ideas, wants and desires come together, conflict is bound to occur. Conflict has a negative connotation, but can actually be quite healthy for your relationship. However, fighting with your partner can be uncomfortable for some. In order to avoid an emotional response, you might instead avoid conflict altogether.
What Is Conflict Avoidance
Conflict avoidance refers to a way of addressing a disagreement or problem by intentionally not dealing with it. One of the most common ways of avoiding conflict is to ignore the problem. By ignoring the problem and not discussing it, you don’t have to deal with the outcome. Another way to avoid conflict is to change the subject. When your partner is discussing something that upsets them, you start discussing something bothering you instead. This is a way of deflecting your partner’s concerns. Stonewalling, or shutting down, also helps you avoid conflict. When you stonewall, you might remove yourself from the situation every time an uncomfortable topic is brought up. You could also simply refuse to respond to your partner. Doing this can help you avoid uncomfortable topics, but can seem very dismissive to your partner.
Why Conflict Is Avoided
Reasons that you might avoid conflict can vary. At the beginning of a relationship, you might feel that if you have a fight, your relationship will end. You might decide to remain silent to avoid possible disagreements. For many, conflict is seen as bad. You might be afraid that you will hurt your partner, or that conflict will lead to more problems. There can be a fear of not being liked by your partner, so you hide your true feelings. Perhaps, you never witnessed healthy conflict and resolution when you were a child. If you experienced childhood abuse, you may even fear conflict. This fear can lead to a belief that conflict is dangerous and must be avoided. However, avoiding conflict can lead to problems in your relationship that can be difficult to overcome.
A Pursuer/Distancer Dynamic Can Develop
If you avoid conflict, your partner might try to get you to respond to them by pursuing you more. In response, you could end up becoming even more distant. This sets up an unhealthy relationship dynamic. The more you withdraw, the more your partner chases. However, the anxiety this causes in each of you can actually perpetuate the cycle. Instead of bringing you closer, this relationship dynamic creates distance that can be hard to understand and address.
Resentment Can Build
Resentment is the bitterness and anger you feel as a result of perceived mistreatment. When your partner never wants to discuss the things that are bothering you, the issues can’t be resolved. Over time, this can lead to resentment. Resentment can occur when you feel your needs aren’t being met. It can be difficult for you to have empathy for your partner when you think they don’t understand you. You may begin to feel as though they don’t really care about you or your feelings. It is hard to even attempt to meet each other’s needs when you are not discussing your needs. When resentment builds up, you notice all the ways your partner is disappointing you. If it continues to build, it can eventually lead to an explosion, or even contempt.
Intimacy Can Weaken
Intimacy is about having a deep connection with your partner. When you feel like you can share your wants, needs, and concerns, intimacy is strengthened. Keeping things pleasant on the surface, but being unable to discuss what bothers you, can erode your couple intimacy. When you feel as though can’t talk to your partner, intimacy suffers. You can begin to feel distant from one another. This can affect all aspects of your relationship. If you don’t feel deeply bonded, your sex life and couple connection can begin to erode.
Communication Problems Can Occur
When you don’t talk to your partner about what is bothering you, it can be difficult to talk in general. Discussing superficial topics can become strained and difficult as bottled up feelings and resentment eventually need an outlet. Instead of just avoiding conflict, you might end up avoiding your partner altogether. Tension lying just beneath the surface can be strongly felt. Superficial conversation can begin to feel meaningless, and you might avoid communicating with your partner at all.
Feelings Of Loneliness Can Increase
Everyone longs to feel heard and understood. The more you avoid conflict, the less heard and understood you begin to feel. You might begin to believe that your relationship is lacking meaningful connection. The more distant you feel, the more distance can build. When you do not feel safe sharing things with your partner, you could start to feel lonely. You could keep things bottled up so it doesn’t lead to conflict. The fear of facing conflict and being vulnerable in your relationship can actually increase feelings of loneliness.
