by Keir Brady | Jun 5, 2019 | Couples
Effective boundaries keep your relationship strong and healthy. Boundaries refer to limits that you put in place to protect your well-being. When boundaries are clearly communicated, along with the consequences for breaking them, your partner understands your expectations. In an earlier post I discussed ways to establish healthy boundaries in your relationship. This post identifies some types of boundaries to consider in your couple relationship to keep it running smoothly.
In order to establish effective personal boundaries, you have to know yourself, communicate your boundaries to others, and follow through with the consequences. Boundaries are for you and about you. They are about respecting your needs in your relationship. When you are uncomfortable about something in your relationship, but don’t speak up and share it with your partner, resentment can build. Below are some relationship boundaries to consider to help keep your relationship strong.
1. Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries refer to your body, privacy, and personal space. You might enjoy public displays of affection, or be uncomfortable with it. If your partner kisses you in public and you are uncomfortable with it, you need to let them know. Sharing your preferences and expectations might feel difficult, but not sharing them can make you feel disrespected. It might be easy to establish a boundary around your partner not slapping you. Perhaps the boundary and consequence is quick to define in this case. If you slap me, I will leave. However, in other areas it could be trickier.
Sharing your personal boundaries can improve your relationship. Know what you are and are not comfortable with and share this with your partner. If you need time to decompress after work before socializing with others, set a boundary around this. Doing this will keep you from feeling drained as it will allow you to honor your needs. You could say something like, I need 15 minutes to relax after work before we invite the neighbors over. If you invite them over before I’ve relaxed, I’m going to go relax in private and you will need to entertain them until I come down.
2. Emotional Boundaries
In order to establish emotional boundaries, you need to be in touch with your feelings. Healthy emotional boundaries require you to know where you end and your partner begins. If your partner is upset and you notice yourself sharing this feeling, a boundary might be needed. Notice when you feel guilty, ashamed, upset, and undervalued. Boundaries might be needed when you notice these feelings coming up around certain issues or situations.
If you are upset and your partner tries to fix it, you could feel as if your partner isn’t hearing you. Your partner might be trying to help you, but it just leaves you feeling more upset. This is a place where a boundary might be helpful. You could say, when I’m upset, I would like you to listen to me without trying to fix it. I just need to vent sometimes. When you try and fix things, I don’t feel heard. If I want your advice, I will let you know.
3. Sexual Boundaries
Sexual boundaries refer to your expectations around physical intimacy. What is and isn’t okay with you sexually. Boundaries around frequency, sexual comments, unwanted sexual touch, expectations around others involvement in your sex life, and what sexual acts are preferred and off limits should be discussed. Healthy sexual boundaries include mutual agreement, mutual consent, and an understanding of each other’s sexual limits and desires.
If you were sexually abused in the past and you are triggered during certain positions, a sexual boundary is needed. You might want to avoid sexual contact with your partner if you are reminded of a traumatizing experience. Establishing a boundary around what is comfortable for you can keep your sex life heallthy and happy. You could say, I have a hard time enjoying a certain sexual position because it reminds me of a difficult experience. In order for me to enjoy sex, I need to avoid that position. I will let you know if I become bothered so we can switch positions.
4. Intellectual Boundaries
Intellectual boundaries encompass ideas and beliefs. Boundaries around showing respect for different views and ideas can keep your feelings from being hurt. Talking down to someone or treating them as though they are not smart enough to understand what you are trying to say can damage your emotional intimacy. If you feel as though you can’t discuss certain topics with your partner because you believe they don’t respect your opinion, or put you down, a boundary might be needed.
When you are afraid to share your views or opinions because of your partner’s responses, you could feel hurt or upset. If your partner calls you names when you have a different opinion or political view, you could feel as though they don’t value your thoughts or beliefs. A boundary around this can allow you to share your opinions honestly. You could say, It hurts me when we disagree politically and you tell me my opinion is wrong. It makes me feel like you don’t respect my views. If you say that my opinion is wrong, I will remind you not to and end the discussion if you continue to say it.
