Grief is a process. It is often a difficult and painful process that everyone experiences in their own way. Any loss can be devastating, even when it is expected. Coming to terms with a loss can be hard as it often shakes you to your very core. Life as you know it, will never be the same again.
Why We Grieve
There are many reasons why you may experience grief. Any loss, expected or not, can cause you to grieve. A job loss, relationship break-up, health crisis, death of a loved one, or even normal life transitions like retirement, or children leaving home can feel like a loss. The grieving process provides a way to acknowledge the loss you’ve experienced and move forward in your life. When you suffer a loss, you need to process the experience and create a new normal.
The 5 Stages Of Grief
The five stages of grief, according to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross as outlined in her book On Death and Dying, include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Unfortunately, the grief process is not linear. Instead, it is common to go back and forth between most of the stages until finally coming to terms with your loss and reaching acceptance. It is also possible to skip some of the stages and create new ones as you navigate this difficult period. There is no correct way to grieve and it takes as long as it takes, so it is important to be gentle with yourself.
Denial
Denial is not necessarily bad and can be helpful. Just like your body going into shock after an injury to prevent further damage, the shock you experience after a difficult loss can be protective. It is easy to become overwhelmed after a loss. Denial allows you to go through the motions of your daily existence by numbing your emotional response. You pretend the loss hasn’t really happened and that everything is still the way it always was. Denial helps you begin to process the loss by letting it sink in slowly. You might have difficulty getting in touch with your feelings and feel very disconnected from everything and everyone around you. If you were to experience all of the feelings going on at once, it would be impossible to function. Remember to be gentle with yourself and acknowledge and feel your feelings when they do come.
Anger
Anger is a normal part of the grieving process. Often, once you start to acknowledge what has happened and the gravity of what it means, anger emerges. You might be angry at the situation, a person, God, the universe, or yourself. The anger that is part of the grieving process may not make a lot of sense to you or those around you. A lot of questions that you may not be able to answer can come up with the anger. You might ruminate about why it happened. Maybe you don’t know what you should do now. There is sometimes a need to find someone or something to blame. Anger is easy, it’s an acceptable emotion in society and not difficult to access. However, it is a masking emotion that hides your deeper, more troubling feelings, such as sadness, pain, rejection, and abandonment that might be too difficult to deal with now. It is okay to feel anger. Sometimes it can feel good just to feel something again. Allow yourself to feel the anger, but stay in control of your responses and reactions. Journaling about your feelings enables you to get them out in a healthy way, which can keep you from acting out in anger.
Bargaining
Once you begin working through some of the anger and getting to the pain, the “if only” statements start emerging. The “if only” statements revolve around what you believe you should have done, or not done, so that the loss would not have happened. Guilt is often the most powerful feeling in this stage of grief. You think of all of the ways you could have done things differently and how that could have changed the outcome. Bargaining with a higher power to give up a vice or something cherished in exchange for the outcome being changed or the pain ending, is part of the grieving process. Bargaining helps you feel as though you have some control over the intense feelings of vulnerability, and that you are not completely helpless.
Depression
Depression in grief can feel like an unrelenting, overwhelming sadness that consumes your very being. The intense pain can be hard to manage and tears may come easily and often. You might withdraw from friends and family and feel very alone in your pain. It is normal to feel sad and empty when you suffer a loss. Life without your loved one, or in a different situation can feel meaningless. Although dealing with the sadness and depression can be difficult, it is an expected part of the grieving process. When you lose someone or something that was so important to you, it would be unrealistic to think it wouldn’t affect you and that you wouldn’t be sad about it. Acknowledging the sadness and depression, writing about your feelings, joining a support group, and talking about your experience with others can help you reflect on your loss during this part of the grieving process.
Acceptance
Acceptance is about coming to terms with the fact that the loss occurred and that things will be different now. Eventually you notice that you are having more good days than bad days. You might begin to feel more hopeful about the future, even though it is different since your loss. It is not about forgetting the loss or denying that it happened, acceptance is about coming to terms with your new reality. Even though the bad days might still happen, you feel more certain that they won’t last forever and you will get through them.