These are just some of the ways that avoiding conflict can affect your relationship. If you notice that your relationship is suffering because you or your partner avoid conflict, couples counseling can help. When you are able to address conflict, instead of avoiding it, your couple connection can strengthen.
Most people experience feelings of loneliness at times. For some, these feelings become persistent and can even lead to hopelessness that the situation will ever improve. When you are struggling and feel as though there is no one to turn to for support, loneliness can feel overwhelming. However, there are some strategies you can try to help you cope with loneliness and feel more connected.
What Is Loneliness
Loneliness isn’t necessarily about being alone, it is more about the subjective quality of your relationships lacking meaningful connection. It is an internal feeling of discomfort. You can be surrounded by many people, yet feel emotionally and socially disconnected. As an infant, you depend on others in order to survive. Forming an attachment with your primary caregiver is important and even necessary for your survival. Feeling deeply connected to those you form attachments with helps you thrive. When you feel lonely instead, your mental and physical health can suffer and you may experience depression and anxiety. Loneliness occurs when the social connections that you want are very different from the social interactions you have.
What Causes Loneliness
There are a number of things that can contribute to loneliness. Life transitions such as, moving, changing jobs, divorce, or developing a chronic illness can lead to loneliness. Loneliness can occur at any time to anyone, but is often associated with the elderly. Since it is more about a lack in the quality, versus the quantity of your relationships, those that have trouble reaching out and being vulnerable can experience more loneliness. While it is normal to feel lonely at times, there are things you can do to help.
1. Feel Your Feelings
One way to combat feelings of loneliness is to acknowledge it as a feeling and feel it. Feelings come and go. It would be odd to experience the same feeling, and only that feeling forever and ever. However, with loneliness it can be thought of as who you are, instead of how you feel. To help view loneliness as a feeling you are having, you need to acknowledge the feeling and let yourself feel it, but on your terms. Limit the amount of time that you feel your loneliness and make sure you have a way to transition that gets your mind off of it when you’re done. When you see loneliness as a feeling, you can sit with this feeling and allow it to be so you can begin to experience other, more positive feelings as well.
2. Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness refers to being fully present in the moment. This means giving your full attention to your current experience. When you are mindful, you are focused on what is going on all around you. To do this, your attention cannot be on your own thoughts and inner experience. Mindfulness is useful when you are alone as the attention is still on what is happening around you, while noticing your inner experience without judgment. It is also helpful when you are with others as you are able to be fully present. This enables you to learn more about those you engage with, which can help you deepen your connections so you don’t feel as lonely.
3. Make Small Talk
Making small talk can help you feel more engaged and less lonely. Although small talk may not provide great depth, it is a start towards connecting. Small talk is a way to put yourself out there and share a part of yourself with others. Smiling, making eye contact, and exchanging pleasantries can help foster connection. When you practice small talk as you go about your day, it will be easier to start conversations with those you want to get closer to. Loneliness is about not feeling connected and small talk helps you begin to connect.
4. Reach Out
Sometimes loneliness makes your world feel very small. When you think about it though, you probably have a few people in your life that have always been supportive that you could reach out to. Even if you haven’t spoken in awhile, or you are not sure what to say, reaching out can help ease loneliness. Catching up and talking about fond memories can help you remember times when you did not feel lonely. It can also be easier to be your true self with old friends.
5. Join A Club
Interacting with like-minded people can help you feel more connected and less lonely. Joining a club related to something you enjoy is a good way to do this. Whether it’s cooking, acting, or photography, joining a club can help you develop deeper connections as you bond over a common interest. You could interact with others at the gym, in your book club, or even during your morning run, if an organized club doesn’t interest you. Sometimes, just being around those who enjoy the same things you do can help ease feelings of loneliness.
6. Spend Time With Your Pet
Spending time with your pet is another way to help combat loneliness. Pets provide companionship, unconditional love and affection, and a boost in oxytocin. They can help you feel needed and ease symptoms of depression and anxiety. Pets can encourage you to be more playful and to exercise. While they are not a substitute for human interaction, they can make it easier for you to meet others.
