by Keir Brady | Feb 17, 2022 | Family
There are a number of studies that show that relationship satisfaction decreases after the birth of a child. Babies require a lot of work and it can be difficult for parents to make their couple connection a priority. As children grow and gain more independence, some parents continue to put all of their energy into their children, leaving nothing for their partner. The relationship becomes child-centered as the couple disconnects from each other and becomes overly involved with their children. Although the parents may have good intentions, a child-centered relationship can have negative consequences for the entire family.
What Is A Child-Centered Relationship
A child-centered relationship is when parents focus on the children at the expense of the couple’s connection. While it is very important to respond to your children’s physical, emotional, and attachment needs, a child-centered relationship goes beyond this. The wants and desires of the children are prioritized over the needs and health of the marriage. This leaves the parents physically and emotionally exhausted. One, or both of the parents can over identify with their children and disconnect from each other. A child-centered relationship can cause a lot of problems for the couple, and especially for their children.
Relationship Issues Are Not Addressed
When your focus is on your children and their desires, your relationship needs and issues are often ignored. Putting all of your energy and time into your children leaves little time to focus on your spouse. Intimacy suffers and communication breaks down, as you no longer acknowledge, or try to resolve, personal and couple issues. This can lead to constant arguments, passive-aggressive behavior, or avoiding arguments and each other, all together. Relationships require work and attention in order to keep your connection strong. If your focus is primarily on your children and their wants, you may be too exhausted to put time and effort into your marriage.
Children Become More Demanding
Children come to expect a certain level of attention from their parents. If you shower them with attention all of the time, this becomes their norm. This can create the belief that everyone’s lives revolve around them. They may try to join in your conversations with your spouse, or even get in between the two of you when you are not focusing on them. They may find it hard to be alone and expect you to entertain them when they have nothing to do. Children can become upset, or act out when you do not respond to them immediately. They may expect others to shower them with attention as well, which can create difficulty in their other relationships.
Boundaries Become Weak
A child-centered relationship creates weak boundaries with your children. They may have trouble respecting your need for alone time and couple time. Boundaries are important in relationships. Without boundaries, there are no clear limits and expectations for your child’s behavior. This can create a lack of emotional safety, which can cause anxiety in children. Healthy boundaries with effective consequences are good for children and help prepare them to become responsible adults.
Children Become Involved With Adult Problems
If weak boundaries are a problem, children can involve themselves with adult problems. This is especially harmful to children as there is usually nothing that they can do about the issue, except worry about it. Also, children without clear boundaries may insert themselves into their parent’s arguments. Doing this may cause them to choose sides and pit one parent against the other. If you often complain about your spouse to your child, this hurts your child. They may feel they have to defend your spouse, or support you. Either way, this is not healthy for your child.
Children Feel Responsible For Parents Emotions
Another problem with focusing on your child instead of your spouse, is that you may begin to rely on your child for emotional support. This can be confusing and anxiety provoking for a child. When you pull away from your spouse, you may start to expect your child to provide you with comfort and understanding. However, your child may not know how to respond to your emotional needs and they can begin to act out. This puts the child in the role of a parent, as the parent is supposed to be the one attending to their child’s emotional needs. The child may feel a lot of pressure and begin to pull away from the parent and resent their over dependence.
Children Can Experience Relationship Issues
Children learn best by watching what you do, not by listening to what you say. If you have a child-centered marriage, you teach your child to do the same. They may have a difficult time developing healthy relationships, since this is not being modeled for them. It may be hard for them to manage conflict effectively and they may avoid it, or seek it out. Interdependence could be a foreign concept, as they might view relationships as all or nothing. In fact, relationships could be difficult for them and they may have unrealistic expectations in intimate connections.
A child-centered relationship can have a negative impact on your marriage and your children. If your relationship has become child-centered and it is causing problems in your family, therapy can help. When you focus on having a healthy marriage, your children will benefit.
by Keir Brady | Dec 17, 2021 | Individuals
The holidays are traditionally a time to spend with family and friends, and can be especially difficult for those who experienced the death of someone dear to them. While others are excited for the season to begin, if you experienced a loss, you may feel like avoiding the holidays instead of celebrating. This can be true whether your loss was more recent or a long time ago. Feelings of sadness and pain can be heightened during this time and memories of the loss of your loved one can be strong. Although the holidays can be difficult when you’ve lost someone close to you, there are some things that you can do to help you cope with grief during the holidays.
1. Ask For Help
The holidays can be a busy time. There is often a lot that needs to be done and it can feel overwhelming when you are grieving. This can be a good time to ask others for help. Reach out to family and friends and let them know you need help getting things done. Most people want to help, but just don’t know how. If you experienced a recent loss and it is too difficult to even figure out what you need, ask someone to be in charge of coordinating help. You don’t have to do everything alone. Reaching out to others also keeps you from isolating too much. Asking for help is one way to cope with grief during the holidays.