If you are having difficulty navigating the grieving process, counseling can help. Whether you join a support group, attend individual counseling, or reach out to friends and family, it is important to seek help if you need it. Remember, grief is a process that takes time. It may not be easy, but acceptance can be reached. Not by forgetting your loss, but by acknowledging and honoring it.
Having a panic attack can be very scary. Even though most panic attacks go away within 20 to 30 minutes, it can feel like forever when it’s happening. The intense fear and physical symptoms that accompany a panic attack can keep you from enjoying your life. You might begin to avoid people, places, and activities that could trigger another attack. Although it is not always possible to immediately stop a panic attack, there are things that you can do to decrease both the symptoms and duration.
Symptoms Of A Panic Attack
Although the symptoms of a panic attack can vary, many people state that it feels like they are dying. During a panic attack, your emotional brain takes over and your fear response is in overdrive, even when there is no obvious danger. It is not uncommon for someone to visit the emergency room when they first experience a panic attack as they think they might be having a heart attack. At the start of a panic attack, a sense of impending doom can overcome you. It is difficult to think straight as your thoughts are often racing. You may feel detached from your body and experience an intense fear of losing control. Physical symptoms of a panic attack can include shortness of breath, pounding heart, nausea, hot or cold sensations, chest pain, numbness, feeling light headed, tingling sensations, and sweating or shaking. Even though a panic attack can be quite scary, there are some things you can do to help.
1. Have A Plan
If you need to be in a situation that you know has triggered a panic attack in the past, have a plan in place for how you can manage it. For instance, if being in a large crowd has caused a panic attack before, and you are attending a concert, put a plan in place. Familiarize yourself with the venue, know where the exits and the restrooms are. Decide what you will do if you feel like a panic attack is starting. Having a plan in place can help you feel more in control and allow you to continue doing the things that you enjoy.
2. Focus On Your Breathing
Focus on your breath and try to slow down your breathing. There are a number of different breathing techniques that you can use. Do what works for you. Diaphragmatic breathing, also known as belly breathing, has been shown to stimulate the vagus nerve and lower the fight, flight, or freeze response. Since hyperventilation, fast, shallow breathing where you exhale more than you inhale, is common during a panic attack, deep breathing can be very helpful. You can belly breathe by inhaling, focusing on your belly and puffing it out for 3, and exhaling for 7 drawing your belly in. Don’t worry if it takes awhile to get the hang of it. You can just focus on slowing down your breathing by taking a breath, holding it, and exhaling. Try to make the exhale longer than the inhale.
3. Repeat A Mantra
Acknowledging what is happening to you and reminding yourself that you are safe can be reassuring when you are experiencing a panic attack. Although you may intuitively know that you are safe and not in any real danger, your body and mind are on high alert. Repeating a mantra that you are comfortable with can help you begin to relax. Your mantra should acknowledge how you are currently feeling and also state how you would rather feel. Something like, even though I’m feeling scared and anxious, I know I am safe and that I can calm down. Reminding yourself that you have had this experience before and that you have been able to get through it can help you remember how strong and capable you are.
4. Reach Out To Someone
Have someone that you can reach out to when you are having a panic attack. Make sure this person is someone who helps you calm down. This can be a friend, your spouse, or your therapist, someone that you know and trust. You can let this person know what kind of support you need during a panic attack. For example, if you are in a crowded place and you experience a panic attack, you can have your friend calmly but firmly lead you to a quiet spot until it passes. When you are alone, having someone that you can call that can help remind you to slow your breathing and reassure you that you are safe can give you peace of mind.
5. Ground Yourself
Grounding yourself in the moment can help you feel more centered and focused on what is going on around you, rather than what is going on inside you. You can name the things around you that engage your senses. Five things you can see. Four things you can touch. Three things you can hear. Two things you can smell. One thing you can taste. Overstimulation can be a problem during a panic attack. Having a focus item that you can concentrate on can help keep you from feeling overwhelmed. Your focus item should be small enough to easily carry and should be visually pleasing with calming scents and interesting textures. A colorful shell or rock, a small scented candle or essential oil, or a childhood toy or blanket are examples of a focus item.