7. Volunteer
Volunteering provides a meaningful way to connect with others and make new friends. Helping others naturally makes you feel good. Volunteering provides social interaction and keeps you from isolating. When you volunteer, it keeps the focus off of you. Instead, you are focused on doing something for someone else. This can help decrease loneliness as your attention changes from an inward focus on lack to an outward focus on helping.
8. Try Something New
Trying something new engages your brain in a different way which can help decrease feelings of loneliness. When you try something new, you need to pay attention and focus on what you are doing. Learning something new requires bravery and can help fight boredom. Gaining a new skill gives you something new to talk to others about. It forces you to break out of your comfort zone and can help you feel more alive. When you try something new you can be totally engaged, which helps you focus less on loneliness.
9. Practice Gratitude
Practicing gratitude requires you to shift your thoughts from what you are missing to what is going well. When you practice gratitude, you notice and highlight the good things. While you don’t want to ignore your feelings of loneliness, you also don’t want these feelings to be your main focus. Keeping a daily gratitude journal helps draw your attention to what you are grateful for.
10. Take A Break From Social Media
Maybe you think turning to social media is a good way to feel less lonely. However, spending too much time on social media can keep you from engaging in meaningful face-to-face connections. The idealized version of others often highlighted on social media can increase your feelings of loneliness. Scrolling through photos of smiling faces engaging in interesting activities could cause you to feel like everyone but you is happy. When you spend a lot of time on social media, you can end up feeling even more lonely. Decreasing the amount of time you spend on social media can free up time to focus on deepening your important connections.
If you are struggling with loneliness that is having a negative impact on your well-being, try the above tips. While it is normal to experience feelings of loneliness, if they persist, counseling can help. When you are able to feel deeply connected to others, feelings of loneliness will most likely decrease.
Tantrums are extremely common in children between the ages of one and four. Although you might know this intellectually, it can be quite difficult to deal with your child screaming and yelling in the grocery store because they can’t have candy. You might be embarrassed, or fear being judged as a bad parent. While it may not be possible to prevent it, there are some ways to support your child during a tantrum.
What Is A Tantrum
A tantrum is an emotional outburst caused by emotional distress. Although It is a normal part of child development, it can be frustrating for parents. When a young child is experiencing a tantrum, they might hit, throw things, bite, scream, cry, or hold their breath. Your child might be inconsolable and might resist your attempts to comfort them. This can be hard for parents, especially if a tantrum occurs in a public setting.
Why Do Young Children Have Tantrums
Children can experience a tantrum for a variety of reasons. A tantrum is more likely to occur if your child is thirsty, tired, or hungry. It can also occur if there has been a change in their normal routine. A tantrum can be in response to an unmet desire, which a young child can see as a need. For example, your child wants a cookie and you want them to eat their dinner first. They may have a tantrum because they want the cookie now, not after dinner. Young children have a hard time regulating their emotions. They often feel overwhelmed by their feelings and lack the vocabulary to articulate their experience. Even though tantrums in young children are normal, there are things you can do as a parent to help.
1. Safety First
Young children are naturally self-centered and have great difficulty with delayed gratification. Because of this, when their desires are not immediately responded to, they could have a tantrum. As a parent, it is important to make sure that your child is safe when they are having a tantrum. You also need to make sure that everyone else is safe as well. Moving a child to a different area, taking away things they can throw, or keeping other children at a distance can help keep everyone safe until your child calms down. Reasoning with an out-of-control child seldom works. Therefore, the first step in managing your child’s tantrum is making sure everyone is safe.
2. Regulate Your Own Emotions
When your child is having a tantrum and is inconsolable, you might notice yourself feeling upset, frustrated, and a bit out of control as well. This is due to mirror neurons. Mirror neurons enable you to attune to another’s experience and reflect it back. However, getting angry or upset yourself because of the frustration experienced by your child will only escalate the situation. Instead, it is more helpful if you are able to remain calm. This way you will be able to stay in the situation to help your child understand their experience without allowing your own feelings to take over.