2. Say No
During the holidays, you probably have a busy social calendar and many obligations. Although others may expect you to do all of the things that you always do at this time of year, it will be important to say no. Grief is hard and requires a lot of time and energy. You never know when the intense feelings may surface and demand your attention. Saying no to things that you really don’t want to do will free up your time so you can focus on processing your grief. Self-care is not selfish, it is necessary.
3. Continue Important Traditions
Continuing meaningful traditions during the holidays can keep you connected to your loved one. These traditions allow you to recall happy times and fond memories of your loved one. You can make a dessert that they always made, or that was special to them. Listen to their favorite music, light a candle with one of their favorite scents, or read the holiday book that they would read. Continuing traditions that they enjoyed can be comforting to you, and can help you cope with your grief during the holidays.
4. Create New Traditions
While continuing important traditions can be helpful, creating new traditions can be meaningful as well. New traditions can help ease the pain of spending the holidays without your loved one. They can help you create a new normal that enables you to make new memories going forward. If some of your usual traditions are too painful this year, establish some new traditions to help you get through the holiday season. These new traditions may end up becoming just as important as the old ones.
5. Feel Your Feelings
With the focus on family and togetherness, the pain associated with your loss can be felt viscerally. You may be overcome with grief, even if your loved one has been gone for some time. When this happens, it is important to let yourself feel your feelings. Although it is normal to want to push them away so you can end the pain, your feelings need to be processed and you can’t do that unless you feel them. Find a quiet place, name the feeling you are experiencing, and notice where it is in your body. Then just sit with it and allow it to be. Feeling your feelings is a healthy way to cope with grief during the holidays.
6. Use Your Coping Skills
Effective coping skills will be very useful to you as you grieve during the holidays. Write out a list of coping skills that have helped you in the past and keep them with you. Breathing techniques such as diaphragmatic breathing, box breathing, or just noticing your breath and breathing out longer than you breathe in, are naturally calming. Exercising, journaling, meditation, tapping and yoga are all good coping strategies. Have an exit plan for social gatherings and a code word you can use with a trusted friend for when you need some space.
7. Be Gentle With Yourself
Remember that you are grieving and be gentle with yourself. If you usually host the holiday festivities, but aren’t up for it this year, it is okay. Know your limits and respect them. Take a break if you need it. If you find yourself happy or laughing, it doesn’t mean that you don’t miss your loved one. Whether you find yourself feeling good or bad, be gentle and kind with yourself and your experience. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Being gentle with yourself can you cope with your grief during the holidays.
8. Honor Your Loved One
Find a way to honor your loved one during the holiday season. Honoring your loved one keeps them with you during the holidays. There are many ways that you can do this. You can set a place at the table that remains empty, as it is meant for your loved one. Volunteering in their name or giving gifts to those less fortunate from your loved one, are some other ways to honor them. Spreading holiday cheer through random acts of kindness in their memory can bring joy to others and help you feel good as well.
While the holidays are not easy when you are grieving, they can be more manageable. Try following the above tips if you are dealing with grief during this holiday season. If you are still struggling to get through, therapy can help. Remember, grief is a normal response to a significant loss that can be very strong during the holiday season.
by Keir Brady | Oct 13, 2021 | Individuals
Dissociation is quite common. Tuning out from boredom, or not remembering a conversation that was uninteresting, are some typical ways you might dissociate. However, sometimes it can occur often and become problematic, especially after experiencing a traumatic event. When this happens, you might develop a dissociative disorder that can have a negative impact on your daily life. Read on to learn more about dissociation and what you can do about it.
What Is Dissociation
Dissociation refers to someone disconnecting from their thoughts, emotions, memories, surroundings, or sense of self. Everyone dissociates at times. It can be described as zoning out, such as when you arrive home, but can’t remember the drive, or when you reread the same sentence over and over again because your mind was elsewhere. When you dissociate, you often lose your sense of person, time or place. There are mild forms of dissociation, like spacing out when you are bored, or more severe forms, such as emotional numbness that can occur after a traumatic experience. With complex or severe trauma, a dissociative disorder can develop requiring professional treatment.
Why Does Dissociation Occur
Dissociation is often linked to a traumatic event. When a situation overwhelms your capacity to cope, your brain protects you by enabling you to disconnect from this experience. This makes it easier to cope with the feelings of fear, helplessness, or pain. It is a part of the freeze response in the fight-flight-or freeze response system. The shut down helps protect you from the trauma you are going through so you can survive. Although dissociation can be helpful in times of increased stress, with experiences of trauma, the brain often remains on high alert. This can cause it to occur even in benign situations.