5. Financial Boundaries
Financial boundaries are all about money. Boundaries around joint versus separate accounts, how much goes into savings, what purchases you want to make, and how much discretionary funds you will each have, can keep you both on the same page where your finances are concerned. Having different rules and agendas related to where and how you spend your money can cause a great deal of strain on your relationship. If you feel as though you are often fighting about money, boundaries are probably needed.
Discussions about your financial goals upfront, can keep finances from becoming a point of contention. If you agree to put money into a separate fund to pay for a vacation and you feel your partner isn’t contributing, this could upset you. Having a boundary around this can be helpful. You might say, I want to go on a nice vacation with you, but we both need to contribute to the vacation fund for that to happen. If you tell me when you contribute to the fund and how much you are putting in, I will match it.
Boundaries help your relationship function effectively. When you notice that you are feeling disrespected, taken advantage of, or hurt, you might want to consider how putting a boundary in place could improve this. Knowing and respecting your personal limits and needs can improve your couple relationship and keep it healthy and strong.
by Keir Brady | May 22, 2019 | Couples
Clear boundaries are important for healthy, well-functioning relationships. Boundaries are limits you establish in order to protect your own physical and emotional safety and well-being. They are guidelines based on expectations of how you expect to be treated. Effective boundaries include consequences if your limits are crossed.
For instance, a fence around your yard is a boundary. There is no problem letting a new puppy out in a yard with a fence. This is because the fence provides a safe barrier for the puppy. If the fence isn’t there, the puppy might get hurt or lost as the boundary and the safe limits are not clear.
Emotional boundaries in personal relationships are just as important as physical boundaries. However, they can be more difficult to define. Continuously doing for others without regard for your wants, needs, and desires, can cause problems and suffering for you. For a boundary to be effective, you have to know why it’s important to you. You should also know how to share it, and the consequences that will occur if it is broken. Below are some steps you can take to establish clear boundaries in your relationships.
Know What Boundaries Are For
Boundaries are for you, not for others. When there are clear boundaries in place, relationships are smoother. If boundaries are not clear, disappointment can occur and resentment can build. You can’t change others, but you can always change how you engage with them.
Think of it as an “if this then that” situation. A boundary around your sleep schedule can include not taking calls after 10. You can tell your friends that if they call you after 10, then you will not answer. Knowing this, your friends are able to make an active choice. If they want to speak with you, they will need to make sure they call you before 10. Having this boundary helps you get the rest that you need in order to function effectively during the day.
Know Yourself
Knowing yourself is an important part of establishing personal boundaries. Define what your values are. Know what is important to you. Consider your needs. Determine your deal breakers. Figure out what consequences you are able to follow through with. Boundaries are about respecting yourself enough to know your needs and your limits. If something drains you emotionally or physically, creates uneasiness or upset, or requires you to compromise your personal values, A boundary is needed.
Let Others Know Your Boundaries
Once you have established a boundary, you need to let others know. If others are aware of your boundaries and what will happen if they don’t abide by them, they can make an informed choice on how they behave. When you don’t tell others about your boundary and the consequences for not abiding by it, you don’t give them the opportunity to make an active choice.
For instance, if you decide to establish a boundary around your spouse calling you names when you argue, and you decide to walk away if it continues after a warning, you need to tell your spouse you are doing this. If you don’t tell them about this boundary, and instead just walk away, your spouse may be confused and follow you, Instead of giving you space. It is important to clearly state what your boundary is, why it is important to you, and what you will do if it isn’t respected. When your expectations and the consequences are known, others can make an active choice on how they behave.
Follow Through With The Consequences
Establish consequences for breaking your boundaries. The consequences should be as natural as possible and fit with what you are trying to accomplish. Deciding not to answer the phone if you are called after a set time is more natural than never talking to the person again.
Make sure you are willing and able to follow through with the consequences. If you don’t follow through with the consequences, this sends a message that it’s okay not to respect your boundary. If your child keeps forgetting their homework and asks you to bring it to school, you might set a boundary around this. However, if you know that you will bring it to him if he asks, so he keeps his grades up, you need to have a consequence you can follow. You can tell him that if he forgets his homework and needs you to bring it, you will charge him $5. This consequence requires your son to compensate you for your time if he wants you to bring him his homework, and might be easier for you to follow through with.