3. Speak Softly
One way to keep things from escalating is to lower your voice. If you try to raise your voice to the level of your child, you will need to scream. This can cause you and your child to feel even more out of control. Lowering your voice and speaking calmly yet firmly, might cause your child to lower their voice so they can hear you. While this won’t always work immediately, your child will learn over time that they can gain more control over their reactions when they speak in a calmer tone.
4. Attune To Your Child
Another way to help your child during a tantrum is attunement. Attunement refers to being aware of and responsive to the needs of another. When you attune to your child, you respond to their subtle cues to determine what is going on for them. Attunement helps you bond with your baby and form an attachment. This enables you to notice when they might be tired, hungry, or sick. By attuning to your child, you can take steps to avoid a tantrum by addressing the needs of your child. You can also better understand what your child may be trying to communicate with their tantrum when you attune to them.
5. Name The Feeling
It is difficult for young children to discern and identify their feelings. They could also be lacking the words to express what they are experiencing. Let your child know that their feelings are okay, no matter what they are feeling. Help them name their feelings so they can begin to learn how to identify their emotions. If you can see they are sad because their friend took their toy, state this. When you validate their feelings, they can begin to process their experience. Sometimes your child just wants to feel heard and understood. Once they believe that you get it, that might be enough for them to begin to calm down.
6. Give Them Space
If you have tried all of the above suggestions and the tantrum is continuing, give your child space. Let them know that it is okay if they need to cry and if they need your help to let you know. Maybe they just need a good cry. When they have calmed down a little, you can ask if they would like a hug. Reassure your child at this time and see if you can redirect them. A hug and a little understanding can go a long way towards helping your child feel better.
Although tantrums are a normal way for your young child to express their frustrations, they can still be hard to deal with. Tantrums are normal and can be used to help teach your child about their feelings. Once your child is able to explain their emotions with words, their tantrums will most likely decrease. Having a parent to support them through their overwhelming feelings can help improve their emotional well-being.
When you have an adult relationship, you probably expect to relate to each other as equals. However, when one partner takes on the majority of the responsibility, a parent-child relationship dynamic can develop. If this dynamic continues, it can decrease your relationship satisfaction and emotional well-being. Understanding the parent-child relationship dynamic can help you break the pattern and establish a more equal partnership.
The Parent-Child Dynamic
The parent-child relationship dynamic occurs when one person in a romantic relationship takes on the role of the parent, and their partner takes on the role of the child. There are a number of reasons why this dynamic could develop between a couple. However, this sets up a power dynamic that is unequal. This type of relationship dynamic can lead to resentment and discontent. The parent takes charge and makes the rules. This causes a type of codependency that might work until the child decides to rebel, or the parent becomes too resentful.
In this relationship dynamic, the person who takes on the role of the parent can vary depending on the situation. For example, the husband can take on the role of the parent and the wife the child with finances and the roles can reverse with the household chores. Both the parent and the child can end up resenting the other for being too bossy, or not helping out enough. This can lead to a breakdown in communication and intimacy. In this dynamic, the parent will ask the child to complete a task and follow up to see if it was done. The child often will not complete the task on purpose, and the dynamic continues.
The Parent-Partner Role
The partner that takes on the role of the parent is often a natural nurturer. They enjoy taking care of others and can show their love by doing this. However, they can also be somewhat controlling and believe that there is only one right way to complete a task. The parent partner can be more demanding, act superior, and even become a disciplinarian in their primary relationship. It is easy for them to view their partner as someone that needs to be taken care of because they are irresponsible, helpless, or incompetent. They have a hard time respecting their partner’s boundaries or trusting them to do the right thing. Someone in the parent role might have a more anxious attachment style and could have difficulty directly confronting irresponsible behavior and setting appropriate boundaries. Overtime, they can build up resentment toward their partner for not contributing as much to the relationship.