What Are The Common Types Of Dissociation
The most extreme form of dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, where someone experiences two or more distinct personalities, is extremely rare. Depersonalization, derealization and dissociative amnesia are more common types of dissociation. In dissociative amnesia, you are unable to remember things about yourself, a period of time, event, or even your own identity. Dissociative amnesia can last from a few minutes to several years. Depersonalization feels as though you are having an out of body experience. It is common to feel detached from yourself as if you are watching what is happening from outside of your body. With derealization, you may feel as though the things and people around you are not real.
What Are The Symptoms Of Dissociation
One of the most common symptoms of dissociation is zoning out. Feeling disconnected from your body or numb to your emotions is another common symptom. Memory loss, daydreaming, and having flashbacks are all symptoms of dissociation. A more extreme symptom is losing touch with reality. Most people will experience mild forms of dissociation at times. However, dissociation can become problematic if it interferes with your ability to function effectively in one or more areas of your life. If this happens, a dissociative disorder may have developed and treatment will be needed.
Treatments For Dissociation
A combination of medication and psychotherapy is used to treat dissociative disorders. There are also some techniques you can try. Grounding techniques can help you reconnect with your body and can bring you back to the present. To ground yourself, you want to engage your senses. Name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. You can drink something hot or cold, or hold an ice cube in your hand and pay attention to the sensation as it slowly melts. A technique called box breathing can also be helpful. For this technique, you slowly breathe in through your nose for a count of 4. Next, you hold your breath for 4. Then you slowly exhale for 4. Finally, you hold your exhale for 4 and repeat the cycle over again.
While mild dissociation is very common and generally not an issue, dissociation related to trauma can be difficult to overcome on your own. If dissociation is interfering with your ability to function effectively, therapy can help. Then you can learn to manage it so it no longer has a negative impact on your life.
by Keir Brady | Aug 4, 2021 | Individuals
Practicing gratitude on a regular basis is good for you. Gratitude has been linked to better physical health, stronger interpersonal relationships, and improved self-esteem and emotional well-being. By focusing on the good, you not only decrease negative feelings, you also experience more positive emotions. If you want to increase feelings of happiness and joy, a regular gratitude practice such as keeping a gratitude journal is a good idea.
What Does Gratitude Mean
Gratitude refers to noticing and expressing appreciation for all the good in your life. Instead of focusing on the negative, and the things that you don’t like, practicing gratitude requires you to focus on the positive, and the things you appreciate. Since it is natural for your brain to assess every situation you are in for danger, and to dwell on the negative in order to keep you alive, purposely focusing on what is going well can have a number of noticeable benefits. In fact, practicing gratitude on a regular basis can be very good for you. It can have a positive effect on your relationships and your physical and emotional well-being.
Practicing Gratitude Improves Self-Esteem
Practicing gratitude can improve your self-esteem. When you practice gratitude on a regular basis, your focus shifts to what is good. Instead of noticing what isn’t going well, how you don’t measure up to others, or the things you dislike, you begin to notice what you like and enjoy. This positive outlook enables you to be more aware of your own positive qualities as well. It is harder to be unkind to yourself when you are paying attention to all of your blessings. By focusing on all of the good things in your own life, you are less likely to compare yourself negatively to others. Practicing gratitude creates a more positive mindset that can enhance your self-esteem and overall happiness.
Practicing Gratitude Strengthens Relationships
Relationships can strengthen when you sustain a regular gratitude practice. Practicing gratitude can help your relationships improve because it encourages you to focus on the positive traits of the people in your life. This includes your friends, family, and partner. Remembering what you appreciate about the important people in your life can decrease arguments and improve your emotional connection. If you practice gratitude, you are less likely to be critical of your family members, and more likely to thank them for their efforts. Since it feels good to both give and receive appreciation, when you share your gratitude in your relationships, your loved ones are more likely to reciprocate as well.
Practicing Gratitude Enhances Optimism
Engaging in a regular gratitude practice can make you more optimistic. This is due to the fact that gratitude is about looking for the positives in your life. As you notice all of the good in your life, you begin to anticipate more positives in your future. Practicing gratitude releases the feel good neurotransmitters dopamine and serotonin. This helps you experience and sustain good feelings and creates a positive feedback loop. The more you practice gratitude, the better you feel and the more optimistic you become. This makes you want to continue to practice gratitude.
Practicing Gratitude Improves Physical Health
Gratitude can also improve your physical health. Some studies found that practicing gratitude can improve sleep, improve cardiovascular health, and decrease general aches and pains. People who practice gratitude report having a healthier lifestyle. They also report exercising regularly. Those who practice gratitude are also more likely to attend their yearly physicals and to follow the advice of their doctor.