Stay The Course
Putting boundaries in place where there weren’t any can be difficult at times. People might say that you’ve changed. They may not believe that your boundaries apply to them and they might challenge you. You could feel guilty about saying no to something that drains your energy, but that you always said yes to before. Although establishing boundaries can be uncomfortable initially, over time the benefits will far outweigh the discomfort. The more comfortable you are with yourself and honoring your needs, the easier it will be to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in all of your relationships.
Clear, boundaries are important to your couple relationship, your family, your friendships, and all of your relationships. Boundaries are about self-respect and knowing your limits. Healthy boundaries help you feel loved, valued, and respected and are a key component of strong and happy relationships.
by Keir Brady | May 8, 2019 | Couples
When your spouse has a mental illness, it has an impact on you as well. You might need to take on additional responsibilities and could feel overwhelmed. Managing the mental illness can feel like it has become the purpose of your relationship. You could feel very alone in your own feelings and needs as you adjust to your partner and their needs related to their illness. Though it may be challenging, there are things you can do to manage your own well-being and maintain a healthy relationship, when your spouse has a mental illness,
1. Practice Good Self Care
Self-care is always a good investment and it can be even more important when your spouse is dealing with a mental illness. The more you care for yourself, the more energy you will have to care for others and to pick up the extra slack that your partner may need help with at this time. Self-care is not selfish, it is a critical component of managing an illness. Get plenty of rest, exercise, eat well, enjoy time with family and friends, and engage in activities that help you relax and bring you joy.
2. Educate Yourself
Read up on the mental illness that your spouse is suffering from. Educating yourself about their mental illness can help you understand some of the things that your spouse may be experiencing that they are unable to articulate. Learning more about the illness helps you separate the person from the experience of the mental health problem. Reading literature, visiting websites, and getting information from qualified professionals can help you learn about the symptoms and treatment options. It is also easier to be supportive and understanding with your spouse when you have more knowledge about what they are going through.
3. Get Support
Dealing with a spouse’s mental illness can be challenging. It can require a lot of emotional energy that can be quite taxing. Reaching out to friends and family members for help can alleviate some of the additional tasks and added strain that you might be experiencing. Having others that you can talk to and rely on can help you manage your own self-care so you don’t experience burnout.
4. Maintain Clear Boundaries
It is important to maintain clear and appropriate boundaries. If your spouse is treating you poorly or expecting more than you are able to give, for the sake of your own well-being and the health of your relationship, you need to gently let them know that this is not okay. They are entitled to their feelings. However, it is not appropriate for them to take their negative emotions out on you.
Also, you are not your spouse’s therapist. While you don’t want to enable your partner’s mental health condition, it is not your job to try and fix it either, even if you are a mental health professional. Acting as your partner’s therapist can damage your couple relationship. Taking steps to manage their mental illness, such as taking their medication and attending therapy, is something you can require your spouse to do. Having clear boundaries will help you maintain a healthy, respectful marriage.
5. Listen
Encourage your spouse to talk to you about what they are experiencing and what they might need from you at this time. Try to engage in empathic listening. This requires you to listen to your spouse’s feelings without judging them or trying to fix them. The more you are able to listen to your partner with empathy, the easier it will be for them to open up to you and share. This will help you feel closer to them, even if you don’t fully understand what they are experiencing.
6. Be Supportive
Be there for your spouse and help them as much as you are able. Know and accept their limitations. Let them know that you value, love, and respect them. They may feel overwhelmed and have trouble knowing what they should do. You can offer to help them seek out professionals, accompany them to their appointments, and take on some of their household chores. Being supportive can also include encouraging them to take on more responsibilities when they are ready.
7. Try Not To Take It Personally
When someone is experiencing a mental illness, they can have difficulty regulating their emotions. They may respond to you with anger, indifference, or by pushing you away. Don’t let their emotions and behavior dictate yours. Remember that this could be a manifestation of their illness and try not to take it personally. While you shouldn’t put up with abusive behavior, learning to let some things go can be helpful to your own mental well-being as well as your relationship with your spouse.
8. Be Gentle With Your Emotions
Guilt, shame, and fear are common feelings that come up when someone you care about has a mental illness. It is okay to have your own emotions and feelings about the extra work you have to take on and the lack of support you are receiving from your spouse. This is true even if your feelings and emotions are negative.