6. Write It Down
You can write down what you are feeling, what you are noticing, or just freely write whatever comes to mind. It doesn’t really matter what you write. The important thing is that you are focused on forming letters. Although writing down your thoughts can be very beneficial for recognizing distorted thinking patterns, the act of writing can help decrease the intensity of a panic attack. Writing helps engage the left side of the brain which can bring logic into play. During a panic attack, the right side of the brain and the emotions are very activated. Forming letters and words engages the left side of your brain and activates logical and analytical thinking. Carrying a small notebook that you can use for writing down your thoughts can help you engage both sides of your brain which can decrease feelings of panic.
Even though experiencing a panic attack can be disconcerting, taking the above steps can minimize the negative effects. If panic attacks increase or interfere with your ability to function, you may want to seek professional help. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you recognize and alter distorted thought and behavior patterns that might cause or prolong feelings of panic. Taking the above steps and finding what works to decrease the severity of your panic attacks can help you live a more fulfilling life.
If your mind is constantly replaying what happened in the past, or what might happen in the future, you may miss things that are going on around you now. It could be hard for you to pay attention during a conversation when you are distracted by your own thoughts. Maybe you’ve been accused of not listening or not paying attention at times. If so, you might benefit from practicing mindfulness.
Mindfulness is one of the easiest concepts to explain, and one of the hardest to practice. Mindfulness refers to being fully present in the moment. This includes noticing your thoughts and feelings without judging them. When you are mindful, your awareness is completely focused on what is happening as it is happening. Being fully present and experiencing what is occurring without judgment is good for your mental health as well. It helps increase your ability to regulate your emotions and calms anxiety and depression. The more you practice mindfulness, the easier it becomes, and the more you will notice the benefits.
Why Mindfulness Is Needed
In your everyday life, there is a lot of stimuli that you are constantly exposed to. Between cell phones, work, computers, Netflix, social activities, relationships, and the fear of missing out, multitasking almost seems like a necessity. It can be difficult to stay focused in the moment when there is so much going on. When you focus on many things at once, it can seem as if there is too much to do. You may feel overwhelmed as there appears to be no end in sight.
Your thoughts are also something that takes your attention away from what is happening in the moment. When you engage in past oriented or future oriented thinking, your thoughts become distracting and even overwhelming at times. The amygdala, the emotional processing center of the brain, and the fight, flight, or freeze response is sent into overdrive when you fixate on negative or worrisome thoughts.
Practicing mindfulness teaches you to notice your thoughts and allow them to be and then move on without the need to ruminate on them. The more you are mindful, the less outside distractions and thoughts interfere with your ability to be present and engaged in your life. Mindfulness allows you to notice the situation or thoughts that are occurring without absorbing them. This provides an opportunity to pause before reacting which can improve your general well-being and relationships. Although mindfulness can be tough to master, there are some simple ways that you can make it a part of your everyday routine.
1. Notice Your Breath
Breathing is something that you generally due mindlessly. When you think about it though, your breath can let you know quite a lot about what is going on. When you are exercising, you probably breathe harder. If you are anxious, you probably breathe faster. When you are relaxed, your breath is most likely more even and less noticeable. To breathe mindfully, notice your breath, practice breathing slower and deeper and pay attention to the sensations in your body and how you are feeling. Breathe in through your nose for a count of three and out through your mouth for a count of seven. Focus your breath in your belly instead of your chest and notice the difference. Allow your thoughts to clear as you breathe in and out.
2. Meditate
Take time out each day to meditate. Meditation helps you become better at being mindful as it allows you to practice being focused without allowing your thoughts and judgment to take over. Meditation helps you to focus on the stillness and your breath as you allow your thoughts to come and go without judgment. There are a number of meditation apps available, such as calm and insight timer. Simply being is a meditation app you can do in as little as five minutes. Meditation has been shown to improve mood, energy, and general well-being.