The Child-Partner Role
The partner that takes on the role of the child often takes on a more passive role. They might even enjoy being taken care of in the beginning of the relationship. Interests and hobbies outside of the partnership can take up a lot of their time and attention. They may feel disrespected by their partner and can begin to withdraw from the relationship. It is difficult for them to establish firm boundaries and they may resort to passive-aggressive behaviors to get their way. Someone in the child role could have a more avoidant attachment style and might withdraw from conflict and their partner. They could feel victimized by their partner, but could also rely on them and feel somewhat helpless in the relationship. The child partner can end up resenting the parent partner for their overinvolvement and can resent their advice and act out either overtly or covertly.
The Attraction
The parent-child dynamic can be comforting initially. For the child partner, it can be flattering to be given so much attention. While for the parent partner, they are able to nurture someone who seems appreciative. Both partners may have witnessed this type of interaction in their family of origin. Therefore, they may each believe that this dynamic is a normal way of relating. The partner that takes on the child role can feel cared for, while the one that takes on the parent role can feel needed. Parent partners can control their environment and spend a lot of energy on their relationship, and child partners can focus on their interests outside of their relationship. Problems develop overtime as the inequality in this dynamic becomes glaring and leads to resentment from both partners.
Changing The Dynamic
The parent-child dynamic in relationships can be toxic and can erode effective communication and intimacy. If you find that your relationship fits this pattern, it will be important to change the dynamic and create a more peer based relationship. This type of relationship requires both partners to equally contribute to the relationship and make decisions jointly. Both the parent partner and the child partner will need to communicate more overtly and establish effective boundaries to break the pattern. This requires give and take from each partner. The parent partner will need to relinquish some control and rely more on their partner. Likewise, the child partner will need to take on more responsibility and put more effort into the relationship.
What The Parent-Partner Can Do
The partner in the parenting role can allow their spouse to contribute in their own way. This requires the parent to stop being so controlling. You may have anxiety about things getting done or of everything falling apart, but building trust in your partner is essential. To do this, it’s important to back off and let your partner do things their way. Ask your partner for their input. Let them gain some control. Making a list of what needs to be done and jointly deciding who will do what is one way to establish more equality. It is helpful to be open to your partner’s ideas and input, even if it is quite different from your own. Being more overt about your needs can keep resentment from building and increase your emotional intimacy. When you can be more vulnerable with your partner, you can deepen your connection.
What The Child-Partner Can Do
The partner in the child role can take on a more active role in the relationship. Set firm boundaries around the way you expect to be treated. If your spouse is talking down to you or scolding you, let them know that it is not okay. Agree to tasks that you can complete, and follow through. Instead of engaging in passive-aggressive behaviors to get your way, you can be direct. Let your partner know that the relationship is important and you are there for them. Support your partner when they are struggling and listen to them. Come together as a team and make joint decisions about your relationship and running the household.
If you notice the parent-child dynamic in your relationship, couples counseling can help. Once you understand the pattern, you can take steps to create a more equal partnership. This can help improve your intimacy and overall relationship satisfaction.
Experiencing a trauma, a stressful often disturbing event that overwhelms your ability to cope, can have a negative impact on your emotional well-being. You could struggle with symptoms that can be difficult to manage. Although most of the acute stress symptoms can resolve within a month, some can linger much longer possibly leading to posttraumatic stress disorder. Below are 10 common reactions that might occur after you experience a trauma.
1. Shock Or Denial
After experiencing a traumatic event, one of the first responses you have may be shock or denial. Feeling disconnected from what occurred, and denying the impact it had, is not uncommon. You might even try to deny that it really happened at all. However, this is a normal part of the fight, flight, or freeze response. It helps protect you from the full emotional impact of your experience. You could feel numb, detached, and confused. There is great difficulty believing what happened. Physical symptoms such as, tightness in your chest, feeling light-headed, or vomiting can also occur. This happens as adrenaline is released due to the stressful event.