Your spouse has an illness, and it is not your fault. Even if you weren’t getting along before the illness, there is nothing that you could have said or done to cause it. It is normal to have uncomfortable feelings about this, including worry, fear, and sadness. Be gentle and accepting of your own feelings about this experience.
9. Seek Professional Help
Professional counseling can be an invaluable resource for you, your spouse, and your couple relationship. Individual counseling can give you some tools to help you cope effectively with your experience of your spouse’s mental illness. Therapy can provide support and a safe place to explore your feelings. Couples counseling can help strengthen your bond and communication skills. Working on maintaining a strong couple connection will allow you to navigate this challenge as a united front.
You can maintain your own emotional health and continue to have a strong marriage when your spouse has a mental illness. Engaging in self-care practices and creating a strong support system can help you effectively manage the added challenges you might encounter at this time. With some work, the new reality of your relationship can be both happy and healthy.
by Keir Brady | Apr 24, 2019 | Couples
Deciding how to tell your children you are getting a divorce can be quite challenging. It is a difficult and often emotional conversation that many parents don’t know how to have. While it can be difficult to discuss your divorce with your children, you know it’s something that you have to do. Having a plan in place can help ease the stress for you and your children when breaking the news of divorce.
Talk To Your Children Before Moving Out
Whenever possible, it is best to have the divorce talk with your children before physically separating. This will give children a chance to digest the information before the change actually occurs. Talking to them before the physical separation allows children to ask questions to both parents as they arise.
Decide Together What You Want To Say
Even if you are not getting along with each other, you both still want what’s best for your children. Coming up with a reason why you are divorcing that you can both agree on, without laying blame, will be beneficial to your children. When your children witness you discussing this change without arguing or blaming each other, it should be easier for them to ask questions. It should also be easier for them to discuss their feelings with you openly, without feeling as though they have to choose sides.
Tell Them Together
When you present a united front by telling them together, it lets them know that you are both still their parents and still in charge. It is important to set aside your differences when talking to your children by remembering that this is about your children and their well-being and not about what happened between the two of you. Children generally feel more secure when they know their parents will be able to work together even though they will no longer be living together.
Address the Entire Family
You might think that it is best to tell your older child first since they will most likely understand what is going on. However, this can put your child in an awkward position. They may want to share the news with their siblings, or shield them from it. When you address the entire family together, it enables you to make sure that your children are hearing the news from you. Telling them together also establishes an environment where they can support each other.
Be Simple and Clear
While it is not helpful for your children to learn all of the details that led to your decision to divorce, it is important that you tell them how the divorce will impact them. You should explain the situation in simple words that your children will understand. Children are naturally egocentric and will want to know what will and will not change in their lives. This is something you should discuss beforehand so you can tell your children the specifics of what they can expect.
Answer Their Questions
Answer your children’s questions as clearly and honestly as you can. Reassure your children that the divorce isn’t their fault and that you both love them very much. Let them know that this isn’t a one time conversation and that you are both available if they need to talk or if they have more questions. If your children have questions that you have not yet discussed with each other, let them know that you will answer them as soon as you have discussed it.
Accept Their Emotions
Your children’s reactions to the news that you are getting a divorce will likely vary. Some children react with tears and sadness, while others react with anger. It is also common for children not to react, and to respond as if nothing is changing. No matter how they react, your children need time to process what was said as well as the changes that will take place. Reassure them that it is normal and okay to have all kinds of feelings about the divorce. You know your child best so be sure to respond in a way that is comforting and supportive.
What You Might Say
You might say something like this:
Your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided to get a divorce. This means that we will not be living together anymore. This is something that is between the two of us, and there is nothing that you did or could have ever done to cause this. I will be living in an apartment down the road and Dad will remain in the house. Mom will still take you to school and pick you up every day. You will stay here with me during the week and will stay with your mom at her apartment on the weekends. You will have your own room in my new apartment and will still have your room at the house when you are with Dad. We both love you very much and will always be your parents and that will never change.