3. Engage Your Senses
Engaging your senses during everyday tasks helps you to focus mindfully on what you are doing. For instance, when you do the dishes, notice the temperature of the water, the way the soap smells, the sound as you rinse, and the way the clean dish feels. When you are eating, notice the way the food smells. Focus on the taste and texture, the sound you make as you chew and the way it looks on your plate. Doing this helps you stay more present in the moment as that is where your attention is.
4. Learn Something New
It is easy for your mind to wander when you are engaged in routine tasks. Doing something new requires you to focus. When you are mindful, it is easier to learn a new skill. Creating something requires focus and mindfulness. When you travel somewhere new, you need to pay attention to all of the things going on around you. Driving to work a different way, learning a new language or skill, traveling, and being creative are good ways to practice mindfulness.
5. Listen Actively
You can’t focus on what someone is saying to you if you are distracted by your own thoughts or your attention is elsewhere. When you do really focus on what someone is saying, it helps them feel valued, heard, and understood. If you are actively listening, you are fully present and hearing and absorbing what the other person is saying to you. This requires you to listen without judgment and without attempting to formulate a response. When you actively listen, your attention is on the other person and you are able to paraphrase what they are saying.
6. Be An Observer Of Your Thoughts
When you are distracted by your thoughts, you are not being mindful. Being mindful requires you to notice your thoughts without becoming attached to them. You can observe your thoughts as separate from you, as if you are on the outside looking in. Your thoughts come and go and can change. It is helpful to notice them without judging them or fixating on them. When you observe your thoughts without judgment, and see them as separate from you, it is harder to allow them to distract you.
The more you practice being mindful, the easier it becomes to be fully present in what you are doing and experiencing in the moment. Symptoms of anxiety and depression improve and internal and external distractions become less problematic when engaging in mindfulness. When you learn how to be fully present in each moment, you can improve your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
When you think of someone who is experiencing depression, you might think of someone who is visibly sad and cries often, can’t hold a job, or stays in bed all day. Although some people with depression do experience these symptoms, there are other ways that depression can manifest. Someone with high-functioning depression can appear to have everything together on the outside, while they struggle internally with challenging symptoms that can greatly diminish their overall quality of life.
While high-functioning depression is not listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (DSM-5) as a separate disorder, it is described by Persistent Depressive Disorder (PDD), or Dysthmia. PDD is a long-lasting, less severe form of depression that includes feelings of depression most days, for most of the day and has lasted over a period of at least 2 years. Other symptoms include:
Lack of Energy and Fatigue
Insomnia or Oversleeping
Low Self-Esteem
Overeating or Decreased Appetite
Feeling Sad and Hopeless
Difficulty Concentrating and Making Decisions
Social Isolation
Irritability or Anger
Feelings of Guilt
Because those who experience high-functioning depression are able to function normally, it can be difficult to recognize. Someone experiencing high-functioning depression might not get help as family and friends may not really see their suffering and doubt the seriousness of it. The person may believe that with enough willpower they can fix themselves. This belief can lead to worsening symptoms if they don’t seek proper care. Left untreated, high-functioning depression can develop into more challenging mental health issues. Below are some signs that you might be experiencing high-functioning depression.
1. You Are A High Achiever
If you experience high-functioning depression you can be quite successful in your career. You might even have more than one job, excel at your hobbies, and maintain good grades and relationships. However, you may be a perfectionist who feels the need to constantly achieve. You could be very hard on yourself if you fall short of your own expectations.
2. You Are Self-Critical
Your thought process tends to be quite negative when you have high-functioning depression. The internal dialogue you use is highly critical and you have a tendency to focus on everything that is wrong. You’re fixated on the ways you are not measuring up and your shortcomings. The self-critique leads to crippling self-doubt as to what you are doing with your life and if it will ever be good enough.
3. Irritability Can Be An Issue
Your reactions might be over the top. A seemingly small issue can feel like a very big problem. You might become upset about a small thing and have difficulty letting it go. Although you might be able to seem controlled most of the time, you could snap unexpectedly. Things that never bothered you before can easily annoy you when you are experiencing high-functioning depression.