Practicing Gratitude Improves Emotional Health
Along with your physical health, a regular gratitude practice can also improve your emotional well-being. When you are feeling stressed or worried, the stress hormone cortisol is released. Practicing gratitude not only releases the feel good hormones, but it also decreases the release of cortisol. While it is not enough to treat mental health issues, practicing gratitude can improve feelings of happiness and contentment. Those who consistently practice gratitude are less likely to compare themselves to others. This reduces negative emotions such as envy, resentment, and regret.
If you want to improve your overall emotional well-being, it’s a good idea to practice gratitude on a regular basis. Keeping a gratitude journal is a great way to do this. My new book, A Year of Gratitude Journal, will be released on August 10 and can be preordered on Amazon by following this link. The book provides 52 weeks of writing prompts, exercises, and quotes and affirmations to help you cultivate a weekly gratitude practice for a year of positivity and joy.
by Keir Brady | Jun 23, 2021 | Individuals
When you think of anxiety, you probably focus on all of the negative aspects, such as constant worry, and restlessness. However, there are also many ways that experiencing anxiety can be helpful. Below are 5 benefits of anxiety that you may often overlook.
What Is Anxiety
Anxiety refers to feelings of nervousness, unease, or fear about something future oriented, usually with an unknown outcome. It is normal and helpful to experience anxiety when encountering a dangerous situation. During periods of major change and stressful life events, it is common for most people to experience some form of anxiety. Anxiety can be felt physically as well as emotionally. You may experience tightness in your chest, difficulty breathing, and sweaty palms as well as racing thoughts and feelings of dread. Although persistent anxiety can interfere with your ability to function effectively, having some anxiety can actually be very beneficial.
1. Anxiety Can Help Keep You Safe
One of the benefits of anxiety is that it can help keep you safe. When you feel anxious, your amygdala kicks in to assess the situation for danger. This is the instinctual fight-flight-or freeze response that takes over to keep you safe when you become afraid. In a life-threatening scenario, you will respond by running away, fighting for your life, or playing dead. By doing one of these three things, you have a better chance of surviving. If you pay attention to this fear, or anxiety, you can be alerted to danger and take action to keep yourself safe.
2. Anxiety Can Alert You To Things That Need Addressing
Anxiety can alert you to things that need addressing so you can make a positive change. If you feel anxious about your job or relationship and can’t stop worrying about it, some adjustments may be necessary. Anxiety can help you notice problems in many areas of your life. It requires you to do something in order for the uncomfortable feelings to subside. This can lead you to making a beneficial change that can help you lead a more fulfilling life. If you are always stressed out about your finances, anxiety can motivate you to create a better budget and save more money. This way you can be more responsible with your finances, which can help decrease your worry and anxiety.
3. Anxiety Can Be Motivating
Motivation is also a benefit of anxiety. If you are feeling anxious about a specific outcome, you can be more motivated to prepare. Without a little fear, you will be unlikely to put forth the effort required to achieve success. For instance, if you are worried about getting a good grade on a test, you will probably put more time and effort into studying. Those who don’t experience anxiety may not be as motivated to prepare for the test. Anxiety can also help you focus more on the task at hand, which can improve your performance. Along with focus, anxiety can help you forgo other activities so you are more likely to accomplish your goals.
4. Anxiety Can Help You Consider All The Options
If you experience anxiety, you are probably able to imagine a variety of different outcomes based on which steps you decide to take. This can help you formulate a very detailed initial plan, as well as a number of back-up plans that help you reach your goals. Because you are very good at anticipating a variety of different results for any given situation, you can be a very effective leader. It is unlikely that you will be caught off guard, or that something unexpected will deter you. Since you are able to consider possible obstacles, you also know what you need to do to overcome them. You are a cautious thinker, careful planner, and good decision maker. This helps others rely on your judgment and trust in your abilities.
5. Anxiety Can Improve Empathy
If you experience anxiety, you have a greater understanding of the toll it can take on an individual’s mental health. It will be easier for you to show compassion for friends and family members facing personal struggles. You may easily attune to others suffering and empathize with their pain. Because of this, others may seek you out when they are suffering. Your ability to understand things from someone else’s point of view can enable you to provide meaningful assistance that helps others feel understood and valued. This empathic response can strengthen your interpersonal relationships and ability to connect with others on a deeper level.
When you notice yourself becoming anxious, try and remember these 5 benefits of anxiety. Doing this can help you focus less on the worry and restlessness related to anxiety. However, if anxiety is having a negative impact on your quality of life, therapy can help. Remembering the positive things about anxiety can help you manage the negative parts more effectively. This way you can use the benefits of anxiety to your advantage.