Talking to your children about the divorce should be an ongoing discussion. When you first tell them, keep it short, be clear, and let them know exactly what will and will not change for them. Accept their feelings, answer their questions, and reassure them that you love them and that you both will always be there for them.
by Keir Brady | Apr 8, 2019 | Couples
Why do you communicate? Generally, it’s so you can feel heard and understood. In relationships, communicating effectively helps you strengthen your bond and deepen your intimacy. Using effective communication skills can create healthy habits and a stronger connection. Below are 10 tips to help you communicate effectively and grow closer as a couple.
1. Stay Present in the Moment
When you are fully present when your partner is speaking, it helps them feel valued. To do this, you want to make sure that you look your partner in the eye, and that you are not distracted by your phone, the television, or your own thoughts. Bringing up past issues and resentments should also be avoided. Doing this takes the focus off of your partner, and can lead to rehashing old arguments and conflict. Staying present in the moment, helps you communicate effectively by keeping the focus on your partner and what they are trying to share.
2. Listen Actively
Active listening requires you to pay attention to what your partner is saying. This means focusing on the content, tone, and meaning of what your partner is trying to convey. When you actively listen, you gain a clearer understanding of your partner’s perspective which allows you to respond in a meaningful way and helps your partner feel like you get them.
3. Don’t Interrupt
Although this should go without saying, since it is rude to interrupt and doing so will probably lead to an argument. When you are not actively listening, you might instead be formulating what you are going to say next. You might then blurt it out before your partner is finished speaking. Most likely, your partner won’t appreciate this very much. If you are not sure if your partner is done talking, it’s a much better idea to ask than assume.
4. Repeat Back What You Hear
If you can repeat back what you heard your partner say, they will feel like you were listening. When you repeat it back, it is a good idea to paraphrase what was said to indicate that you understand the meaning. It is nearly impossible to do this if you aren’t actively listening, so paraphrasing what was said will help your partner feel heard, which can deepen your bond as a couple.
5. Ask For Clarification
After you repeat back what you hear, it can be helpful to ask your partner for clarification. Some things might be difficult for your partner to express or fully explain. Asking for clarification provides a safe space for your partner to open up further and share the deeper, perhaps more emotional context of what they are trying to communicate. Sharing deeply with one another helps strengthen your couple connection.
6. Pay Attention
Paying attention is not the same as listening actively, or staying present in the moment. Although you will need to do both things in order to pay attention. Paying attention means noticing not only what is being said or how it is being said, but also the context of what is happening. Maybe your partner is visibly upset and is looking for reassurance, understanding, or comfort. Paying attention to body language and other non-verbal cues helps you communicate effectively by helping your partner feel more understood.
7. Use “I” Statements
“I” statements can be used to keep the focus on your own experience and not your partner’s shortcomings. “I” statements express your understanding, beliefs, ideas, and feelings. “You” statements, in contrast, focus on the beliefs, ideas, and feelings that you attribute to your partner. “I” statements do not feel as judgmental and are not as likely to put your partner on the defensive which helps with your couple communication.
8. Show Respect
When your partner is discussing something that bothers them, especially when it is something you’ve done, it can be hard not to take it personally. Things like rolling your eyes, becoming defensive, and giving the silent treatment are disrespectful and create distance in relationships. While it is important to be respectful, it is equally important to expect to be treated with respect. If your partner is not being respectful, you should let them know this and take a time out if it continues. Setting a time, after you have both cooled off, to continue the discussion lets your partner know that you are interested in what they are saying, but they need to respect your boundaries.
9. Be Honest
It is important to be honest, even when what you need to say is difficult. While it is useful to pick your battles and not make everything an issue, it is essential that you bring up things that are bothering you that you are not able to let go. Staying silent builds resentment. This also includes admitting when you are wrong and apologizing. Sharing honestly, helps build trust which will keep your bond as a couple strong.
10. Use Compliments
Thanking your partner for sharing and letting them know that you appreciate their willingness to open up, can encourage your partner to share more. When you have something to say that your partner might find upsetting, pointing out the positive can help soften the blow. Telling your partner what you love about them helps them feel valued for who they are. Complimenting your partner often and pointing out the positive creates good feelings which leads to a stronger relationship.
Communicating effectively can keep your relationship healthy and happy. When you both feel heard and understood, it creates more trust in your relationship. Using these 10 tips can help you communicate more effectively and create a deeper couple bond.