4. You Experience Feelings Of Guilt And Worry
Quite often, feelings of guilt and worry can lead to anxiety and panic attacks. The constant worry that you experience is perpetuated by your strong feelings of inadequacy. You may worry about saving enough money, reaching your goals, or living the life you want. Guilty feelings about past decisions can weigh heavily on your mind. This is especially true of past failures in achievement, when you didn’t meet your very high expectations.
5. It’s Difficult To Slow Down
When you are experiencing high-functioning depression, you can have difficulty resting or slowing down. After working all day, you might come home and clean the house all night, exercise excessively, or work another job. Resting when you are not thoroughly exhausted can bring up a lot of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that you would rather avoid.
6. You Feel Exhausted
Dealing with high-functioning depression can be physically and mentally exhausting. Sleep patterns can be interrupted which can include periods of insomnia and oversleeping. Overall energy can be greatly diminished and getting through the day can require a great deal of effort. The energy required to complete tasks and deal with negative thought patterns can be depleting. Putting on a happy face when you are feeling low can also be tiring.
7. It’s Difficult To Feel Joy
When you are dealing with high-functioning depression, you can feel a sense of hopelessness and have difficulty experiencing joy. Things that you used to enjoy no longer bring you the same sense of pleasure. You may believe that it will be impossible for you to be happy. Maybe you avoid social activities as they feel like a burden and require too much effort. Perhaps you isolate yourself and feel quite lonely. You may even turn to drugs or alcohol to cope with your symptoms.
Anyone who is suffering deserves appropriate care. There are effective treatment methods that can benefit you if you are experiencing high-functioning depression. Psychotherapy and medication, or a combination of the two, can be useful in treating all types of depression. When you receive effective treatment, your outlook and quality of life can drastically improve.
Experiencing a traumatic event, or multiple traumatic events can impact your sense of security and safety in the world. You may begin to view your environment and others as dangerous and scary. Sometimes the resulting symptoms can be debilitating and long lasting. However, with proper help, you can process the trauma and return to a state of emotional well-being.
What Is A Traumatic Event
A trauma refers to an emotional or psychological response to an experience that is deeply disturbing and overwhelms your ability to cope. There is usually a perceived threat to self or someone you care about. This is often a one time event, such as a natural disaster, a bad accident, or being a victim of a violent crime. Even witnessing or repeatedly hearing about someone else’s traumatic experience can cause trauma.
Complex Trauma
Complex trauma refers to repeated trauma over time that is interpersonal in nature where there is little hope for escape. This can include kidnap victims, prisoners of war, and human trafficking victims. It also includes children who experienced physical, emotional, or sexual abuse or extreme neglect from their parent or other caregiver.
What’s The Difference
Experiencing a traumatic event can be difficult to process. Any trauma can lead to Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) symptoms that can interfere with daily functioning. When you experience repeated trauma, you are unable to heal from a traumatic event before being it happens again. With complex trauma, you often depend on your abuser in some way. Complex trauma can include PTSD symptoms as well as additional symptoms that can drastically interfere with your ability to form meaningful relationships and to function effectively.
PTSD
Feelings of fight, flight, or freeze come up when you experience a traumatic event. When these feelings do not resolve on their own and continue at a high level of intensity, PTSD can develop. Symptoms including hypervigilance, nightmares, flashbacks, avoidance, heightened startle reaction, intrusive thoughts, and angry outbursts can occur. These symptoms can lead to isolation and loneliness that can cause difficulty in daily functioning. Intense and disturbing thoughts and feelings related to a traumatic event that continue longer than one month can lead to a diagnosis of PTSD.
If you are involved in a bad car accident, you might experience nightmares and flashbacks related to the accident that continue after several months. You might avoid the street where the accident occurred. Extreme anxiety can occur at the thought of being in a car. When you have to ride in a car, even though intellectually you know you are okay and the accident is over, you may feel as though you are not safe and react as if the accident is about to happen again at any moment.