2. Fear Or Anxiety
Anxiety, constant worry, and being afraid of the incident happening again can occur after experiencing a traumatic event. Your perception and worldview can change, and you might observe the world as a very scary place. The focus can shift to a belief the world is unsafe. You could also begin fixating on all of the awful things that might happen. It is possible to have difficulty sleeping. Instead of feeling safe and in control, you could feel out of control in an unsafe environment. Nervousness, heart palpitations, and panic attacks can occur. There may be fear and worry about the trauma happening again, or a different trauma occurring.
3. Exaggerated Startle Response
You could experience an exaggerated startle response as your body automatically goes into a protective mode. When you startle, you naturally try to cover any weaker areas where you could be vulnerable. Being touched unexpectedly, loud noises, and quick movements can cause you to startle. Feeling more on edge is quite common. It is as if it takes very little to cause you to feel as though you need to protect yourself.
4. Nightmares
Nightmares can occur after exposure to a trauma. These dreams can be very vivid. At times, you could wake in a panic and could have great difficulty calming down. Your nightmares can focus on what happened during the trauma, or they could seem completely unrelated. However, there is usually a theme related to fear or being out of control during the nightmare. Bad dreams can happen often or only occasionally. If these dreams occur regularly, you could be afraid to go to sleep at night.
5. Flashbacks
After a traumatic event, you could experience flashbacks. A flashback involves an often intense and disturbing sudden memory of a past traumatic event. It can feel as if you are experiencing the trauma again. Also, you may even respond as if the trauma is happening now and scream, cry, fight, or run. Experiencing a flashback can be very disturbing and can bring up feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, confusion, and disorientation.
6. Hypervigilance
You could become more hypervigilant following a traumatic event. Hypervigilance refers to being in a state of high alert to a potential threat or danger. There may be increased anxiety and fear. Usually, you become very aware of small changes in the environment that might signal a problem. There is a strong need to figure out what you should do to keep yourself out of danger. However, there is also a belief that danger is all around you all of the time.
7. Irritability
Following a traumatic experience, you might find yourself more irritable. It is easier to become agitated by things that normally wouldn’t bother you. Small annoyances can seem much bigger and might really get on your nerves. You could snap at others easily and have little patience. Anger comes up quickly and can be difficult to shake. In fact, others may keep more of a distance because they notice your short fuse.
8. Dissociation
While dissociating during a traumatic event is common, it can continue to happen even when the incident is over. Dissociation is a part of the freeze response that occurs when you feel overwhelmed and go into survival mode. When you dissociate, you disconnect from your body and what is being experienced as a way to protect yourself from pain and trauma. A common way of experiencing dissociation is when you zone out for a moment, or daydream. After a trauma, you might dissociate when something in your environment reminds you of the traumatic event. It is even possible to feel emotionally numb and disconnected a lot of the time.
9. Reexperiencing The Event
When you experience something traumatic, your brain tries to make sense of what happened. Because of this, you can replay the event over and over again in your mind. The memory continues to play in your head in a loop, even when you try not to think about it. It can be difficult to focus on what is going on in the moment, as your mind is focused on the traumatic experience. As the memory replays, you may become upset, scared, and panicked as if you were experiencing the trauma over again.
10. Avoidance Behaviors
Trauma can affect your worldview and cause you to pay more attention to all of the dangers around you and what could go wrong. In order to cope with difficult memories and unsettling feelings, you might avoid anything that reminds you of the traumatic event. Maybe you stop watching television, or hanging out with other people that remind you of the trauma. You could also stop going to certain areas or events to try to avoid thoughts of what happened.
These reactions can occur directly after experiencing a trauma, or there can be a delayed reaction in experiencing symptoms. It is also possible to have all of these reactions, or only a few. If you are struggling with any symptoms following a trauma, therapy can help. EMDR, or TF-CBT can help you process what happened and learn effective ways of coping with troubling symptoms related to the trauma.