Complex PTSD
Complex PTSD can include all of the symptoms of PTSD plus some other symptoms related to experiencing complex trauma. These additional symptoms include difficulty regulating emotions, a negative self view, and difficulty with relationships. Preoccupation with the abuser, which may include thoughts of revenge, can occur. Dissociation, disconnecting from memories, thoughts, feelings, or actions, and amnesia related to the trauma can also be experienced. Those with complex trauma can receive a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). However, someone with BPD often has volatile relationships and an inconsistent self-concept. Someone who experiences complex PTSD often has a consistently negative self view. They see themselves as being different from others. This can cause a great deal of shame. They may even blame themselves for the abuse. Because of this, they tend to avoid relationships.
If you were beaten by your father daily, you might experience flashbacks and other PTSD symptoms as an adult. You might have dissociated as a way to disconnect from the abuse. This dissociation can continue as an adult when something reminds you of the abuse. Relationships may trigger memories of the way you were treated and you might even distrust and avoid men. You could feel a great deal of shame and be preoccupied with getting revenge against your father. Anger and mood swings can make relationships and employment difficult to maintain.
What Helps
There are some evidence based therapeutic approaches that can help decrease the symptoms of both PTSD and Complex PTSD. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and specifically, Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TFCBT) has been shown to be effective. TFCBT is a type of exposure therapy that focuses on providing coping skills, psychoeducation, and gradual exposure to the trauma. This occurs by creating a trauma narrative and talking through the traumatic experience and identifying and replacing negative thought patterns.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a therapeutic approach using bilateral stimulation to help you reprocess a negative event. This is a short term, client lead therapeutic approach. It allows for the reprocessing of traumatic experiences without a lengthy discussion of the details of the trauma. Instead, the focus is on what you experience when thinking about the trauma, paying attention to images, thoughts, feelings, and body sensations. Although EMDR can bring relief from a single trauma within six sessions, complex trauma will likely require more sessions.
If you are experiencing symptoms of PTSD or Complex PTSD, you can find relief. A trauma informed therapist can help determine the therapeutic approach that will be most beneficial for easing your symptoms. It may take time, but you can heal and live a fulfilling life defined by what you want it to be, not by past trauma.
Constant verbal abuse is difficult to deal with. It is distressing and chips away at your self-esteem as you start to buy into the negative things that you hear. When someone is continuously putting you down, calling you names, and pointing out everything you do wrong, symptoms of anxiety and depression can increase. It is normal to want to avoid this person. However, when the negative talk is coming from within, it can be even harder to deal with. While you can’t avoid yourself, you can take steps to decrease negative self-talk and stop bullying yourself.
Recognize Negative Self Talk
Recognizing the negative things that you are saying to yourself is the first step. While it is normal and even helpful to engage in some self-criticism, it is not beneficial to only be critical. Notice when the things you are saying to yourself are mainly negative and whether or not this is motivating you to make effective changes. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.
I recently started my private practice and quickly realized that my marketing skills are lacking. My negative self-talk about this was helpful at first, it motivated me to do research and learn new skills. However, my once motivating negative self-talk started turning into self-bullying. My self-bullying was not motivating me to make effective changes, in fact, it was keeping me stagnant.
Name the Bully
Once you recognize that the negative self-talk has turned into unmotivating bullying, you should separate yourself from the bully. Maybe you got a B instead of an A on an assignment and the bully starts telling you that you’re stupid. Naming the bully helps separate the negative things you are saying to yourself from who you are at your core.
My bully, Miss Perfect, is extremely critical. She is an expert at catastrophizing, turning small negative events into the imagined worst possible outcome. Such as, if you don’t fully understand this simple marketing term, your business is going to fail because you’re useless. Externalizing this negative self-talk keeps me from internalizing it as an absolute truth.
Be Gentle and Kind
Be gentle with yourself and speak to yourself with kindness. Your bully may be trying to be helpful, but they are not going about it in the most beneficial way. It may feel false to speak kindly to yourself when you are used to criticizing yourself. A good way to practice this is to talk to yourself the way you would talk to a young child that you care about, or the way your best friend speaks to you. If you would not allow a stranger on the street to say these things to you, don’t say it to yourself.
I am telling myself that I am useless. This is not a kind way to speak to myself and I certainly would not accept that from a stranger. It is possible for me to be more compassionate with myself, and more gentle. I can use words that are more caring and understanding, and more accurate. It is better to speak to myself with compassion which can help me feel more hopeful and more motivated. I can recognize that I have positive qualities as well, and I don’t have to dwell on the negative.
Acknowledge Your Feelings
It is okay to be sad, it is okay to be angry, it is okay to feel anyway you need to feel. It is very difficult to control things at the feeling level. Where you have control, what you can alter, are your responses and reactions. You don’t need to judge your feelings, you simply need to acknowledge what you are feeling in a gentle way. Acknowledging your feelings as valid without judgment, allows them to be something you are experiencing instead of something that defines you.
Underneath what the bully is saying is the feeling of fear. Avoiding this emotion is not helpful to me. I need to acknowledge the fear in a gentle nonjudgmental way. Stating out loud that I am feeling afraid makes me feel a little better. It helps me to view fear as a normal emotion that anyone might experience when trying to understand something that they are completely unfamiliar with. If I were to speak to myself as if I were a young child, I would say that it makes sense that you are afraid and it’s okay to feel that way.
Define the Things You Say
You might engage in black and white thinking when the bully takes over. This refers to evaluating your personal characteristics as either all good, or most commonly, all bad. However, this type of thinking sets up exaggerated expectations that can lead to chronic disappointment. If you lose your job, the bully might say you are worthless. Before you can determine the accuracy of this statement, you have to define what worthless means as well as what makes someone worthy. When making a value judgment about what makes someone worthy, if an infant doesn’t fit the definition, you’re definition is wrong.
Miss perfect says that if I don’t fully understand a marketing term, I’m useless. I need to determine what useless and useful mean before I can judge the accuracy of what the bully is saying. When I define what it means to be useless as having no value, I can see if that fits for me. Useful, on the other hand, can be defined as having value.
Check for Accuracy
With a clear definition, you can check for accuracy. If you define being worthy so that an infant fits the definition, it can’t simply be about doing enough or achieving a certain status. You might decide that existing makes someone worthy. This means that the only way you can define yourself as worthless is if you don’t exist. When checking for accuracy, you need to see if you fit the definition. If you exist, you meet the definition of being worthy. You do not meet the definition of being worthless, so saying this to yourself is inaccurate.
With my situation, it is inaccurate for me to say to myself that I am useless. I determined the definition of being useless to mean having no value. And since determining value, like determining worth is a subjective judgment, my definition has to work for an infant as well. Therefore, if I determine someone is useful because they exist, telling myself that I am useless is not accurate since I do not meet the definition.
Consider Other Things You Can Say to Yourself That Are Accurate and Kind
Considering things that are accurate and kind to say is an important step in changing the negative self-bullying. You need to consider if you are being gentle and more factual when changing the bullying self-talk. It helps to write down what the bully is saying and determine how you can change it in a way that is kind, acknowledges your feelings, and is more accurate.
Instead of saying that not understanding something means my business will fail because I am useless, I can change this into a more accurate statement. If I don’t understand a marketing term, it means I haven’t learned about it yet and I can find ways to learn about so my business succeeds. I can read articles that explain it, or reach out to others with more knowledge. Such as my neighbor who works in this field and is always willing to help, or my website designer, Daniel Fava at http://www.createmytherapistwebsite.com who has a Facebook group to help therapists learn online marketing. My kinder, more accurate statement can be, if I don’t understand a marketing term, it makes sense that I might be afraid that this will have a negative impact on my business. However, I know what I can do to learn more about it to help my business succeed.
The more you practice, the easier it gets. Things that you say to yourself are very powerful. It’s likely that you will live up to the things you tell yourself and what you believe about yourself. The good news is you have control over how you talk to yourself and what you say. You get to decide if you are going to bully yourself or speak to yourself in a kind and gentle way that acknowledges your feelings and is more accurate.
